Has anyone experienced this before?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2004
Has anyone experienced this before?
2
Sun, 03-07-2004 - 12:40pm
Dear Relationship Saver:

I promise not to occupy more of your time than needed as I am aware that everyone has problems (often worse than my own) but I need your quick and valuable insight. My father is a lawyer who had me do some legal work for one of his clients. His client was ultimately sentenced to prison and was prohibitted from having contact with his girlfriend who also was charged with the same crime as a reuslt of his actions in her house. She took a hit for him and they both were served with a no-contact order. She recieved probation since her record was spotless and because she was a local business owner. My fathers client had me go and speak with his girlfriend and draft some legal pleadings on the Constitutionality of barring people from contact with their loved ones. I agreed and went to meet with her. We first met in Jaunary and have been with each other since. The first couples of meetings she and I had were professional and we drafted the motions for court regaridng her having contact with her now "incarcerated" boyfriend. After the first couple of meetings, we started getting together at her home and had drinks. One thing led to another and before I knew it, she and I were really full-blown in the sexuality department. We hung out together, went dining, cooked, went shopping, called one another all day long etc. I was truly convinced by her conduct that she A) was upset and ready to drop her boyfriend after all the hell he caused her for storing unknown drugs in her house and B) that what we were having was a genuine start to something more promising. Obviously, I was single and had little hesitation going in. She on the other hand had a boyfriend of 3 years who, suddenly, was taken from her and despite her anger and rage towards him; He was her world for a significant portion of her life. She is 35 and owns a beauty salon. Very smart and talented, she strives for success each and every day but lately, we lost the spark between us. She asked for space and I gave it to her. She told me she was confused and was getting too emtional and attached to me. She also asserted she fears me because I am "normal" aside from her past relationships. I confronted her on being "normal" and she told me she was in fear of me because I treated her good and was loyal, kind, gentle and honest and that I never once talked down her boyfriend or became self-serving in my agenda. She repeats over and over that she feels so good around me and when we are together, things start happening.

I gave her the space she asked for and 3 days later, I was up at our court house looking up a case file when, low and behold, she came into court to pay off her fines. It was a shocker to see her there. We talked and she was crying in the clerks office so I relocated her to outside the building. Her boyfriends mother was driving her around since her license was also taken from the conviction so I made sure the mother was out of sight. We talked and exchnaged hugs and then began to kiss. When she asked for space, she asked that we not meet in private to avoid things from happening but, now, even in public we get hot and heavy. It feels so natural with each other and we just click like that. Again, she asked for space but called me that night. We talked somewhat regularly after that where I told her I knew she was confused but wanted to at least give ourselves the opportunity to experience each other more fully prior to her making any decisions. I would never demand a decision from her and know that she has to do it on her own or it becomes artificial. Now it has been 3 or 4 days and I am missing her immensely. She doesn't call and I dont call her. She advised me the last time that she doesn't want to hurt me and she needed space. The hard part also is that this females siter dates her boyfriends brother. The guy incacercated has a brother who dates this girls siter. Brother & brother dating sister and sister. Any drfiting form her would constantly put her right back in contact with him because of the fact that her sister dates her man's brother. Can you follow all of that?

How do I proceed with this? I like her and although she technically has cheated on her boyfriend, I would have NEVER enaged into this knowing she wasn't ready to split it off with her boyfriend. Maybe she was upset in the start and wanted to break it off but after the anger subsided, she realized what she was doing was wrong (she has said this) and needed a break. but, if she feels "good" around me - why not come back and see where things go? Why does she fear me because I am supposedly "normal" and because I represent good things in life including security, love, nurturing, kids, families etc. I was raised very strong with high morals and virtues. Throughout this ordeal with her, she really opened up and for about 1 week, I saw her hidden true colors. Inside her brick lined heart is a warm, intelligible and special lady full of love and affection. How do I fix this? Everyone keeps telling me that the problem is not on my end but on hers. Everyone feeds me with info telling me to let her come to me, dont make things worse by pressuring or making yourself look better than her boyfriend as that will only drive her away. All this external info has confused me now...So, can you please fill me in on this delicate female issue of emotions, love, confusion and upset. THANK YOU so much for your time and patience in reading this letter.

Sincerely,

Rocky

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 03-07-2004 - 1:21pm
I don't know what kind of morals you were brought up on, but what you have done isn't my idea of what is proper.

You asked for advice, so here is mine. This woman has gotten herself involved with a man who is her boyfriend, who now resides in jail. You know she has a boyfriend, yet you proceed to get romantically involved with her.

As far as getting hot and heavy in public, just isn't exceptable to most people.

If you continue to mess with this lady, I think in time, you will regret it.

She isn't comfortable with what she calls normal people, that is to say, people who are loving and caring and loyal. Don't think you will change her.

Your father is a lawyer and if he knew that you were messing around with his client, he would not approve. You might even bring embarrassment to him.

In the end, you must make your own decision whether you are going down the right path or not. You will have to pay the consequences for it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 03-07-2004 - 2:30pm
I agree and further, unless you are a lawyer you cannot do legal work for her and if she believes you are an attorney you could be in some serious trouble in addition to the destructive behavior you've already engaged in - specifically taking advantage of a pseudo lawyer-client relationship - indeed, if your father is her lawyer, he may be violating ethical rules by permitting you - someone who is romantically involved with her - to do "legal" work for her. I hope this post is a hoax.