HE DOESN'T SEE WHERE HE DID ANYTHING WRO
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HE DOESN'T SEE WHERE HE DID ANYTHING WRO
| Mon, 04-26-2004 - 2:39am |
Dearest Dr. Doyenne,
I have love my now ex live in boyfriend for 3 years now. We dated for a short period of time and then started living together. I did everything I could to make my home "his home" enclucing getting rid of my things to use his ok. Now I have 3 children and he has 2, so I now had 5. At first he was the sweetest man, the kindest human that ever walk this planet.He worked hard and was a good provider.
Well here I was working and coming home to cook , clean, and be mother to kids. and when he got home supper was done and all he had to do was sit down and eat and then do what ever else he wanted the rest of the night. Well soon it got to be everything that I did was cause for him to threaten to leave me, If I stayed up late on the computer (never chatting, just playing a card games) he was gonna leave, If I didn't have sex with him he was gonna leave, heck my child wanted to take a bath instead of a shower one night and that too was cause for him to leave. If I sang along with a song on the radio "I meant something by it" what was the meaning to me, for me to sing along???I promise you this man threatened to leave me at least 4 times a week. Now he finnally did move out, but since we've seen each other on and off. The last time "I THOUGHT" we were going to get back together he called it off "BECAUSE I HAVE MALE FRIENDS". I WASN'T SUPPOSE TO HAVE ANY FRIENDS REALLY I guess or go any where or have any time to myself! But anyway now I guess the only time he will even talk to me is if he wants sex, other wise he wont answer his phone, reply to my emails, or texts and says I disrespect him????????? I could never treat anyone the way he's treated me, but yeat I haven't just turn and walked away from him... WHY?? I know I did wrong in our relationship, but I would have never cheated on him and I would have never walked away from him, BECAUSED I LOVED HIM,and to me that meant working anything out. Tell me why I do this to myself, if I know how he is why do I keep putting myself out there, just to hear him say "us breaking up was all my fault, for one reason or another" or "believeing him when he said that "this time he'd never leave me again, just to the very next day do it again"
but not once did I not believe in him, and he never even saw me for who I am. Help me let gooooooo !!! Veronica
Edited 4/26/2004 3:38 am ET ET by sexyiiiss
I have love my now ex live in boyfriend for 3 years now. We dated for a short period of time and then started living together. I did everything I could to make my home "his home" enclucing getting rid of my things to use his ok. Now I have 3 children and he has 2, so I now had 5. At first he was the sweetest man, the kindest human that ever walk this planet.He worked hard and was a good provider.
Well here I was working and coming home to cook , clean, and be mother to kids. and when he got home supper was done and all he had to do was sit down and eat and then do what ever else he wanted the rest of the night. Well soon it got to be everything that I did was cause for him to threaten to leave me, If I stayed up late on the computer (never chatting, just playing a card games) he was gonna leave, If I didn't have sex with him he was gonna leave, heck my child wanted to take a bath instead of a shower one night and that too was cause for him to leave. If I sang along with a song on the radio "I meant something by it" what was the meaning to me, for me to sing along???I promise you this man threatened to leave me at least 4 times a week. Now he finnally did move out, but since we've seen each other on and off. The last time "I THOUGHT" we were going to get back together he called it off "BECAUSE I HAVE MALE FRIENDS". I WASN'T SUPPOSE TO HAVE ANY FRIENDS REALLY I guess or go any where or have any time to myself! But anyway now I guess the only time he will even talk to me is if he wants sex, other wise he wont answer his phone, reply to my emails, or texts and says I disrespect him????????? I could never treat anyone the way he's treated me, but yeat I haven't just turn and walked away from him... WHY?? I know I did wrong in our relationship, but I would have never cheated on him and I would have never walked away from him, BECAUSED I LOVED HIM,and to me that meant working anything out. Tell me why I do this to myself, if I know how he is why do I keep putting myself out there, just to hear him say "us breaking up was all my fault, for one reason or another" or "believeing him when he said that "this time he'd never leave me again, just to the very next day do it again"
but not once did I not believe in him, and he never even saw me for who I am. Help me let gooooooo !!! Veronica
Edited 4/26/2004 3:38 am ET ET by sexyiiiss

