He doesn't like me to call him

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2004
He doesn't like me to call him
14
Thu, 03-11-2004 - 12:51am
We have been friends for about 6 years.

We have admitted our feelings for each other and have been talking almost daily for over 7 months now.

He calls me 2 or 3 times each day during the week while he is at work.

He does not call me in the evenings and rarely on the weekends unless we are going to see each other.

He is very sweet when we are together and tells me how much he loves me and how long he has loved me, etc.

The thing I don't understand is that he seems to get annoyed when I call him.

It seems I always catch him at a bad time. He is either busy, or tired. And anytime I bring up coming over it isn't a good time because he has too much to do or he is too tired. It seems like he only wants to see me when it is good for him. He says this isn't true and that I am reading too much into it. He says he is just very busy, very moody and sometimes I just catch him at bad times.

He says he loves me, loves talking to me, and that I should just let things roll and enjoy seeing and talking to him when I can.

At this stage in our relationship I'm thinking we should be wanting to talk and see each other as much as possible. Even when I'm very bummed or tired I still love to see and talk to him. He actually cheers up my mood. But he just wants to be left alone.

So this is what I'm doing. I just wait on him to call or initiate getting together. Things seem to be working much better like this, but I'm not sure it's right.

I just feel that maybe I am being a fool, and he is just using me when it's convenient.

And, no he is not married and not in another relationship. He is raising his daughter by himself, and has to call customers at home in the evenings. So I know he really is busy.

So my question, is this just the way guys are?

Do they like to feel in control?

When I call do you think he feels like I'm squeezing him?

Or should I be wondering if he really cares as much as he says he does?

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Avatar for bratgirl2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2003
Thu, 03-11-2004 - 6:28am
are you sure hes not married or living with someone? have you ever been to his house?
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2003
Thu, 03-11-2004 - 6:54am
"He says he is just very busy, very moody and sometimes I just catch him at bad times.

He says he loves me, loves talking to me, and that I should just let things roll and enjoy seeing and talking to him when I can." Translation: This relationship will happen when it's convenient for him.

Bells were going off in my head when reading your post. Something just doesn't seem right and you're vibes are telling you the same otherwise you wouldn't have written.

Was he like that when you were just friends? Is this a recent development? How well do you really know him?

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 03-11-2004 - 7:26am
I would let him do most of the calling and entirely disagree that either of you "should" want to talk all the time - a healthy relationship means that you can spend time apart and still feel secure and have your own life and interests that you are happy to share when you're together. He is being honest with you - he is moody and tired - he is not trying to make a great impression on you nor is he telling you that he is willing to put in the effort to change his mindset when you call - the way I am, if a friend calls and needs to talk and I am moody/tired I will tell the friend so but will make an effort.

It sounds like you are much needier in this relationship and overanalyzing to the point of trying to generalize about all men - which is silly, IMO. The man I am dating most seriously calls just about every day but he is not such a phone person, I have known that for years, and I accept it and don't see it as a sign of less feelings for me. On the other hand, even though I've known him all these years, if he sounded moody or tired I would not invite myself over - one of the tests of intimacy is knowing how to give to the other person - including the giving of space - you don't need to be a mind reaader but if you take your neediness out of the equation you wouldn't dream of inviting yourself over when he sounds moody and tired - you woudl know that when he sounds like that he wants to be alone.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 03-11-2004 - 8:23am
Sounds like you need a lot more out of a relationship than he can give you. Are you sure that this is what you want? Maybe a guy who has more time, fewer obligations and is less moody would be a better match for you?

What would happen if you suddenly weren't allowed to take calls during the day at work? Would the relationship be over? Seems like this is all on his terms. Are you okay with that?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Thu, 03-11-2004 - 9:16am
Here is my opinion based on the little that you have told us. To me it sounds like he's not calling in the evenings because he is working and he's a single father, and he's not calling on the weekends because he's doing things and he's a single father. I think it takes a lot to raise a child on your own, that has to eat into his free time and also has to zap his energy so that maybe he can't be as available as other guys you've dated.

Some people don't like to talk on the phone, especially if they have to do that for work all the time. Wanting time to relax and unwind, spending some time alone, etc., are not negative qualities in a person. It does sounds like you could benefit from having some other things to do, other interests that keep you busy and make your life more balanced. You should not need to be together all the time.

