having doubts about who you're with

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2005
having doubts about who you're with
6
Thu, 05-04-2006 - 2:59pm

Hi Everyone, I've been dating a guy for about 6 months now. We have a lot of differences. for one thing I am 5 years older than him. I guess it's unusual when the woman is older. I'm 27, he's 22, almost 23 (: When we met i really didnt think about the age, it's not like i really look older, when we go out, i get carded he doesnt. I was a bit uncomfortable with the age thing at first, but I'm ok with it now. I went into it not really knowing what was going to happen, i thought we'd have a few dates, then that'd be it. But we became somewhat inseperable. I saw him pretty much everyday, then he started spending the night about 5 times a week. I have to say that I enjoyed it a lot. I was once engaged, i've been broken up with him almost 3 years now...i hadnt had anything serious with anyone in about a year. And the person i was with before that it was long distance. Anyways, he has not graduated college yet, I have. I know my parents would not like this, but i shouldnt care what they'd think...part of me feels like the person i end up with, i'd like them to have a degree. My boyfriend does have some education and he plans to finish. Also i'm on the quiet side, he's loud and out going. He knows that we are different, but he said he likes this about us.

Now the biggest thing is that in feb, he left for the air force...i knew this from the start. Again i didnt know what would happen. He told me he loved me in janurary...shortly after i felt the same. He told me he still wanted to be with me when he left for the air force. Perhaps we should have ended things, but we didnt want to...so here we are still together and it's difficult. I havent seen him since february and will not see him for about another 20 days. But i cant WAIT to see him. Sometimes i'm not happy with how much we have contact...it seems to be every other day. THe phone service on his base is awful so i just deal with it...but i would like to be able to talk more. We have discussed how we will not be with anyone else, we both said we only want to be with each other...but sometimes i get paranoid that he'll see others.

I feel confused I guess. I really do love him, i miss him like crazy, desire him like i never have anyone else...but i do wonder if i am making the rigth choice by trying to work this out? I would sometimes just like to have someone here with me who i could see regularly...i have done an LDR before, it did not work out...not due to the distance...but other issues. I am going to be 28...not getting any younger. I guess i'm afraid of wasting time with people and then finding myself old and single...but i know this could happen with anyone, heck it happened to me with my ex of 4 years who i was enagaged to. Are my feelings normal?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 05-05-2006 - 12:54pm

foolishheart78...

Pianoguy might be WAY OFF BASE....but it sounds like you're more concerned about your age difference with "the younger man" than whether the 2 of you have anything solid? You've also got an issue concerning a long-distance relationship....because he's in the airforce!

LDR's usually aren't very successful since one or both partners get restless (or bored) and seek out a companion who is closer? This isn't necessarily going to happen in your case...but prepare yourself for the inevitability.

But even if your "younger man" was living in the same town---I'll bet you'd still be very self-conscious about the age difference? I can't provide you with a remedy because your birth certificates are already 'cut in stone!'

What you both need to ask each other is this:

"Is the difference in our ages STRONGER than the feelings we have for each other?"

Depending upon your answer...you'll know whether you've got a serious chance at keeping things going or not?

Pianoguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2005
Fri, 05-05-2006 - 4:36pm

"Is the difference in our ages STRONGER than the feelings we have for each other?"

Did you mean are our feeling about the age stronger then our feelings for each other? Well the LDR is much more of an issue than the age. He doesnt care about the age...he says he likes the fact that i'm older and has always liked older girls...me I like guys my age or a little younger...5 years is kind of a lot for me. But I would never end things based on the age

I do see the LDR being an issue. He makes it seem like it wont matter and it will go by so quick. He seems to be very positive about it, i'm the one who's negative. i worry that i will get hurt, he said he cant imagine finding anyone better than me, wants to be with me, etc. BUt he'll be even farther away in a few months...i dont know how it will work out. I want it to work out...but Im having doubts about the situation, not so much him...I did have an LDR before and we broke up because i had an issue with his past, it had nothing to do with the distance. Unfortauntely i seem to be the type of person who tries to find things wrong, it stinks. I get very paranoid. My current guy keeps telling me not to think about him cheating on me, it will never happen, I feel like every time we talk i express my worry...it's like i need reassurance that he wont cheat on me...and he's never even done anythign for me to think he would.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2003
Sat, 05-06-2006 - 11:53am

I'm sorry hon, but nobody can reassure you that your guy won't cheat, or that you're making the correct decision to be with him. There are never any guarantees. But I can tell you there's nothing abnormal about having doubts. A long distance relationship is challenging for anybody, and usually very difficult.

Calculate the amount of time you're going to be far apart and determine whether you feel he is worth the wait. That's all you can do. You can't predict whether he will eventually tire of the time and distance apart and turn to another woman. You're not helping things if you constantly worry and make him promise over and over again that he wants you and only you. You need to be able to trust the feelings you have for each other TODAY, and go from there. If you don't trust him, THAT is the real issue. And you have your own feelings of loneliness to consider. If you're very unhappy being without someone on a regular basis, that's going to make it difficult to stay "true" to this relationship.

I am also a bit concerned for you because your guy is only 23. It's not that your 5 years older...that's not the problem. But in my experience 23-year-old men are generally not good candidates for lasting relationships because they usually haven't had enough love and life experiences yet. They often still have a lot of "play" in them. Your particular guy could be the exception... he could be completely ready to settle down with you for good. But that's not the norm.

If you continue to be uncomfortable, perhaps you should suggest that you both put your exclusivity on hold, at least until he comes home for good. You could agree to stay in touch... write letters and call each other, if you like... but agree to date others if the desire and opportunity arise. That way, you won't feel like you're missing something or cheating yourself, and you would have a truer indication of your feelings if you come back together and commit to each other when he returns.

I know none of these are easy options. But just do what feels RIGHT and makes the most sense for you, in the longrun.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 05-07-2006 - 5:55am

foolishheart78...

PG hates to break the bad news, but cheating and infidelity can be present in relationships close to home...as well as far, far away!

I think we'd all like to hope that the partner we've chosen will remain 100% faithful? But sadly...even some of our best friends....'screw up!'

So your choice seems to be one of these:

1. Take the risk and assume that your "long distance military man" won't stray.
OR
2. Reach an understanding with your b/f that the 2 of you can casually date others until his 'hitch' is over! After which, the 2 of you can sit down and talk about a possible future together?

Pianoguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2005
Sun, 05-07-2006 - 11:22am
so pianoguy why'd you put long distance military man in quotes? sounds like you're assuming most military guys cheat also...and i'm not the type who will date someone and see others or allow them to see others. It's all or nothing and i dont really care what the circumstances are
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 05-07-2006 - 12:48pm

foolishheart78...

PG isn't interested in 'verbally sparring' with you.

If you're a regular visitor to this...or some of the other LOVE & SEX message boards...you'll discover that quotation marks are used in several of the "Pianoguy responses!" It's a way of calling attention to certain thoughts or feelings about an issue.

Now I don't recall saying that most military guys cheat! I'm sure they don't?

What I said was...there's always the possibility of cheating if you're in a long distance relationship. The temptation is present...BUT...this doesn't mean men and women will act on it?

Going back to your first response to me...if you REALLY don't care what the circumstances are, why did you bring up the 'doubting question' in the first place???

I suppose if any woman (or man) expects and demands 100% fidelity from a partner, a legal document should be drawn up...notarized...and signed by both the man and the woman? Or if a woman is really nervous that her b/f has cheated on her, she should try convincing him to take a lie detector test when he gets back home???

Pianoguy