I completely understand why you feel the way you do. I am in a similar situation. I hurt the person I love awhile back and years later he still uses it as a reason why he ends it all the time. he tells me it is over once a month it seems. When I tell himhow it hurts me it always is my fault in one way or another. I have to carry the blame for everything. Maybe you feel this way too but what hurts me so much is not that he ends it otr leaves me but he knows how it breaks my heart every time but yet he still does it. How and why would he or your man want to hurt us all the time. They can do no wrong and maybe they know that they are wrong but they can't accept it so they get defensive or have to justify in some way or another so they blame us. Maybe they know that we will always be there to "chase" after them so they know it is never really over and maybe they like that. he takes you for granted, you know that. I know my man does. They think they can do whatever and we will still be there. If he does this and this is what I am dealing with now is that after three years and for em it si three years too that tey still act this way, feel it is ok to hurt us like this and don't see that there is anything wrong then they will always doe this. Anymore the relationsship is more trsessful then good. he stresses me out big time. We split up a month ago and he is being super sweet and wants em back and I ended it with him for the reasons you and I get so frustrated. he is saying all the right things but I know it qill never change. If he has not yet then he never will. You and I both have to let them go but what are we losing really? We are losing someone who feels it is ok to hurt us, it is ok to take us for granted and how can they possibly respect us when they basically don't care that we tell them they hurt us. You can't live walking on egee shelss being afraid he will leave if you do something wrong. What kind of life are we luving if we are always insecure. There are men out there who don't do that. I don't know your man but I am fine without him and living and was in love with another. It sounds crazy to say but if I am and all the women I know can live without him then so can you. Do you know what I mean by that? he won't change. Mine hasn't either and I am very sad without him and I do cry but I also feel a weight has bene lifted. I am no longer stressed out and afraid of what he may say to me. It's bitter sweet and we will get over them, everyone does.
You know you are so right, matter of fact when I started dating someone else my ex wanted me back and ohhh the promises to never leave me again were so believeable, until just a couple days later for what ever reason it was again over. But I've honestly never done (from my point of view anyway)anything to justify him leaveing. But today after reading your reply I thought about things and asked him this: would you want someone who left u everytime u did something wrong, or even just something they just didn't like? Would you want someone who didn't BELIEVE in u?... He couldn't answer that. Then I told him: MAYBE I SHOULD HOLD ON TO ALL THE HURT "YOU DIDN'T" CAUSE ME EITHER. Well It's been a couple hours since I sent it to him and NOW!!!!!!! He wants to change his tone,,,,, now he wants to talk to me. Well I told him I was just fine with him ignoring me and that he was right... THAT EVERYONE DESERVES TO BE TREATED JUST THE WAY HE WAS TREATING ME.. (of course I was just saying that) and hung up, girl he's called I bet you 30 times, and it feels so good!! Veronica
Loving someone does not mean being a slave to them. It does not mean giving completely of oneself to try to get something in return.
To me he sounds very selfish and controlling and surely not someone who has your best interests at heart. As for respect... he has no respect for you if he treated you that way...
Letting go shouldn't be that difficult if you will stop and realize that you are far above that type of manipulative controlling treatment.
tg
I am gald I helped you in some way and I am glad he is somewhat realizing what he has done and is losing. It is AMAZING how you can be with them for all these years and get nothing and then in one week you get the phone calls, the flowers, etc and it does feel good BUT remember they go back to what they were before. he is shock that you are standing up for yourself so let him be on his own and have a hard time letting you go now. Now...you can find someone that would not do that to you and call you thirty times to talk not only on the days you say it is over.
I have a question, though. In your post, you said that you "know you did wrong." Maybe I missed it, but what exactly did you do wrong? If you think staying late on the computer is wrong, singing to the radio is wrong and giving your child a bath instead of a shower is wrong, then this man has done some damage to you! Seriously, this ex of yours sounds like a real jerk and a control freak. Not to sound harsh, but if he really loved you, he wouldn't have threatened to leave 4 times a week and over silly things like that. You also stated that he now only talks to you if he wants sex and tells you all the time that you're disrespectful to him. Veronica, this guy is bad news! I would even say he's being emotionally and verbally abusive to you. My advice is this - drop him like a ton of bricks! Don't talk to him if (and I suspect more "when") he wants to talk to you. Whether it's for a "booty call" or he wants to try to get back with you. Many times when control freaks see that they no longer have control over you, they beg for you to come back. He!! with him! I just feel bad for his kids.