Is he cheating?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-12-2004
Is he cheating?
9
Sun, 10-30-2005 - 6:38am

I have been dating a nice guy for about 2 months and everything was going well until yesterday. We have been seen or talking on the phone everyday for me was to early to get attached to this guy but he was new to the city he is alone and he is going to the worst divorce battle. As a reason, I am supporting him emotionally,and physically in anyways. He said, he is affraid because I am to perfect internally but not physically. About 3weeks to the relationship we agreed to turn of the profiles. Now that I found out he is back in the web-site. Yesterday told me he is going to see his brother out of town I am really suspicous because when I called him on his cell last night he didn't answer it or return my phone call. Is it time to break up or wait and see? I just can't believe it I met his parents about two weeks ago and he is telling me over and over that he is falling for me I don't know if he is going to lie do me. Any advice will be great.

Rube.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-06-2004
In reply to: soul1368
Sun, 10-30-2005 - 7:09am

He said you were perfect internally, but not physically?? Why would you want to be with someone who said that??

If he's in the middle of a divorce, he has a lot of issues going on. I'd strongly suggest dating someone who is emotionally healthy and who thinks your physical is great!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-12-2004
In reply to: soul1368
Sun, 10-30-2005 - 1:33pm

I thank you for your advice. I didn't really care when he said physical thing because I believe I am beautiful and he wants his date with make up which is I don't use very much. That is his opinion and we talked about it he said he will get use to it.
The thing is,is something behind to it? He didn't go to his brother I saw his car in his garage just this morning. Maybe he wants to think about everything. He is back in to the web-site dating that is what is bothering me. I do love him very much. Not to many people found how nice, caring or kind I was but he did. So do his father. I want to call him or go and talk to him why he lied to me but I don't want to look needy or something else. What can I do?

Rube

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2003
In reply to: soul1368
Sun, 10-30-2005 - 4:07pm

I don't care what this guy is up to. If, inside of 2 months of dating, this guy has the nerve to tell you that you are imperfect physically, then you need to dump him immediately.

Also, stay away from men who have copious amounts of baggage.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2005
In reply to: soul1368
Sun, 10-30-2005 - 7:44pm
I agree about the comment on your "imperfections". Plus, if you outright caught him in a lie about where he was going to be, that's not good. Trust is a big issue in any kind of relationship, and I think he has already given you reason NOT to trust. Can you honestly live with not being able to trust this guy? Think about it. I think you should call him on the rug about both of these issues. Just my honest opinion.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2004
In reply to: soul1368
Mon, 10-31-2005 - 1:59pm

Ok, here's the deal as I see it. You can choose to focus on the situational details of your relationship (that he's back online and you think he's lying) or choose to look at the "big picture."

The benefit of looking at the big picture is that, within the big picture is the where the 'problem' is ... that's the source. Within the situational details is where we find the 'symptoms' that result from the source of the problem. By focusing on the symptoms, what we DO NOT accomplish is solving the actual problem.

You said <>

That's the "big picture" ... he's going thru a nasty divorce. Not to mention that he's new to the city and is probably a little lonely. While it's 'nice' to support someone who's new in town, the fact that he's going still going thru a divorce (and a bad one, at that) is what is making him NOT available. Not to you, or anyone. He needs to tend to rebuilding HIS life before he can align with anyone in a truly healthy way. Anyone can align with someone else out of lonliness or need for support. But, that doesn't make that person a good candidate for a healthy relationship.

I adopted a very simple theory: choose to align with people who are NOT "under construction." However, you must also not be 'under construction' yourself. That means knowing who you are, what you want and the type of person you want to be with.

<>

That is just a symptom of the 'big picture.' More than likely, his a) newness to the city and b) pending divorce status is going to put him a place of wanting to fill some voids ... only the voids he needs to fill are only going to be filled if and when he realizes that no one OUTSIDE of himself can fill those voids ... he needs to focus on rebuidling his life, getting thru his divorce ... and if and when he's "healed" from that, THEN ... he will be ready for a relationship. He may be saying and doing things that say "relationship" ... such as meeting his parents ... but, it's doubtful that he's in a clear place in regard to his intentions. In the interim, most likely, if you choose to continue "supporting him" ... best you can hope for from him is that you can be a friend, companion, date, sex buddy, whatever ... but, he's more than likely not in a "relationship place" yet, ok? He's not yet divorced ... his past is not yet behind him ... which, in terms of what lies ahead, makes him a pretty unlikely candidate for a relationship that has the potential to grow, at this point.

Good luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2004
In reply to: soul1368
Tue, 11-01-2005 - 11:25am

Not that I am medically trained, but based on what you are telling me, this “nice guy” is in dire need of a surgical procedure. One that that involves your foot (preferably in spike heels) and his backside (preferably with no anesthesia). Why on earth would you want to wait around for a man that has gone back on his word? One major ingredient to any successful relationship is trust and based on his behavior, this man should could not be trusted to water a houseplant, let alone with your affections. If he did want to start seeing other people again, he should have giving you the courtesy of discussing with you BEFORE he put his profile back up online. That way at least you could make the decision to keep dating him as well as others or just end it. If you stay and “wait and see” you are going to damage your self esteem and no relationship is worth that. Move on and focus your energies to finding someone that is happy just to date you and not a cast of thousands.

Love yourself,

Miss Fabulous

www.askmissfabulous.com

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: soul1368
Wed, 11-02-2005 - 3:44pm

IMO it doesn't really matter if he is actually cheating or not because he broke his word about taking his profile down. I would have a very hard time being with a man who did that.

Are you really ok being with someone who does not honor his word?

And this is the guy who criticizes your looks also, right?

Who needs that BS???

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2002
In reply to: soul1368
Wed, 11-02-2005 - 4:57pm
This guy is not nice, caring or kind and since you are, you deserve better. What nice guy tells you he is not into you physically but he's willing to overlook it because he likes you? What nice guy lies to you about taking his profile off an online dating site? What nice guy tells you he is going out of town to visit his brother and then stays in town? None of these things is nice. You need to decide if you have enough self-esteem to leave this lying guy or if you want to stick around.

131.gif image by y_baros th5K.gif image by jade_simo

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2003
In reply to: soul1368
Thu, 11-03-2005 - 1:25pm

The guy may be nice but he's going thru a messy divorce and he said you're not his type physically! And he lied to you about the profile. So those are serious things to beware of before you get sucked in too deep

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