Have I messed things up?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2003
Have I messed things up?
12
Sun, 03-25-2007 - 9:12am
I recently met someone in a professional capacity who, when we chatted, said he'd like me to help him with his English language studies. I really liked this man and wanted to see him again but in the conditions we met, it was not appropriate to make any kind of invitation or initiative.
I later wrote to his boss asking where I could send this person a thank-you letter for helping me. The boss gave me the person's postal work address.
In the meantime, I found an email address online to which i wrote but feared it might be a defunct/erroneous address as he didn't answer for several days.
To make sure, I wrote a hard copy to his work address, saying the same as I'd said in the letter (which was thanking him and also inviting him for an English lesson by means of a thank-you - the tone of the letter was friendly and polite and in no way flirtatious etc). This letter will probably reach him tomorrow or Tuesday at the latest.
In the meantime, I got an answer from the email address to which I'd written, to my surprise. He said he was pleased to hear from me and agreed with pleasure to meet me for coffee/English lesson at some mutually convenient time.
I wrote back and thanked him for answering me and explained that I'd sent a hard copy of this email, which he will receive, because he hadn't replied and I thought his email address was defunct.
Sorry to be so long-winded about this but I just hope when he gets the hard copy letter he doesn't freak and think I am being overly pushy. I explained in my reply to his email that I'd also sent a hard copy letter but he seems to log into his email very infrequently (he works in conditions where he probably only accesses his email at weekends) and may not see it before he receives the posted letter.
Question is: although I don't think I did anything wrong because I waited several days and then sent a hard copy letter just to make sure, I don't want the effect of 2 identical letters in hard copy and by email to scare him off. It wasn't meant to; and I have explained that I wanted to make sure he got the letter but men are fragile creatures and at the slightest sign of chasing they can disappear like snow in summer.
He has met me in real life but as I say, we didn't get a chance to get to know each other at all and the impression that I want to give is that I am approaching him merely in a friendly grateful way and not as a come-on.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-27-2006
Sun, 03-25-2007 - 9:19am

Don't worry. I don't think you messed anything up at all. If anything I think he'll be flattered about how much you wanted to contact him. The only way you would have come off as pushy is if the hard copy read something to the point of "Hey I sent you something, how come you haven't responded" and so forth.

