he didn't come home!!! ???

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-06-2003
he didn't come home!!! ???
5
Sun, 04-25-2004 - 9:33am
my fiance didn't come home last night after work... its 7:25 am... what am i to think.. he's been wanting a night out but staying out all night?.. isn't that over doing it? he didn't even tell me he was "thirsty" he told his brother on the phone. What do i do with him i've asked him to be courteous to let me know when he decides to go out.. with the expectation of coming home at a respectable hour, but no.. no call, no couteousness, no respect. then he wonders why i have troubles trusting him.. he doesn't give me anything to trust! i know were going to get into it when he gets back cuz the only thing on my mind is.. who's keeping him from coming home? is he cheating? i know he's been checking out his co-worker at work.. (he's a cook... co-workers are waitresses)what should i do.. advise please... i don't want to come off seeming like a controlling g/f but hey trust, respect is a 2 way street.. if i sound angry its a reaction to many situations like this
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 04-25-2004 - 12:35pm
Well it sounds to me as though this isn't the first time you two have gotten into arguments over disrespectful behavior. My question would be why exactly are you staying with someone who doesn't treat you with respect, and before you answer "because I love him, or I've been with him for xx amount of years" come up with real reasons why...those aren't reasons to stay in a relationship. Respect, honesty, courtesy, compassion etc. are things that you want for a SO and a spouse, if you don't have those. What's the point in getting married to this man, the minute the ring is on your finger doesn't make all your trust issues suddenly disappear.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-06-2003
Sun, 04-25-2004 - 10:13pm
well to be honest, i knew deep down things wouldn't work. I let him stay because i don't want to be alone, i don't want to parent alone, we have 3 kids. I've always wanted to have a good strong family life, the kind you see on TV he gave us that or at least i made myself believe we had it. i made myself believe a lot of things. he came home didn't have much to say knowing i'd freak... he was with someone..said he was sorry but... he's gone now. now that my head is out of the clouds... reality hurts, it was better pretending happy ever after
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-26-2004
Mon, 04-26-2004 - 1:18am
Sorry to hear all your problems.Listen i dont know how old you are but iam sure u are one smart , attractive lady. He didn't come home u said, well u culd of talk to him ask why didnt he come , but in your case i dont think its gonna work it doesnt seem that he cares much.So why dont you do the same thing.Let him come home and it will be your turn to go out, go shopping, spa, club anything have a girlz nite out , have fun while u can dont go home or if u cant cuz of your kids come home late at nite.May be he does love you but hes sure u r not goin anywhere so he just does whatever he wants.Once u show that u dont care he is gonna be up your bum ( thats if he loves u ).So good luck to u.

PS. and hey no worries lotsa fish in the sea ;)
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Tue, 04-27-2004 - 2:51am
I dont know what you have decided to do about all of this yet, and I know you arent married, but here is a message board you might want to try: http://messageboards.ivillage.com/iv-rldivorcedun . It is for divorced people, but since things are so serious with this guy, you are going to be going through the same emotions as you would in a divorce. I wish you the best of luck and encourage you to find a trustworthy friend that can help you get through all of this. I am sorry to hear this happened to you, and dont forget that there are women all around you that have felt your pain and can help you get through it (myself included).
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-06-2003
Sat, 05-08-2004 - 1:20pm
Thank you for your comments... just to give an update.. we are still together a lil stronger then we were before. We were quite squimish at first, thinking i wouldn't trust him anymore but i'm willing to do it in return for respect. He was getting skittish about intimacy but I waitied till we felt comfotable.

All in all i think i over reacted some, just some. I'm still pissed that he didn't call to say he would be home late and that he was goin out with "friends" (co-workers) i'm even more choked that he didn't come home. However, my thoughts have changed since i made him ask his friends what happened that night since he doesn't remember. Embarassingly enough for him he asked.. and no one said anything, he felt awkward enough to find other work.

I would have felt supremely guilty if i made him leave that place for me. lol Insecure or what, yes maybe i admit it. But the point of my babbling is he said he left because he knows it wouldn't be good for our relationship. He wanted to do it too because it was awkward not knowing what went on. (he blacked out after 5 drinks... he was on medication at the time and didn't think it would have that kind of affect .. idiot) anyways...

I admire his intention to be quite frank with me that morning, he didn't try hide anything he answered all my questions without hesitation. of course i expressed my anger with him but the look of sincerity on his face while telling me what he thinks happened and the tears, i did what i felt was best... tell him i beleive him and accept his apology... letting him know i was still unsure about it all.

at this point of time i don't feel the doubt in my relationship as i did that morning, and a few days after that. I am also accepting the idea that he really did mean to come home after a few drinks before he blacked out. finally the mark on his chest that we labelled a hickey.. well its fading now, which leads to me think, maybe it wasn't a hickey afterall...(i think it was a bruise) and when he did wake up he said he was in a room by himself fully dressed except his socks. When i think back to when I first saw the mark.. it wa bluish not pitch red n purple like a bitch mark, but i over reacted, i was already pumped from his coming home close 9 in the morning. He over reacted too, we both didn't know what happened. I think he has suffered more then me, he could have been violated and never know who did it, a docotrs exam concluded that he wasn't sexually active that night and there was no mention about the mark.

Now we are still together, still getting married...he is more considerate of me too because hell what do i have to do these days, just sit at home and houseclean, care for the kids, think plus read these message boards, i don't work till fall laid off at the moment) its a daily thing, it can only get better if i make it better,(be less insecure) I'll tell you this much knowing that mark is fading like a bruise makes me believe even on a black out my man really does care and love me and that i shouldn't doubt that anymore... later