Have we "ruined things" for men?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-21-2005
Have we "ruined things" for men?
16
Tue, 08-08-2006 - 11:31am

I have also

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003

chamey101...

You'll get no arguments from PG on this!

But the one thing that bothers me is 'the honesty factor' that occasionally is missing in a woman. Rather than accept an invitation for an evening out, tell us at the beginning that WE'RE NOT YOUR TYPE! This way...neither one of us has to waste an evening trying to be cordial to one another?

Now there ARE exceptions to this. When a woman isn't totally sure about her feelings for us, I guess there's always a question of SHOULD I GO OUT WITH HIM...JUST TO SEE IF THERE ARE SIDES TO HIS PERSONALITY THAT I'VE OVERLOOKED?

But I think most women can usually tell after 5-10 minutes of a conversation if WE'RE THEIR TYPE or NOT?

Pianoguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2003
You're right, years ago I used to be a "give him a chance" type of girl, especially if he seemed nice and had a good career. But now, if the chemistry isn't there I realize I just waste two people's evening and somebody else's money. Better to move on.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2004

Pianoguy,

It's tough sometimes to reject someone at the beginning because people (men and women) can be carrying some heavy Samsonites. A few months back I was matched up with a guy on eHarmony who was 60 years old. (I'm 45). I gave him some emails, but all the way through I let him know I wasn't sure about the age difference. I don't want to date a 30 year old man either. I want someone who enjoyed the disco era!!

After a few phone conversations, I let him know I wasn't interested in meeting. He blasted me. He later took snippets out of my emails to him and used them to call me a liar and a hypocrite (via many mean emails). I was feeling rather ashamed (and a bit unnerved) until I realized this was his own issues.

But still, it's difficult to reject right away. I try to keep an open mind. That doesn't mean I don't know what I want in a man, but at the same time, I don't want to "next" everyone that comes along for various reason. Looking back, if this guy was wunderbar and 60 years old, I bet we'd be together now. But no, he was self-pitying and mean...ugh. Rejection is hard to do for the kind and open-minded, even when we do know what we want.

Take care!

Chick

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003

ichickpee...

WOW! Did you EVER open up a "box full of recorded memories" when you mentioned the word: DISCO!! Pianoguy still has some "ancient recordings" of groups like Musique, LTD, Don Ray, Donna Summer, Paula Abdul, and several other vocal practioners of 'art of disco dance!'

.

Quick comment on the borderline wacko you were matched up with from eharmony...(and my apologies go out to Mr. Warren who was the 'founder' of the service)...ALL RELATIONSHIPS THAT ARE DETERMINED BY MATCHING PROFILES...AREN'T GOING TO BE 100% SUCCESSFUL! There are exceptions to everything! And there's often a bad apple or two in the "best boy bushel!"

I honestly think that 'the age factor' is a very sensitive subject in both sexes now! Women used to react more vocally about it (especially when a younger woman was in the picture), but MEN (who are still in good shape and definitely virile) will occasionally become oversensitive (aka CRAZY) when it comes to suddenly being 'spurned' by a younger woman! In a roundabout way, a rejection is a woman's not-so-subtle way of telling us: "I DON'T WANNA DATE YOU CUZ YOU'RE OLD!"

Kind of a tough pill for either sex to swallow...isn't it?

There's no ivillage profile on you...so I can only offer one suggestion? Try not to stereotype people who are in their 50s and 60s. Just because their birth certificates might indicate a date that's considerably earlier than yours...this doesn't necessarily mean their behavior is similar to the man you chose not to date?

If you can make the attempt to understand the differences..and not completely subscribe to the reaction or advice of friends and family..deciding whether to take 'one step forward' in any future relationship should be "a piece of cake?"

Best wishes and warm thoughts...

Pianoguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2004

Pianoguy, you are right, and I do try to not stereotype (or disco without a stereo!)

My problem with this guy was that he had an "old" personality and was critical of me when he hadn't even met me. We only had one phone conversation and he seemed so bent out of shape with how life had treated him so poorly. I'm open to dating older men if they seem to be happy with their lives and don't cross my boundaries of being mean to a stranger (me, I didn't know the guy!!).

I guess what I was trying to say is it is hard to actually do the rejecting (the "nexting") if you know you are going to really hurt, anger or bother someone. So that might be why some people (like me) put it off for awhile. I don't want to make a snap decision, and I really don't like conflict. As Michael Jackson would say, I'm a lover, not a fighter... ;-)

Thanks for your thoughts! I will keep them in mind when the next eHarmony match who's older than me comes along and give him a chance.

Chick

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2003

Ichickpee, I wouldn't call that an "old" personality, but I would call that a bitter personality. Nobody likes a downer. You sensed that out, politely rejected the man, and with a bitter personality did you not expect an negative explosion. ;)

But you are right, as people get older some of them do lean toward bitterness. Sort of like: The world owed me one and it didn't deliver.

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