HATE best friend's MARRIED BF!!! ARGGGH

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-31-2005
HATE best friend's MARRIED BF!!! ARGGGH
9
Sun, 07-31-2005 - 5:24pm

Not sure where to post this gem, but I need to vent and get it off my chest. Any thoughts, input or advice with this situation will be greatly appreciated!

OK, here goes...my best friend has been "dating" a married man since October. I use the word dating loosely because I don't call him sneaking over her house for them to make dinner, watch tv and have sex, well, dating. Not only is he married, he doesn't have a pot to piss in or a window to throw it out of! Yes, broke and married...what a lucky gal my friend is....ok, I know I am being sarcastic about this, but the issue here is that I am tired of hearing about their relationship and when he doesn't call her or backs out of plans because of the wife and kids, I have to pick up the pieces and give her the ole' pep talk...I am her best friend, I think she is making an awful mistake...she is attractive and smart and independant and well, I believe she, as a wonderful woman, deserves so much more than this.

Any one been through this??? Offer advice on how to avoid talking about it? I completely DISAGREE with dating married guys, if that's what ya want to call it.

Help! Please! THANK YOU!!!!!

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 07-31-2005 - 8:44pm

What I've done in similar situations is say something like, "you know I love you and think the world of you. However, I cannot support you being involved with a married man. I do want to continue to see you and talk to you, but I'm not able to talk to you about your affair any more. If you want my help and advice on how to end it, then I'd be happy to discuss it but otherwise the topic is off-limits."

Then you need to remind her of this boundary if she brings it up. If she cares about you, she will respect that you need to do this.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-31-2005
Sun, 07-31-2005 - 9:18pm

Sheri~

Thanks for your reply...I agree with what you are saying, but as a friend, a best friend, I get the guilts and cold feet. I wish I could truly say what is on my mind, but can't. Although I DO DISAGREE, I still want to be there for her as a friend when she needs a shoulder to cry on. I have made comments to her, but they go by the wayside...I just don't want my 'lecture' to her be the end of an incredible friendship.

db

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 07-31-2005 - 9:22pm

That is a risk...it hasn't happened to me, but it's a risk.

For me, it boils down to me feeling that being the shoulder to cry on is equivalent to condoning the affair, and I can't do that. There's support, and then there's enabling.

Also, if you and other people she respects and admires take a strong stance, it might get her to rethink the whole thing.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 08-01-2005 - 10:31am
There is no other alternative. You don't have to be there when she's being destructive. You have that choice to walk away. My husband 'dumped' a friend when she married a drunk. It's just too painful. Just because she's chosen to be stupid it does not mean that you have to go down that road with her. There's a time and a place for hard love.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2003
Mon, 08-01-2005 - 11:13am
Quit giving her any pep talks, tell her you don't want to hear anymore about the loser and ask her about other events going on in her life. If she resents you for this then you need to move on and away from her. She's making dumbdumb choices and you need to let her know that you don't want to listen to it.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-23-2003
Mon, 08-01-2005 - 6:32pm

Here's the reality:


It is very difficult

 Start

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-24-2004
Mon, 08-01-2005 - 7:56pm
I know it is difficult for you to not let her talk to you about her bf. But in each conversation, you need to let her know that this guy is no good for her. If you just give her a pep talk, you are encouraging her to stay with the creep.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2004
Tue, 08-02-2005 - 8:41am

Try directing her to the affair support board here on ivillage and how miserable most often they are in a relationship with a married man.

My best friend was involved with another man (she was married) I told her that since I was cheated on by my husband it made me uncomfortable to talk about it and that I cannot be the friend she goes too to discuss the details of her affair. She didn't talk to me for a year, but she also got herself out of the relationship and is now in counseling.

If talking about an affair bothers you and makes you uncomfortable, set up boundaries with your friend. Just because she's your best friend doesn't mean you have to do things that overstep your boundaries.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2003
Tue, 08-02-2005 - 8:15pm
Make her a deal. Tell her you won't go on and on about how much you disapprove of this relationship (I'm sure you've voiced your feelings) if she doesn't talk about the relationship. You really don't want to hear details because you love her and are afraid she'll get hurt, so have trouble being supportive.

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