-have you kept an ex-bf as a friend?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-22-2006
-have you kept an ex-bf as a friend?
8
Wed, 03-22-2006 - 9:02pm

and how did you do it?

I find I always say that Id like to be friends but it never quite happens. so how have you transitioned it?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2003
Thu, 03-23-2006 - 1:42pm

it depends on circumstances of breakup, if both are relatively ok with it, if basic foundation between you is nourishing vs toxic = i haven't done it with

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2003
Thu, 03-23-2006 - 2:17pm

Hi there!

Well, I was with my ex-bf for 3 years and we lived together for a year. We broke up 2 years ago. It wasn’t a bad break up per se, we had some disagreements at first and didn’t speak to each other for about a month. By then I had started dating my current boyfriend. However, him and I have always been great friends, even when we were together, so I could not even imagine my life without him. We do not hang out (he lives 3500 miles away in another country) but we speak online almost daily and on the phone a few times a month. So this is my suggestion, cut off all contact for some time, a few months, depending on the situation…and then start speaking gradually again. We are such great friends that I give him advice on his girlfriend issues and he on my boyfriend issues…so until you feel HAPPY for him to be in a new relationship, you are not ready to be just friends. If you have any other questions, feel free, because I am a true believer in staying friends with ex-boyfriends.

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 03-23-2006 - 2:50pm

I agree with this approach, it's worked for me (although it can take longer than a few months of no contact to get to that point, depending on how long the relationship was and/or how painful the breakup was).

And there are some exes that you're just not going to be friends with, no matter how much time passes...where it's too painful or the betrayal was too deep or they've shown themselves to not have good character or whatever.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-10-2005
Thu, 03-23-2006 - 3:37pm
Thank you for the suggestions. It was a difficult break up for both of us, both ended up crying..then the next day we talked for 45 mins and figured out "what when wrong" and said we would like to salvage the friendship....so only time will tell. gal butterfly aka teri
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2006
Thu, 03-23-2006 - 3:39pm

I think the most important part is to ask yourself why you want to stay friends.

My ex kept going on how he wanted to remain friends and to take all of the trips and do things we had planned together, when I asked him why basically it was because he wasn't sure whether him dumping me was the right thing so he wanted to keep me around until he was sure.

I think it is a lot easier to grasp the friends notion when you were the dumper and not the dumpee. I had some great friends that were exes, but in the end they all tried at some point to make it more and we are talking years down the line. So just be prepared that if they are to eager to be friends that they may be biding their time to try again.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-20-2004
Wed, 04-05-2006 - 9:01pm

i just happened to stumble on this posting and i am in the same situation with my ex. we broke up back in the fall and tried staying friends immediately afterwards. Things were fine but of course I was still attached and he was him being a guy and flirting with me, but you know trying to not lead me on but with me i couldnt help but be lead on. We would hang out and go to dinner, do laundry, watch movies...just having fun. However i had some problems through all that because i was his friend def in hopes that something would evolve back into a romantic relationship. i know bad idea, but i couldnt help it, i still had feelings, i really loved the guy. and during that time we were friends, he was still keeping in contact with his ex who he had a really rocky relationship with, and have been kinda off and on with, but not really--they talk all the time, and have this need to stay connected. it got really hard around new years til about this week when he started hanging out with both his ex and this other girl at the same time and he started spending less and less time with me while he was messing around with them. well that went to dust, he got in trouble with both of them after they both found out about each other...but lately he has been finding this need to build trust and work on friendship with his ex. and with that he asked that we dont hang out for a lil while so tha the can work on his friendship with his ex. i took that really hard and all we have been doing lately is arguing and fighting. it hasnt been good. i realized that i let my feelings get the best of me, and that i should had let them go a long time ago but i couldnt help but hold out for hope that he would see me as the better one and want to be with me. i want to let go all of these feelings because i know that we can have a better friendship without all these feelings mixed in. Whenever we used to hang out at my place, things got physical and intense (no kissing at all) but its not something that a normal friendship would have. he also wants to help me move on from him and help me which i thought was somewhat arrogant of him to say, but im tired of the fighting and all this pain.

i miss talking to him everyday and i really want him in my life as a friend. he really is a great guy who makes me laugh, but its like we took this huge step back from where we were and im afraid i pulled the pyscho ex card on him the other day and he will be completely turned off by me and start talking bad about me. i dont want that to happen at all...please help!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-25-2003
Wed, 04-05-2006 - 9:31pm

Never initially, coz I think you'll find that breakups (no matter who initiated them) just have too much emotion attached to them, to be able to separate certain feelings and detach.

After a time, I've somehow reached a comfortable level with most of my exes. When you've both moved on and you can appreciate the person for the good they brought into your life, and you can both be happy that you're each separately happy now, then it's easier.

I've had exes (and, in two cases, their new gfs) over to dinner with me. In both those cases though, we were always better at being friends than being in a relationship to begin with.

Over time though, the contact does become less (text messages on b'days or Christmas etc), but that's ok, coz it's part of the evolution of people's lives - you don't need them to fill a certain requirement in your life that you had before...probably because someone else - a new partner etc - is doing that instead.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2003
Thu, 04-06-2006 - 1:28pm
I agree with last post. As an FYI - an ex (not ex husband!) is my closest friends. Other ex's are in my life to varying degrees and there are one or two exs of consequence I have no desire to ever see again
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