He did not invite me to wedding

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-20-2003
He did not invite me to wedding
7
Mon, 04-05-2004 - 7:32pm
Hi, my boyfriend of 5 months has 2 weddings coming up in early May. One is his cousin's and one is his best friend's. Well, he has not invited me to be his guest, and today, he mentioned the date of the wedding and I got the impression he was going alone. He said he had a wedding to go to that day. Well, we are pretty exculsively dating, so I figured I would be invited to these weddings, and I am sure he's able to bring a guest. I have not met his family yet, so maybe that is why he did not invite me to his cousin's. But his best friend's? I'm insulted about this, but I don't know how, or if, I should even bring it up. Does this mean he is not serious about me? Why would you not take your girlfriend to a wedding??? I have to add that I have met most of his friends and he has met mine. He invites me along with his friends and I have met the friends who are getting married in May once. If he definitely does not invite me (I'm sure by now it is not going to happen) should I tell him I feel like he must not view me as a girlfriend ? Do I even bring it up at all that I feel bad about it?
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2003
Mon, 04-05-2004 - 9:38pm
First, I don't think you should assume you are his "girlfriend" unless you've actually had the discussion, and you both acknowledged that you are seeing each other exclusively and that there is some commitment between you. Until he has said those words, you should really assume that he is open to seeing other women. If you HAVE confirmed that you are an exclusive couple (that's a word I like to use) then it probably just means that he is not ready to introduce you to his family. If his parents are going to be there, taking you to a wedding could be considered a pretty big "announcement" for him. Some people don't bring their SO's around the parents until they are engaged! Give it some more time...

I wouldn't complain about not being asked to a wedding at this point, even if there are no parents involved. If he doesn't invite you after you've been together 8 months or so, then I would probably say something.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Mon, 04-05-2004 - 10:16pm
What does "we are pretty exculsively dating" mean? You either are exclusive or you're not. And you cannot assume that you are. If you haven't specifically discussed it and agreed upon it, then assume you aren't. "Does this mean he is not serious about me?" I think it means he's not as serious about you as you *assumed* he was. I don't think dating someone for 5 months and meeting their friends automatically makes you his exclusive girlfriend. You're insulted and hurt, and yet you're still questioning whether you should even bring it up with him? That, combined with the fact you haven't asked specifically where you stand with him, shows you aren't communicating. COMMUNICATE or you will always have these types of situations, misunderstandings, disappointments, frustrations, etc! You can't scare away Mr. Right with discussion. Any guy who is "scared away" by you bringing up tough topics isn't the right guy for you, so don't shy away from communication. Burying your head in the sand b/c you're afraid of what you might hear will never get you what you want and need. Again, all it will get you is disappointment, frustration, etc. Good luck.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-20-2003
Mon, 04-05-2004 - 10:34pm
Thanks for the advice. It really helps. Well, we are exclusive. I guess what I should have said is "fairly serious." We had the discussion over where we stand a few months ago. We both said that we did not have any interest in dating others and would not do so. We said we'd be "exclusive." A few weeks ago, I brought up that I did not think he was too into the "coupledom," and that I just wanted to make sure we were on the same page. He said he had trouble being expressive, but that he believes we are on the same page. This second conversation was about 2 weeks ago. Also, the other night he said that he believes we belong together. So, I am just confused as to why he seems like he is serious on one hand, but when he keeps his distance with certain things, and does not invite me to the weddings, it makes me concerned.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-07-2003
Mon, 04-05-2004 - 11:04pm
Are you absolutely certain he is permitted to bring a guest to both weddings? Because it has become quite common to only invite spouses and fiances, not girlfriends/boyfriends or the nebulous "guest."

Anyway, if you are certain that he was allowed to bring a guest, then yeah, I do think it's odd that he didn't want to take you. What made you bring up a couple of weeks ago that you don't think he's too into coupledom? Do you think he's checking out of the relationship, becoming more distant?


iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2004
Tue, 04-06-2004 - 1:17am
You didn't mention how old he is...

Is this the first of his friends to get married? Has he been personally invited to a wedding before? Maybe he doesn't know what's expected of him. Or maybe he's a little rattled at the thought of his best friend and cousin getting married. Maybe that's got him thinking about how ready he feels for marriage. Maybe he expects you to go, and expects you to read his mind. Or maybe the families are keeping the events small and personal. Who knows?

You might ask him how he feels about his best friend getting married. And then take it from there.

Whatever it is, I seriously doubt his intention is to do something that would hurt your feelings. Personally, it wouldn't bother me, because I've found that going to weddings with boyfriends can end up feeling like spending Thanksgiving with someone else's family. My own family is enough, thank you!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-05-2004
Tue, 04-06-2004 - 10:20am
A lot of people ease into serious relationships rather than diving right in. They want to take the time to build the proper foundation to give the relationship every chance to succeed. To someone who rationalizes coupledom this way, meeting family and becoming integrated with his "core group" with life events like weddings, is serious business. He's probably the type of guy that doesn't decompartmentalize his relationships until he's 100% sure that it's going to stick. Being 100$% sure takes time for someone this careful. I can understand that mindset because I tend to think that way, too. If a guy meets my friends, he's halfway in. If he meets my family, I'm seriously considering a wedding at some point in the future. If he's there for life changing events, I'm sure I want him to stick around to come to another one and have my friends/family remember him.

Does that make sense?

Try to play it cool about the weddings. I'm confident (as confident as I can be having never met you two) that it's just a timing issue. If you've been integrated with his friends already, that's a good sign. Some of us have to take baby steps.

:) Good luck!

Ivy

georgiasugarbaby@yahoo.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 04-06-2004 - 1:13pm
weddings are EXPENSIVE family parties for you and your groom, your friends and relatives and of course everyone your mom wants to invite. The hosts of the event are traditionally the bride's parents...who don't know you and probably could care less that you're dating someone somehow connected to the bridal partie now for five months. They probably have a A list a B list and a C list of invites with a limited number of seats. They have to pay for the catering and wine per person. I'll never forget the audacity of people wanting to bring friends I didn't know to my wedding. Who ARE these people? If they wanted to meet me, we could all go out to coffee or a drink...but come to my wedding? This is a very special day for the bride and groom. It's not about the guest's friends.

Now, the thing is different if he actually got invitations that said Mr. Tom Jones and Guest and he's taking someone else. That's an issue. But you don't seem to know how the invite was issued and you're getting all bent out of shape. You don't even know for sure if you're included. You can just ask him if you're going to be free to do other things on those days or if you need to get some appropriate attire for the receptions. You're jumping to a lot of conclusions...everything could be cleared up with a calm conversation. I kind of wonder at your phrasing of things in your post...he's your boyfriend, you are pretty exclusively dating (which means what exactly?!) and you're not sure if he considers you his girlfriend. You've got to get a lot more cleared up than these invites.