Having to choose between friends & bf

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-10-2004
Having to choose between friends & bf
2
Wed, 11-24-2004 - 11:05am
Okay been dating this guy for around 3 months--- honestly believe he is the love of my life. & he has changed me for the best--- I used to go out every night with friends to bars & get drunk & have since meeting him quit. So my friends kind of upset that I don't go out anymore. They claim to miss the old me. Well my room mate & bf have not gotten along since the beginning... she has cussed him out on numerous occasions & then finally he caved & said something back to her. Which caused her to run to my other friends & they all ganged up on me & told me I had to choose between him & them. I'm not sure how to handle this situation--- I love them all. But at that moment I did choose my friends because I felt that was the right decision to make at the time. But I have been sad & lonely & miserable ever since & feel like I am missing a huge part of my heart & that I have lost the love of my life. See my friends only heard my roommate's side of the story & she has a tendency to exaggerate to make herself look better so they honestly think that my bf is a horrible person. But I want him back. & he keeps telling me he is tired of me choosing my friends over him--- that he wants to be #1 in my life & he feels as if he is not important. I don't know what to do... I am in the middle of this situation that I never wanted to be in the first place... Like I feel if he loved me he wouldn't ask me to drop my friends for him... yet if my friends loved me they wouldn't ask me to choose between them & him especially if he honestly made me happy... How do I make everyone happy including myself???? Because right now I am not happy... I just don't know what to do... I want them all in my life & I wish they could all get along... is there anything I can do to fix this situation so that I have my friends & my bf?? Any advice is much appreciated- thank you
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-20-2004
Wed, 11-24-2004 - 11:53am

You should never have to choose. Instead of "choosing" you should sit down with your friends and state what really happened between the roommate and friend. If roommate was out of line, then she was out of line. Just because she doesn't like him doesn't mean she gets free reign to treat another human being like crap.

I would sit them down and say that if they loved you they wouldn't make you choose between a friendship with them or him as your boyfriend, that you love him and that they should be happy for you. I also would completely not go out with them anymore, they are probably hurt that you've kind of thrown them out while developing this relationships. I'd say one night a week out with the girls isn't too much to devote to friendships.

Your boyfriend would never put you in a position to have to choose and neither should your friends, if you quietly explained that to them and they still acted this way then they aren't true friends and you shouldn't want them anyone, a good friend doesn't put you in a bad position like that.

I'd really rethink this pettiness, I'm assuming you are young and in college but decisions you make now concerning how you allow people to treat you and control your life will be carried into adulthood. Start flexing your own muscles. You can make the choices of who you date, devoting time to both boyfriend and friends. Nobody should make you choose, if either do then they aren't good enough to be in your life.

PS. When your roommate is sitting there cussing out your boyfriend, what are you doing, sitting by and just allowing her to disrespect him??? Personally nobody disrespects me or people I care about, and if you allow the behavior without trying to difuse it or say "what's up?" then you are really part of the problem.




Edited 11/24/2004 11:56 am ET ET by sweet_karma
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-10-2004
Wed, 11-24-2004 - 7:01pm

Happy,

Bellina here,I have to say I totally agree with the last poster on having a fair
balance between your friends and new love interest.That roommate of yours is quite
immature,needs to get her act together,and frankly sounds jealous! All I can
suggest is if youre still in love with this man,tell him and perhaps discuss these
issues in person. If your friends value their relationship in your life and
care for ones happiness,they shouldn't be too possessive.You can have them in your
life with a balance,perhaps once weekly. Your sweetheart whom you seem to treasure
and I gather his feelings are mutual would still allow you gal pal time.Anyhow,
make him feel wanted and see him multi times a week.That is my take on how to
handle this delicate matter of keeping both friends and boyfriend in your life.
I've lost someone dear to me when I was young like you due to me putting the
galfriend before him. Don't let your friends intimidate you,and if your friends found
true love,you'd be sure they would have precedence. Would like to here from you
if my suggestions came to your rescue in love and frienships! Cheers,Bellina Fair