Having an affair with my bestfriend
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| Wed, 08-18-2004 - 2:32am |
I hope you accept questions from men. I am 28 years old and in love with -well I now consider her my bestfriend-which is still not a strong enough term to describe our bond. She is 34 and we have both been friends for a little over 2 years. I've learned a lot about her in the past year, finding out that her 42 year old husband of 8 years cheated on her a little over a year ago and that since then there has been little intimacy in their marriage as of late. Then, about 6 months ago- it happend between her and I. It started with a kiss and a confession of mutual feelings for each other. She was not happy with her husband's lack of intimacy and affection. Six months later (currently)I am finding myself involved in a love affair that blows away the ones you read about in books or see in movies. She is my soulmate- we are each others and have both agreed that noone has ever had us/loved us (physically, emotionally, spiritually) the way we have for each other. We see each other whenever we both are free; whether its making love, having sex, intimate conversations, movies, disneyland, or just holding each other close- whenever we are together there is an unexplainable bond and attraction that goes beyond anything either of us have known before.
Just within the last month she had discovered that her husband had cheated on her again with one of her employees- she confronted him on it and he admittted to it- saying it only happened once (but once sounds better than 8 or 9-right?) They started going to counciling-like they had done the last time it happened a year ago to figure out why he has the need to do this when he apparantely says he loves his wife and family very much...he doesnt know why- and that is where we are at now. Recently, we have had conversations about "cooling it" so she could figure out her marriage and if she wants to stay with him- they have a beautiful 4 yr old daughter between them, which complicates her decision. She said she is taking her time with the decision because (incase of divorce) she doesn't want it to be an ugly divorce because of their daughter, she will have to see him all the time still because of their little one. She has said on many occasions that if she didn't have her daughter then she would leave him in a minute. She and I still see each other a lot, but more and more we end up having really drawn out emotionally draining discussions when we get together -of our love for each other and that we need to just be friends now for many reasons- 1) so she can figure out what she wants to do i.e.-divorce? separate? ...stay with him while he works through his problem? and 2) so incase she does get divorced- so he doesn't find out about us and complicate that process- financially screwing her out of a good settlement. So here we are... still seeing each other as friends- then after being unable to resist each other anymore we begin having amazing sex and long passionate make-out sessions-eventually leading us to these drawn-out chats about our love for each other and how we have to stop being intimate so she can figure things out ( a vicious cycle)... however when we do get intimate- it is not usually me who initiates it. I love her and her daughter more than anything- and I wouldn't be lieing if I said I want him out of the picture. It is hard for me to love someone so completely as I do with her and then see her struggle to work a marriage out with somone who has cheated on her 2 times- that we know of and how many more that we dont know. He says he wants to stay and work it out.... but it is so hard for me to watch her struggle with her decision when I know she deserves and can have so much more- whether it is ultimately with me or someone else. I have considered the mental breakdown that a woman must have when she finds that her husband is cheating and how she begins to question her own attractiveness and why she isn't good enough...etc etc... and I just feel that if she gets her own self-worth and self-importance back she would look at this situation with him differently. I do not regret anything she and I have shared or made in our hearts together, however sometimes I feel that had we not been having our affair when he started his fling with her 24 yr old employee, she would have divorced him already because she wouldnt have the guilt of being with me in her head. I almost think that she feels hipocritical for judging him too harshly because she was having and creating something with me.
Aghhh I am sorry for making this so long- but we have made a vow to keep this between us -not even our closest friends know of our intimacy beyond our friendship- so this is basically the first time I am getting it out of my system.
Do her and I have a chance? I really dont know what I am asking other than for your opinion on the matter and any words of wisdom you can offer- unless you have a magical way to get rid of her husband- haha
I will say that cheating is high on my "no tolerance" list and so it is so hard for me to not be opinionated when she trys to talk to me as a friend about the progress of what she is feeling about him and the situation... I try to be objective, but I can only see her husband as garbage for putting her through this. As of now...he is still there- she makes him sleep in the guestroom where he cheated on her in- its his room now. She tells me "he" is very sorry about what he did, he doesn't know why he did it and has totally hit the bottom. She does have love for him still- they are the best of friends- she just doesn't know whether shes staying with him or not.
However,I wouldn't have put her though once what he has put her though two times now.
It is so hard for us to be apart for any long period of time- and I cant imagine my life without her-
Help, please.
Thank you,
Kevin

People may not have the ability to pick and choose who they fall in love with, but they definitely DO have the CHOICE over what ACTIONS they take.
I'm not going to judge you. That's not for me to do. I can't see you getting much support here though. Maybe you might fare better posting on the affair boards.
I hope you find peace, whatever the outcome.
I feel your pain, I really do. I am going to agree with the last poster, you may not get a lot of support from this board, and may want to try the affair boards.
However, I will offer my support and two cents.
You need to step back and take a look at your life and the path you are going down. I know that you love this woman and want to take away her pain. But really you're not helping anyone in this situation.
Why is it that she stayed with this guy if he cheated on her? And why is it ok for her to cheat on him? And now he's admitted to cheating again- when will it end?
Having a child together is NOT a reason for staying with someone. If the marraige isn't working, then you leave, simple as that. If she's staying with him because he's got money, that's a more likely reason. Now she can't file for a divorce on the basis of his affair, since she's had her own and it's likely to come out in the proceedings if she goes that route.
The best thing you can do is stay away. She using you to get back at him, and that's not fair to you. You are being drawn into this and now you feel like you're in love with her. If she really did love you she would be with YOU and not her HUSBAND. You say she's your best friend and she says her husband is HER best friend. She doesn't want to leave this man, for whatever reason, otherwise she would have when he told her about the first affair. You are being used. She will not leave her husband for you, and would you really want her if she did? If it's ok for her to cheat on her husband, why wouldn't it be ok to cheat on you once you were with her?
You need to walk away and leave her to get her head straight.
I doubt that's what you were looking to hear, but it's what needs to happen. You need to find a woman who is single and can give you 100% of herself. Mind, body and soul. How much of a relationship can you possibly have with this woman as things are? You can't actually show the world that you care about each other, you can't be seen in public kissing each other. You have to be secretive about everything. This woman has a husband, and whether she likes it or not, her priority is him and sorting it out with him. Not getting it on with a boy toy. She is being selfish and you are falling for it. Why can she do anything she pleases?
While you're focusing all your attention on this unavailable woman you're not able to actually find love for yourself with someone else. And this woman is being selfish by not allowing you the opportunity to pursue someone else who is more deserving of a great guy like you.
Do everyone a favour and walk away from this woman. Be there for her when she's figured out her own life. Move on and life your own life. If she loves you as you claim she does, she will let you go and know that it's for the best.
Start looking for an available love.
I am going to have to agree with pureatheart. it's bad for him to cheat on her but she is cheating on him. Have you guys been intimate then she found out that he had cheated on her? if so, she cheated first and shouldn't feel so hurt about the situation. What if she did leave her husband for you? How would you know that she wouldn't do the same thing to you?? I think it's best to stay friends with her but don't let it go any farther until she knows what she wants to do with her husband, becuase no one is in the right here, everyone is doing something they shouldn't. I am not trying to be mean I hope you take my advice to heart, but I think you just might get hurt in the long run. What if she decides to stay with her husband and work it out? Then what would you do? Think about the future and stop being intimate with her until everything is figured out. I hope I helped a little bit, and you don't hate me for saying this stuff.
God Bless.
Vanessa