Is this harsh??

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-03-2007
Is this harsh??
28
Wed, 06-13-2007 - 4:37am
Of course, I invite anyone to reply, but I'd like to say Hi Snaf!! This is sort of a reply to her last post to me... How are you doing?
I said that he proves himself everytime because he just does the proper thing when he messes up. He doesn't even wait an entire day... he calls/comes to see me right away, apologizes and corrects himself. He doesn't really repeat his mistakes. He is really amazing. Whatever, I'm so in love with this person (lol). It's a little scary, but exciting, you know?
I'm also aware in that, I know when you're in love with someone you will tend to overlook things, but I've not done that. I have let him know when his behavior is unacceptable to me. If you let people get away with stuff, then they'll know they can treat you a certain way (i.e., like crap - ha!). In fact, have I done this *too* much? Cause now I know I've said a few times to him that when people have done x-y-z to me, I just cut them off and don't speak to them ever again. And when I say that to him, I don't mean to be mean or threatening.. just telling him how I am! Aw, now I feel bad. Should I stop saying that to him...? Am I overthinking now?
When I tell him that I cut people off this is not a lie. I really do this. I guess I say this to him to let him know that I don't put up with crap. The reason I think I feel compelled to lay this down with him is because his previous girlfriend was obsessed with him and just let him act like an ass - she forgave him everytime. I want to let him know that I am *not* her and if he acts like that with me I have no problem cutting him off *like that* (in a snap!). Is this harsh?
The day before yesterday, I called him and he just sort of blew me off. He was snapping at me and just kind of rude. He was like, um yah, I'm busy right now. Blah! What-ever! I was like oh, okay whatever then. So we hung up and I turned my phone off. The next day when I turned it on there were texts apologizing and then he called me. He was like, you turned your phone off! I was like, yah, cause I was pissed! (lol). He said sorry, he was busy with his friends. I was like, listen, I don't care if you're busy - that's ok by me! But you don't have to be an ass! Just say hey sugar, I'm doing x-y-z right now, talk to you tomorrow ok? I'm totally fine with that! I was like, next time, just be nicer about relating your busy-ness!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2006
In reply to: halle2007
Wed, 06-13-2007 - 9:34pm
"Just cause they know/think we'll take it? Etc..." -- pretty much. If he continues to be unreliable, then I don't blame you for wanting it to end..no matter how much you care. Have you ever thought of expressing to him that when he does this stuff (the blowing off, the MIA) that you feel that you can't rely on him. He tells you to believe in him, yet his behavior has not earned him that trust. He needs to understand that his behavior is what is creating the tension. People always like to say, "oh but if you trust him...." yeah...they can stick it. Trust is earned, not given away like free cigars. A person's behavior does contribute to how that person is perceived. So if he wants you to believe in him...he has to demonstrate that he is worthy of that from you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-1999
In reply to: halle2007
Wed, 06-13-2007 - 9:36pm

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Actually, no where did I say you should forgive and forgive and forgive the same BS over and over and just take it. That is ridiculous. I ask IF the OP was cearly communicating what she needed - because usually when teh same things keep happening to one person - they are often allowing it in some manner. I also did not say she 'wasn't' communicating clearly - I asked if she was - because communication is judged by the response you get.
It wasn't clear to me that she was.

Yes, there are times when you end associations because the people do not want to do what is necessary to stay in your good graces. But if you do not tell someone that they've crossed a line and then just next them without explanation - then its being cowardly.

I simply asked questions for the OP to think on - I didnt say or imply that she was responsible for it all or that she should always take someone back into her life - sometimes you just cant because they person doesn't know how to treat you - but she is responsible for her role in every relationship she's involved in and she is responsible for her own actions. Just like each of us.