This situation sounds really sweet and cute and I wish you all the luck in the world with it!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2003
Sun, 03-25-2007 - 10:12am
Well, in the hard copy I put something like 'as I waited a few days and didn't get an answer to the email I sent I thought perhaps the address was old or out of use.' But yes, you are right; I think one would have to be very picky and paranoid to be scared off as I was careful to be friendly and polite but not chasey. The fact I'd contacted him at all is chasey I suppose, no matter how careful and correct I tried to be. But I knew that if I had any chance of seeing him again I would have to write to him.
The complication is that he does have a girlfriend and this is why I want to keep things platonic as I am sure he does. She works abroad. But I approached him in a friendly and platonic way and am of the opinion that one cannot have too many friends, and yes, I do have friends that are men. I am treading on delicate ground but it was either write to him or never be in contact with him again. If he had felt the gf to be an obstacle to any kind of friendship he would have rejected my offer of further acquaintanceship I am sure.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2007
Sun, 03-25-2007 - 9:44pm
I don't think the hard copy was too much. I think it was nice to send a thank you note and make sure he got it by following it up with a hard copy. He'll be fine with that. However, if you know he has a girlfriend I think you should back off. Put yourself in her shoes. You wouldn't want some women pursuing your boyfriend with an alterior motive under the pretense of "platonic friendship". There are plenty of other fish in the sea.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2003
Mon, 03-26-2007 - 2:18am
Point taken, Tammy. My last bf was actually pursued (by a much younger woman) and then he went off with her and ditched me but (I know this is difficult to believe) I am not out for revenge on other women:)) It happened a while ago and my ex was a jerk anyway with a fixation about young girls and the writing was on the wall and in the end I dealt with it.
As for this guy, we met in unexpected circumstances and I was certainly not looking for someone at that time as I have many problems going on in my life and after the unpleasantness of my last relationship, am in no hurry to contemplate anything else.
All I can say right now about this guy is he is someone who I really have to see again at least one time. Beyond that, I try not to have any expectations or hopes.
I also don't want to set myself up for heartbreak; I met another guy who was in a long-distance relationship but nonetheless rang her every day and was very in love. Just because someone's other half is in another land doesn't necessarily mean the relationship is any the weaker. In some cases it increases the loyalty and the sense of guilt someone would feel if they strayed.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2007
Mon, 03-26-2007 - 5:11pm
Stef, I hope I didn't sound too harsh. It may have sounded like I was thinking of the girlfriend but my concern is more for you. You don't want to be the other women. That's a hurtful place to be and in this situation its easy to find your self in that place. I understand you wanting to, "see him at least once". Believe me I do! But to me you're asking for trouble. Why go meet him if you end up being just friends and then you agonize over him because you really want more. You're just torturing yourself. Or what if he does decide he likes you better than his girlfriend and dumps her for you? Would you want a guy like that? He should end it with her first and THEN pursue you. Just be careful and conduct yourself as if the girlfriend were present. You sound like a smart girl, I'm sure your heart will tell you what's right.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2003
Tue, 03-27-2007 - 2:41am
Tammy, he is a special person and that is why, despite his being in a relationship, i wanted to see him again just to see if he is as special as I thought when we met and we do have a rapport or it was just my imagination in the unusual circumstances we met.
But I am going to have to be very careful about it. He didn't answer to the hard copy or the reply I wrote to his email. This doesn't surprise me as he seems to log in only once a week and his job involves being on duty and sleeping away from home.
If I don't hear from him then after 2 weeks I will write another email but then probably have to leave it. His reply email was enthusiastic and pleased to hear from me but he is a super-busy person and if I am not completely forgotten, certainly I will be right at the back of his mind.
I think if I hear nothing I would write again in the Easter holidays, wish him a good holiday and ask if he was still willing to meet up at some time after the break, at his convenience. I put my phone number in the hard copy letter to him but I don't expect him to use it at work and he may think it innapropriate to contact me by phone at this time.
I know the adage 'plenty more fish in the sea' but I haven't found that to be the case quite frankly. All the really super men I have met in my life have been either married or attached. But it depends on the quality of the attachment. As you say, if people are in a long relationship that has gone past its shelf life that is one thing but I would not ever presume to break up a relationship that is still alive and valid.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2005
Tue, 03-27-2007 - 7:00am

I must have

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2003
Tue, 03-27-2007 - 8:29am
Well, you are all right.
Moreover, there has been another twist in the story; the web page where I got his email address has been deleted i.e. his resume page. And...this happened the day after (or the same day if the postage took 2 days) he received the hard copy letter to his work address.
As the resume contained his home address and cellphone number the message is pretty clear unfortunately:(
I am pretty sure that the hard copy (which was identical to the email and explained why I sent it) freaked him out somehow and he felt stalked and deleted the web page before I could use his number. However, if I was really a stalker or so determined, it would have been logical for me to save the web page or write down his number. He seems anyway pretty paranoid to me and probably best forgotten.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2005
Tue, 03-27-2007 - 6:07pm
Honestly you don't know if the page was deleted because of you, but I fall back to my previous post: He has a girlfriend. Why pursue a taken man?
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2003
Wed, 03-28-2007 - 1:54am
I don't want to hark back to my previous post either but my ex was 'stolen' by a girl and there was nothing I could do about it. At the time I was heartbroken and it took a while to get over, but now I realise it was one of the best things that ever happened to me and it would never have worked. My ex told me later that things weren't working between us and in any case we would have eventually broken up/he would have found somebody else. If this guy's relationship is working he won't look at other women so she needn't worry. Anyway, so far he hasn't contacted me again so maybe this discussion is academic anyway.

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