When people are in a relationship that is not meeting their needs, I think there is a tendancy to think about what the other person can do to make it work. But it might simply be you are not compatible and there is no need to try and make it work. Only you can decide if that is the case here. But if you have to change him to make it work for you, the relationship will probably not last. And finally, you really should be asking yourself if you are doing what you need to do to make yourself happy, regardless of whether you are in a relationship. A relationship cannot fill an empty hole within yourself, only you can do that.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-07-2003
Thu, 03-11-2004 - 9:44am
I think that the two of you are just not compatible. I think that you want a lot more from him than he is able and/or willing to give you. Whether it's b/c he's only into you when it's convenient for him or b/c he doesn't have time for you b/c of his child and work - either way, the end result is that you aren't getting what you need out of the relationship.

For what it's worth - I do think he sees this as a relationship of convenience for him. HE sets the timetable for everything. The fact that you are expected not to call him would be unacceptable to me. I do let a man do most of the calling in the beginning, but if a guy ALWAYS said it was a bad time when I did call, I would have a problem with that. It seems to me that this is not a relationship of equals. If he wants to talk to you, he calls you and you talk. If you want to talk, you call him and he says he's busy. And honestly, I think he is using work as an excuse. If he is able to call you 2 or 3 times a day (!) from WORK, then why on earth is work an excuse for him not to be able to talk to you in the evenings? It just doesn't add up.

And though you say you know there isn't someone else - I wouldn't be surprised if there is.


iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2003
Thu, 03-11-2004 - 12:08pm
I'm going to make some assumptions about the nature of your guy (something I usually try not to do). But it's only because I was involved with someone that sounded like him years ago. It didn't work out, and I am SO glad I got away from that man.

Here goes...

This sounds like a man who wants to keep you at a distance. You try to initiate ANYTHING, any activity at all, and he goes cold. Sure, your desire for him strokes his ego, and he chooses HIS time to get together, for the rush. But deep down, he is not really comfortable with your affection for him. He can't allow you to get too comfortable with him because he doesn't really want the responbility of a real give-and-take relationship. Thus, he must call all the shots and keep you off-kilter. It's selfish, frustrating and not fair to you.

He calls you during the day, 2 or 3 times a day, while you are at work because he knows it's a safe time. He can say all the sweet things he wants and get you all stirred up and excited, and you can't do anything about it, because you're at work! You can't expect to see him while you are at work. It's actually a rather evil tactic.

After 7 months of being with someone, you should feel fairly secure that you can pick up the phone OCCASIONALLY and call your boyfriend in the evening. Even if he is busy, he should not be rude to you.

He is playing his own kind of cat-n-mouse game with you and he is not ready to let you "in" ... maybe he never will be.

My "friend" also had a young daughter who he was raising alone, and he often used her as the reason why he wasn't available to me. Sound familiar? And there very well could be another woman in the picture. My ex-jerk had one, I later found out. He didn't treat her any better than he treated me.

I know you feel attached to this man now, but you WILL get over him. And you will be RELIEVED when you find a true partner... someone who is not only OK with you calling but who looks forward to it. To this day, I probably call my boyfriend 40 percent of the time, versus his 60 percent. We are both very comfortable with this arrangement. But believe me, when he is expecting my call, he is expecting my call, and he is very disappointed if am late or I miss.

I don't know how long you will put up with your situation, or whether your guy will eventually change. But I wouldn't bet on it. You deserve more and better, and you shouldn't have to beg for it.


iVillage Member
Registered: 03-12-2004
Fri, 03-12-2004 - 9:53am
Oh yes, I have been to his house.

We mostly get together at his house.

He is definitely not married or seeing anyone else.

But he is "busy". He just can't sit still.

He is constantly doing something, working on something.

He has to stay busy. I think that has something to do with it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-12-2004
Fri, 03-12-2004 - 10:00am
I had no idea what he was really like when we were just friends.

I thought I did, but...

He didn't seem to mind me calling him so much at first. At first he seemed to love hearing from me. The further along we got in our relationship the more I noticed it. It's funny because the closer we've gotten and the more he has opened up to me about his feelings the more all of this has come out also.

But I have noticed that if I make it a point not to call him just to chat and let him do that, that when I do need to call he is much more open to it.

And I have noticed he is like that with others. Even his mom. He will tell her, he had a rough day and needs to get off the phone.

I just don't think he likes talking on the phone that much!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2003
Fri, 03-12-2004 - 3:59pm
You have turned this into an issue totally about telephone calls... but your original post said a LOT more than that. From what I read, this man has been withdrawing from you and then coming back when he is ready... kinda' like a yo-yo. That is MORE than a problem with talking on the phone.

By the way, the guy I was telling you about in my other post?... he was also unreliable and distant with other people in his life. That didn't make it acceptable when he was that way toward me, and it didn't help OUR relationship survive.

But we're not talking about my ex, we're talking about your friend. And clearly, you have not given up on him. Maybe you are OK with not having much say-so in your relationship.

I certainly hope it works out for you, whatever happens.

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