Have I gone too fast and wrecked it?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2007
Have I gone too fast and wrecked it?
9
Mon, 11-26-2007 - 12:05am

Background: 2 months ago, a guy who I was acquainted with through mutual friends moved to my city. We had been in fairly regular e-mail contact for the previous 4 months before he came here. When he moved here, we started hanging out a lot immediately (~3x a week). After 3 weeks we both acknowledged we were into each other and started getting physical. There was/is a wrench in the sense that his ex-girlfriend followed him over here in hopes of getting back with him. For him it was totally over, and there is nothing going on with them, but they're still friends and he does see her. I trust him on that front, that's not the issue. However, I do think her presence, and a tendency of mine to jump in with guys too quickly, has accelerated our relationship beyond what I would have envisioned or wanted at this point (2 months).
Up til a week ago, we were seing each 3-4 times a week, in almost daily e-mail or text or phone contact. We had sex for the first time a couple weeks ago, and I think that's the point when things started getting dicey.

I think maybe we rushed into it. He's barely had time to catch his breath since moving here, starting a new job, looking for a new place to live, and dealing with his ex trying to get back together with him. I feel like maybe I wasn't respecting his situation enough, and I pushed him to keep seeing me so much. But it seemed like he was enjoying himself as much as I was, until we had sex. After that, even though he was still great and affectionate when we were together, he almost stopped contacting me altogether. He started cancelling/changing plans, and there was one night we were supposed to get together when he didn't answer his phone. All this indicated to me that he wanted space, so we talked about it and agreed to slow things down. I was completely okay with that, because I need my own space to breathe and do my own things too.

We haven't seen each other for a week now, and I haven't heard a word from him for several days. I hope this means that he's taking a breather, and sorting out all his work/living place/etc situations, and that when we do see each other again we'll both feel refreshed and happy and we can start dating at a more relaxed pace.
But, a part of me can't help but worry that in fact this time apart has made him realise that he would rather not continue things at all. He said he wanted to keep seeing me, but his infrequent contact with me the last couple of weeks makes me think otherwise. I think part of my insecurity is coming from the last guy I dated (it was very brief, but similar-very intense in a short period of time), who said he wanted to see more of me, then after a few days apart ended it completely.
I'm worried I'm becoming a person who goes so intensely into dating a new person that I scare guys off. I guess all I can really do is keep on with my own life, but the uncertainty is unnerving.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-26-2007
Mon, 11-26-2007 - 10:40am

space is so tricky, how do you give someone space, while not letting in room for them to think how it would be without you.
there is not much you can do but to grant him this space... and then let him come to you.
i can imagine he was on the high from moving and all the new surroundings and you, and now everything is sinking in... all at once...
We may be grown up but just lke children we react to new situations, it always takes a while to sink in and sometimes we get scared.

just take things slow now.. try to be light about things... so that he knows you still exist but be a bit more distant than usual... let him worry about why you are acting different...
i am not about playing games, but it is common knowledge that we all tend to want things we cant have just a little bit more than available things.................

Good luck...!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-15-2006
Mon, 11-26-2007 - 10:44am

It's

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-10-2007
Mon, 11-26-2007 - 11:24am

From what you posted I can see a few things that may have not caught your attention:


1)when a guy tells you his ex is on a campaign to win him back, it is time to take a step back, stay alert and

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2007
Mon, 11-26-2007 - 2:24pm

Thanks for all the replies.

Snafu-While most of what you said is probably bang on (I do still stand by my trust of him, which probably makes me sound daft but I have my reasons), I disagree that he is rude and inconsiderate. But I do see how you came to that conclusion based on my description of events.
As for lacking maturity, well, yes, he does lack maturity, as do I, he is 23 and I'm 22, I have little experience in this department (which I'm sure is obvious).
We both handled the situation wrong and now we're dealing with the consequences, we moved too fast for what we could handle emotionally. So maybe this is just a painful learning experience, and it's really too bad because had things been different, timing mostly, I think we really could have had something.
Maybe it's not too late...but I guess things need a breather for quite a while before I'm even sure I know what I want.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-10-2007
Mon, 11-26-2007 - 5:30pm

"He started cancelling/changing plans, and there was one night we were supposed to get together when he didn't answer his phone."


The above is an example of rude and inconsiderate behavior.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2007
Mon, 11-26-2007 - 7:15pm
Yees, that incident...I was very annoyed by that when it happened, but I decided to let it slide after talking over it with my friend, because if indeed he was pulling away from me, freaking out about that would just make things worse. I figured that his behaviour after that incident would help explain whether that was just a blip or whether it was indicative of things going downhill, and I do clearly see that it's the latter now.
Anyways, I guess all I can do now is move on and try and forget about it. I'm not going to try and contact him...
I guess if he does want to see me he'll call, and then if that comes I can decide if it's worth getting back into.
Thanks for the outside perspective, even though it wasn't necessarily what I wanted to hear...
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-10-2007
Tue, 11-27-2007 - 3:34pm

Awww...I can tell you are hurt.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-13-2007
Fri, 12-14-2007 - 6:58pm

Samething happened to me,the guy I was dating started to distance hisself from me.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2003
Sat, 12-15-2007 - 5:08pm
Yes, just live your life as if he weren't in it, not as if your life and well being are wrapped up in how he feels about you.
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