Toni

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-03-2007
In reply to: halle2007
Wed, 06-13-2007 - 9:39pm
Yah, see when I bring it up to him along those lines, he just says sorry and that he was busy. He downplays it and says it in a very casual way that makes you feel like, jeez, why'd I make a big deal of it? And of course, I like him, and I'm not trying to be a difficult girlfriend, so I'm like ok, fine, just dont do it again...
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2006
In reply to: halle2007
Thu, 06-14-2007 - 1:59am
I understand your perspective. I agree that we all need to be responsible for our own actions and the role we play in a relationship and its demise. Usually after a breakup I would take some time to think about how I handled things and if I would have changed anything. Many times though you can communicate that someone hurt you and disappointed you and they dont change...because they dont perceive a problem with themselves or that what they do creates a problem in a relationship.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-03-2007
In reply to: halle2007
Thu, 06-14-2007 - 5:04am
I called him this morning and he answered the phone. He said he was sleeping last night and that's why he missed my calls. He wrote me an e-mail this morning (before my phone call) saying they were really busy yesterday. On the phone, I told him I had things I wanted to tell him but that I know this wasn't a good time cause he's at work and he was like yah this isn't a good time cause I'm at work. I was like, I just said that! He said he would text me later when he's out. Ok, this guy is f-ing with me!!! I'm so over it!!! At first, I was paranoid about having called so much last night, but I really needed to talk to him and a male friend of mine said that if he saw that many calls from a girl he liked, he wouldn't think she was pressed or crazy but that he'd be excited OR worried and call her back... He's right. And if he isn't either of those then whatever to him then. I'm about done.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-1999
In reply to: halle2007
Thu, 06-14-2007 - 8:36am

Actually - I'm with your BF on this a bit - I HATE it when people call me on my cell, don't leave a message and then call me at home, don't leave a message and then call me on my cell AGAIN and don't leave a message or they leave teh same message on each of them - but only allowing a short time in between each call. THAT is INSANELY annoying. I, like everyone else, have a life. If its urgent, you leave a message - all this calling and calling and calling without doing so is more of a 'need' to get a reply - and its not cute and its not exciting - its narcissistic. When a normally rational and reasonable person does this - then yes, I'd think something is wrong - but I also would know because they leave a message to taht extent and they tend to allow others time to respond at their convenience and don't think twice about it.

I have 2 people in my life who call like this - and its not about anything other than THEY need me to reply to them RIGHT THEN regardless of what I'm doing. I don't like it - it makes me less inclined to take their calls - and then when I do I get "Why didn't you call me back" Needless to say - I greatly limit my interaction with these sorts.

That said - he's at work and he told you he couldn't talk about your stuff now and that you would later. How is he messing with you? What is he supposed to do - blow off his job to deal with your issues? There is a time and place for everythign - work is WORK and personal discussions have no place there.

Hon, based on your posts, it seems that you have a lot of 'shoulds' and expectations of others that, may or may not be well communicated, I don't get the feeling they are due to all the conflict you seem to keep having. When they aren't met or you don't like how things are going - you toss it aside. Whether this is an accurate assessment or not - its what my impression is. The common denominator in anyone's relationships is themself - and if they are having the same things happen over and over - then it is they who have the issue and difficulty in relating, communicating and dealing with others.

Toni

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-03-2007
In reply to: halle2007
Thu, 06-14-2007 - 10:06am
Actually, I was the one who said he was at work and that we should talk later - not him. I'm not retarded or unreasonable. I'm going through some stuff right now that he knows about and I feel that he's being unavailable and insensitive at a delicate time for me.
Yah, we all have lives, but if he needed me I'd be there and it doesn't take much to reassure someone (at least me). Whereas he waits until the entire next day. I think he just doesn't care, so whatever.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2006
In reply to: halle2007
Thu, 06-14-2007 - 10:28am
"The common denominator in anyone's relationships is themself - and if they are having the same things happen over and over - then it is they who have the issue and difficulty in relating, communicating and dealing with others." -- many years ago I would have just agreed with you and left it as that. But, in the last 5 years I have learned something that I would like to include with an overall agreement with your statement. If you ever saw the movie "The Game" with Michael Douglas, thenyou saw a bunch of people in his life gang up on him and put him through a horrible life experiment...just to "humble" him. They made sure to vandalize his house, change out his briefcase key, have waitresses dump food or drink on him -- basically destabilize the ground he walked on. This happened to me too. I would have never thought that anything like could happen outside of a movie, but it has happened to me and others I knew - by the same group of people. Obviously these people are sick and drunk with power. But...they make sure to get everyone to read from something like a script and they have "rule books" etc. It is very sick and I hope to soon put these guys behind bars and I commited my support to another woman I knew who got caught in their web with testimony so that she could sue them too. I didn't know what was happening at the time they pulled her life out from under her, but I did inadvertently witness alot. So I hope I get to help her out as well. NOt something you want to read about on this board, but something to keep in mind as a possibility as to why someone's life could be cycling over and over with the same garbage. The world has changed...and what was once considered objectionable is now "okay".

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