has a problem confirming dates

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-01-2003
has a problem confirming dates
5
Wed, 11-09-2005 - 8:50am

Okay, I met this guy a few weeks ago at my college. He spontaneously offered to drive me home two times in one week since we get out at the same time, and I accepted. We had wonderful chats and the second time, he asked me out on a date for that Saturday. He's a manager and works 4 days a week including Saturdays, and sometimes has to stay into the evening since business can be unpredictable. He is also a full-time student with an apartment. He seems to have things together at the age of 23 although I admit his life seems very hectic and unpredictable. Almost every time I've spoken to him on the phone, he's been in his car going somewhere. He is also very intelligent, a great conversationalist, a good listener, attentive, has a great sense of humor, etc.

However, the problem is that the first time we were supposed to go out, he texted me in the early afternoon to confirm we were going out later that night and when I asked him to call me to confirm the place and time in a couple of hours, he told me he has to see how work will be and maybe he can leave earlier than expected. Well, he didn't call me until I texted him about four hours later to find out what's going on. Even then, he was unable to give me a definite answer about what time we'd meet, and we ended up meeting later than we planned nor did we do what we planned to do since it was so late. The second time we were supposed to go out, he asked me out by text on a Thursday which I know is weak and we were supposed to meet Sunday, and we did not talk in that span of time. Again, he did not confirm until I called him at 4 in the afternoon to find out if we're meeting and what time. He said that he assumed I knew we were meeting but it would be later that night. He asked me what time I expected to meet and I said between 6 and 8 and he said he would call me once he arrives at his place since he was just coming back from his sister's place. He called me 20 minutes later and cancelled on me, saying that a good friend of his called and reminded him that he agreed to come to a family event that evening. He said that he might still make it but I said that if he can't meet me by 8, there's no point to it since I had work the next day and he said he'd text me if he gets out of the event in time. He apologized profusely and acted like he felt bad about messing up two times in a row, and he asked me out for Wednesday since I have free time on Wednesday nights. By then, I was more than a little upset, and I think it showed in my voice but I told him it was not a problem when I got off the phone. He did not end up texting me that night so I assumed that he was unable to make it.

I ran into him in college yesterday and he said that I looked like I had woken up from a trance or something. I think I was just looking at him mistrustfully because I felt jerked around by him but I spoke with him for a few minutes, pretending everything was okay even though I wanted to tell him off. He spoke about the event at his friend's house and meeting up with his sister the day he cancelled on me, etc. I guess to make me feel like he was being genuine. I ran into him again at the end of the day and we took the subway home together part of the way. As always, we had a great conversation and at the end, I asked him whether or not we're going out the next night. He said yes and I told him firmly that he has to confirm with me ahead of time. He said that he has to see how work is the next day to see how we will work it out and I said no, that he must confirm. He promised he would text me later that night to confirm and he didn't. Now I am really upset because I feel like my time isn't being respected and like I'm being lied to. I'm afraid that this is a regular pattern for him and one that I can't put up with. This is especially the case since I dated a guy this summer who had a problem confirming and who I had to track down the night before almost every time. This guy turned out to be a serious commitmentphobe, getting more and more unreliable and disrespectful, and eventually broke my heart. If I'm having a hard time trusting men, this new guy is not helping. I plan to confront him about the reasons for my insistence on his reliability and I'm hoping that we could come to some kind of compromise but I'm afraid it will fall on deaf ears. This makes for an awkward situation because we are bound to run into each other at least once a week for the next month and a half until I graduate. Am I being unreasonable and is this normal? Should I drop him if he messes up one more time or should I be more understanding of his busy schedule? I work and go to school full-time too though my job is more 9 to 5 and predictable, and I don't work Saturdays. I don't know what to do!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2003
Wed, 11-09-2005 - 9:14am

Get rid of this guy. He doesn't respect you, he expect you to hang around if and when he feels like meeting up.

There are plenty of great men out there that will be thrilled to confirm meetings and show up on time. Find one of them.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-24-2004
Wed, 11-09-2005 - 2:13pm
Honey, if I were you, I would've dumped him after the second mess up. There is definately a pattern with this guy. He will never make a good bf.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-01-2003
Wed, 11-09-2005 - 2:54pm
Thank you chamey and gingersnappelle. He still has not contacted me and I guess I will have to turn him down if he does since we were supposed to go out tonight. If there are guys out there who would make good boyfriends and who are reliable, I sure have not met any in the last year that wanted to go out with me and I think I'm just at a stage where I think I should settle for whatever I could get. I know that's pathetic but I feel like the only single and interested men out there are ones that are hopeless to have relationships with. :(
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2003
Wed, 11-09-2005 - 3:17pm
Then I would find yourself a nice engineering school to find your next date. You can set your clock by those guys.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-01-2003
Wed, 11-09-2005 - 3:49pm
Yeah, I have heard about the wonders of engineers but just don't know how to meet any. But I will definitely try to find out how now that you mention it. :)