He doesn't like me to call him

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2004
He doesn't like me to call him
14
Thu, 03-11-2004 - 12:51am
We have been friends for about 6 years.

We have admitted our feelings for each other and have been talking almost daily for over 7 months now.

He calls me 2 or 3 times each day during the week while he is at work.

He does not call me in the evenings and rarely on the weekends unless we are going to see each other.

He is very sweet when we are together and tells me how much he loves me and how long he has loved me, etc.

The thing I don't understand is that he seems to get annoyed when I call him.

It seems I always catch him at a bad time. He is either busy, or tired. And anytime I bring up coming over it isn't a good time because he has too much to do or he is too tired. It seems like he only wants to see me when it is good for him. He says this isn't true and that I am reading too much into it. He says he is just very busy, very moody and sometimes I just catch him at bad times.

He says he loves me, loves talking to me, and that I should just let things roll and enjoy seeing and talking to him when I can.

At this stage in our relationship I'm thinking we should be wanting to talk and see each other as much as possible. Even when I'm very bummed or tired I still love to see and talk to him. He actually cheers up my mood. But he just wants to be left alone.

So this is what I'm doing. I just wait on him to call or initiate getting together. Things seem to be working much better like this, but I'm not sure it's right.

I just feel that maybe I am being a fool, and he is just using me when it's convenient.

And, no he is not married and not in another relationship. He is raising his daughter by himself, and has to call customers at home in the evenings. So I know he really is busy.

So my question, is this just the way guys are?

Do they like to feel in control?

When I call do you think he feels like I'm squeezing him?

Or should I be wondering if he really cares as much as he says he does?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2004
Sat, 03-13-2004 - 1:16pm
No I am not OK with not having much say so, which is why I was asking for opinions.

I don't have alot of experience and have only been involved in one long term serious relationship. So I am sort of clueless about it all.

I see your point about me making it totally a phone issue. I guess that's because most of our relationship is on the phone now that I think about it. We talk way more than we see each other. Kind of sucks doesn't it?

I also know that I am pretty insecure, and needed to see if I was overreacting to what may have been typical male behavior. I just may not be ready for this at all.

I do appreciate all the input!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Mon, 03-15-2004 - 6:22pm
Bottom line: Get a life...please! You are depending on this man for your sanctity and it overwhelms him. Do not always be available when he does make calls. Only return calls and keep them short. Tell yourself in the mirror each day "I love YOU" no matter how you feel! Could it be that he has issues with closeness and/or committment? Only time will tell, yet please keep busy, be less available and love you a whole bunch! Let me know how it goes!

Take care!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2003
Mon, 03-15-2004 - 8:09pm
I didn't really think you were OK with a one-way relationship (his way!) I know I was very unhappy when I was in that situation. And no, it's not "typical" male behavior for a guy to never want a woman he is (supposedly) dating to ever phone him or initiate any contact at all. I believe it's true that men generally prefer to be the pursuers, but an emotionally healthy and AVAILABLE man will want his woman to take the SOME initiative.

This is not the only man in the world, hon. Just because this relationship didn't work out doesn't mean you are not fit to date anyone! Try to get over him and find someone who is not only willing but who WELCOMES your interest. They are out there!

Take care, and good luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-08-2002
Mon, 03-15-2004 - 9:31pm


For original poster:

I too was involved with a man like jilly73 describes, who kept me at arms' length by controlling how often we talked on the phone. Other ways he maintained distance between us were by controlling how frequently we saw each and how often we had sex. Most of the time he wouldn't even bother to answer the phone when I called. He did this with everyone, by the way, screening his calls and taking his time to respond despite being home to answer. I was miserable and insecure and felt "off kilter" as someone described it in another post. I finally told him he was hurting me and I wanted to end it. That didn't stick at first, but eventually our relationship ended. I am so glad it did, because the man that I seeing now enjoys my calls as much I enjoy his. I still let him call the majority of the time, but he has never made me feel like he didn't want to talk to me or that I was being a nuisance to call him.

I thought that first guy had commitment issues, but after we broke up, he almost immediately met a woman whom he fell in love with and married. He just didn't care enough about me to want to get closer to me. I hope that isn't the case with your guy, but it sounds like it may be. Be careful and pay attention to how you feel. Don't ignore your feelings about this.





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