Is he a bad friend?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-25-2004
Is he a bad friend?
4
Thu, 11-25-2004 - 7:28pm
I've been friends with a guy for quite awhile. In fact, he calls me his best friend and I would have to say that he's mine. But it just all got messed up about three months ago. I stay over at his place all the time, have done it a hundred times,we watch t.v., talk, whatever, nothing ever happened. Then one night I was sleeping and he just pulled me over to him, and that was that. Deffinately THE worst sexual experience of my life. (And considering that I haven't really had that many with which to compare it to, it had to have been really bad.) He didn't even kiss me. I felt like he was using me to masterbate with. I know I should have said no, or stopped it, or whatever... but honestly, I just couldn't believe it was actually happening. I just kept thinking, "Is this actually happeneing?" over and over. Neither one of us had had sex with anyone for over a year. I'm not sure why I didn't stop it. I felt worse than a prostitute, at least they have some monetary compensation for their debasement, right? I guess I just want to know what to do. It's like in some ways, nothing has changed... in other ways, everything is different. It makes me sad, because I think I'm going to have to place him on an imaginary leper colony and never talk to him again. I think that he might have used me. Like I'm a throw-away girl. He's not my friend if he did that, right? I have no idea what to do. He's my best friend, if this problem didn't concern him, I'd be asking him about it. If I can't talk to my best friend about something that hurt me, what can I talk to them about? I've never had any guy treat me so bad. But I feel like maybe he doesn't think he did anything wrong. I need some advice because I am lost.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 11-26-2004 - 8:11am

lisamichelle77...

Pianoguy isn't going to excuse your 'best friend's bad behavior'---it was out of line. However, consider this...

According to your post, you have been staying over at his place for hundreds of times, and neither one of you had sex (with anybody) for over a year. This incident probably occurred because of 'a lack of lust!' While your friend might have relieved his sexual tension, you probably experienced a combination of surprise, revulsion and disappointment. Basically, you were violated twice. Physically...and also in the "matter of trust!" (I'm quoting the Billy Joel tune here)

What you need to ask yourself is: "Considering what has happened, can I honestly keep the friendship we've had together going?" This is a judgement call only you can make.

Now you didn't indicate in your post whether this man had apologized or shown any remorse for what he did. But if you choose to ignore the incident and continue your friendship with the man...COOL IT with the overnight stays! Go home and sleep in your own bed alone!

Pianoguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-25-2004
Fri, 11-26-2004 - 11:41am
I haven't stayed at his place since. I haven't really talked to him since. Well, I have we work together, same shift, same days off. (He got the job long after we were good friends.) We used to spend all of our time together, now I don't even want to look at him. I skip breaks just to avoid him. I don't know what to say to him now. It's just horrible because I know that I've lost my best friend. I just don't want to admit it I guess. I think maybe he wasn't really my friend to begin with. I stayed untouched for almost 2 years, and then that happens. It just makes me sick. I guess I should have listened to my sister. Men and women just can't be friends. I keep thinking, like how long did he wait to do that? Was he planning it? No, he hasn't brought it up. I avoid the topic also. I avoid any topic really. I've never had any man treat me so badly. And I've had some pretty horrible boyfriends. I've just never felt so dirty or used. I know what a tissue feels like, to be used and thrown away. I guess I know I can't be his friend anymore, I just wanted to make sure I was making the right choice. He deffiately isn't the person I thought he was. The person I thought I knew would never make me feel the way he did.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 11-26-2004 - 2:23pm

lisamichelle77...

There are flaws in everybody's character....yours included. Perhaps the closeness from the 'working relationship' the 2 of you had gave the man an impression that the time would eventually come when you both would get..err.."physical?"

For now...go about your business on the job and if your paths cross at work, don't make a big deal about it! The last thing you want to do is make others aware of the events that previously took place. If the incident is still bothering you after a few more months, you might want to consider a little professional counselling? Nobody should "harbor" a situation like this indefinitely.

Pianoguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-20-2004
Fri, 11-26-2004 - 3:11pm

If you and he were "just friends" you would have stopped him, but there must have been a part of you that was interested and attracted as well to him in order to do it.

I have many male platonic friends and no matter if he was attracted to me or not, I would never have sex with them. They are platonic for a reason.

I don't know how you can feel used and abused since you had sex with him too, he didn't rape you right? So you must have given some type of consent so I don't get how you feel used.

I'm confused as to why he did something wrong, he wanted to have sex with you and you did so how is it that he did something wrong, if he grabbed you and wanted to have sex and you said no I only like you as a friend, then it's rape and you should be going to the police, but if you consented and had sex, than I don't see him as being a bad friend to you sorry, I don't see you as being used or a victim at all.