He doesn't reciprocate

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-26-2003
He doesn't reciprocate
6
Wed, 08-11-2004 - 5:23pm
I've heard a lot of stories about friendships with benefits. And here we go I'm in one. I knew it from the begining and I had no problems with being in FWB. But now...Oh, gosh...I don't know what's happening to me...The last time it ( falling in love) happend to me was 8 years ago so I'm not that type of person who falls in love too often.

When we started our FWB relationship I kind of liked it since I've never been in one and I was thrilled in a way. We would meet twice a month and sex was a-m-a-z-i-n-g! But then, every time I went home I felt sooo blue. I decided to stop doing it. I haven't seen him for 2 months. During those months I kept thinking about him and ocasional crying was involved. Then I got feeling that my feelings for him were gone and I just missed our fun time. We started talking again and one day I gave up and we get together. Sax was great but than I spent 3 days crying none stop...

I just don't know what's going on but my head is a total mess. I'm no longer interested in my job, hobbies, friends. I'm indifferent to my body and health. I don't know what to do. I feel horrible. When I think of him I start crying.

I don't have a life....
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2003
Wed, 08-11-2004 - 6:43pm
You do have a life, you're just confused. There's so many emotions and feelings involved when we are intimate with people. When there's a FWB situation usually one person, usually the female, starts to fall in love. Nothing wrong with that, and it's simple to equate the lust=love or sex=intimacy. Sometimes too, women (and men) go along with the FWB hoping that the partner will *wake up* and want a relationship with them. May not be a conscious thought, but it happens.

You need to stop this FWB situation, and stop talking to this guy or putting yourself in a position where you can sleep with him. Go out and find someone to date and your mind will be off this guy. You're upset because you're not getting what you do need from this guy, so find someone who can give that to you. Look for the whole package, not just the sex.

Photobucket

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 08-11-2004 - 6:50pm
Look - to date requires effort. It means you have to plan, prepare, pay, dress up, go out....it also means that you get to enjoy conversation, events, and interests with a companion rather than alone. But "dating' doesn't mean "I want a relationship".

A relationship is a JOB.....it means you have to consider someone else's needs and wants equally with your own, you have to communicate and compromise. YOu also get to enjoy the conversations, events, interests and usually sex with someone that you admire, trust, and respect as a person - rather than alone. A relationship is a job....but dating is not always a job interview.

But FWB...and I am so NOT knocking it....is neither a job interview, or a job....it's hanging out at the beach with your buddies on Saturday and having a good time.

and the reason that people do FWB...is because they don't want to interview for a job, they do not want a job.......and they do not want the effort of dating. They just want the ONE BENEFIT of dating/relationship that they really like - SEX.

Sex is physical gratification -it's not an emotionally bonding experience, it doesn't inspire respect, admiration, trust, or acceptance of you as a person.

What women don't get is that "getting laid" is fun. But that's all it is - it's getting laid. I know plenty of guys that can get up from getting laid, go back to the bar and pick up another girl - and get laid again.

It's just a physical activity - like running...it's just a physically enjoyable thing - like listening to good music.

I heard this the other day...it's graphically gross but highly accurate. Ejaculation is like urination...and when you gotta go you gotta go. You'd rather urinate in the Ritz in Beverly Hills. Where there is porcelain tile, and it smells great, and there is a service valet with a real linen towel that you tip as you leave. There is hair care products, etc. in there as gratis items.....the bathroom at the Ritz in Beverly Hills is the "best" bathroom in the world. But, if the dirty chevron station on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere is all you can get - you'll use that. No problem.

And if there i no Ritz or Chevron....you can stand outside the car and just go.

So there you have it.....it's graphically gross but highly accurate. IF a man isn't admiring, respecting, accepting as you as a partner in his life PRIOR to sex...he won't because of sex. And if you put yourself out there in FWB..what you are doing is saying "I'm a chevron, I'm not worth paying for - but here, utilize me anyway."

Erin

quickblade14@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2003
Thu, 08-12-2004 - 3:40pm
Erin, can't say that I like the analogy, but it does kind of hit the nail on the head.

Photobucket

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-23-2003
Thu, 08-12-2004 - 5:15pm

You DO know what to do, hon.

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Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Fri, 08-13-2004 - 2:20pm
I know exactly what you are going through, because I've been in that situation more than once.

As a gross generalization, some people, mainly men, seem to be able to separate emotion from sex. As another gross generalization, many women do not. Being intimate creates all kinds of bonds; chemical, emotional, and psychic, that women seem to be more attuned to than men. I agree with the other posters, don't get further involved with this guy. In my experience, the crying etc. stemmed from my emotions being at war with my body: I wanted more of the feel-good sex, but not without emotional fulfillment. I had to break all contact with the men so that I didn't create false hopes for myself only to be disappointed over and over again.

Hold out for what you really want and you'll break that cycle.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-26-2004
Sat, 08-14-2004 - 8:23am
Its why FWB rarely work.
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