To have or not to have children

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2003
To have or not to have children
3
Wed, 03-03-2004 - 4:52pm
Hi all... I need feedback and advice on this issue. Recently, the relationship I was in ended because he doesn't want anymore children (he has a 3-year old son) and he doesn't want to take me having children away from me. I always knew that he didn't want more children and I had accepted that and was ready to be a stepmom to his son. But then, it wouldn't be fair to him if I changed my mind down the road.

I have never had big dreams about children. I figure that I might have one but that is about it. My parents are really looking forward to being grandparents, but I have a sister (who is planning on having kids) and 2 brothers, who will most likely have kids too. By the way, I am 31 years old, in a pretty stable career, with lots of ambition and lots of activities (always very busy!!!).

I really love this guy and I believe that we are soulmates, and all those things and I can't imagine living my life without him. But I've got to make sure that I am OK with this decision.

So I am looking for your advice, and feedback on the subject. To have or not to have children.

Thanks,

Dannie

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-10-2003
Wed, 03-03-2004 - 5:34pm
It is a very highly and intensely personal question that only *you* can answer.

Having said that, you have to weigh the value of having him in your life, with his decision NOT to have anymore children, and that *option* NOT being made available to you. Is it something that you are willing to embrace or live with; denying yourself the opportunity for motherhood, even if that is not in your current or immediate plans?

It's nice that you are being considerate about his wishes but at what cost?

So let me understand, the relationship has already ENDED because of this irreconcilable factor, yet you still want him? Are you afraid that you will not find a man like him again so you are reconsidering a relationship with him again but are not sure whether you are really okay about not having more children in the picture should the two of you reconcile?

If you two are indeed "right" for each other, the issue of children, among others should be a joint one that *both* of you are in agreement and at peace with. It's part of having compatible goals and life direction. Otherwise, no matter how "great" other things are, I think somewhere, there would always be a nagging doubt that may turn into quiet but building resentment. And really, that is not fair for *either* of you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Thu, 03-04-2004 - 7:13am
To be honest about this issue - soulmates come and go - ...I think you might eventually regret choosing a man who doesn't want children. As you get older you might even come to resent him or feel that he ruined your life. Since you are on the fence about having kids, I would let go of this guy and find someone who is open to having a child. If you go thru with marrying him and then 2 years later decide you want children then what will you do? How many precious years of fertility will you waste agonizing over whether to divorce him and then going thru with it and then trying to find a new man who wants kids? Something to think about. Iri
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 03-04-2004 - 11:00pm
It's your call...not everyone has the need to have their own biological children. Some people are happy to step-parent. I know children of steps...while they love their steps, steps are not the parents. They enjoy a special relationship, but it's not the same. The step parents feel the same way...these are not their children, but they love them very much and they enjoy the relationship that they have.

I have a cousin whose gf will not have a child with him and it makes him sad because he would love to have a child of his own. While he loves her son, and he calls him dad...it's not his son, it's not the same and he wants his own biological child.

I know some women who put things off or who didn't think it was important who are now dying to have a baby. There's something to that biological clock.