is he giving mixed signals or...?
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is he giving mixed signals or...?
| Fri, 10-01-2004 - 8:23pm |
Hi, I just need some advice since I am no good when it comes to figuring out men. I have known this guy for a bit over a year now and well we have been friends. He has been a great friend in all this while and especially recently I was going through some tough times through which he really supported me. Well I guess because of that we spent a lot of time together and well I haven fallen in 'like' for him. I am an honest person and I hate to play games so I told him about my feelings.
He was nice about it but he never did say he liked me back but just refered to me as a 'dear friend'. I didnt tell him that but I wasn't expecting that response at all! Not the way we are when we are together and alone. I am quite conservative I guess but I thought that we had started to get intimate (keep in mind i dont have a lot of experience with men). Well intimate in the sense that there was tickling, caressing (a lot of caressing), and he made comments such as, 'i didnt know how much i missed you until today' etc. So well, I took it as a hint that he liked me. I even asked him once if he is committed and he told me he wasnt.
He was nice about it but he never did say he liked me back but just refered to me as a 'dear friend'. I didnt tell him that but I wasn't expecting that response at all! Not the way we are when we are together and alone. I am quite conservative I guess but I thought that we had started to get intimate (keep in mind i dont have a lot of experience with men). Well intimate in the sense that there was tickling, caressing (a lot of caressing), and he made comments such as, 'i didnt know how much i missed you until today' etc. So well, I took it as a hint that he liked me. I even asked him once if he is committed and he told me he wasnt.
Anyway, after I told him how I feel about him, he hasn't bothered to say anything. On top of that my friends asked me for a night out and turns out he was going there as well but never told me about it even when I was telling him how much I needed to get out!...so i dont know but it felt as if he was trying to hide me or hide some1 from me. When we went out I didnt see him all night and it bothered me alot. I just want to ask him straight up that if he had a girlfriend and if she saw us at the park or in his apartment the way we were, would she think its normal?...But i am not sure if I have a right to ask that question. I am not sure that the messages I got from him were actually those he was trying to send me.

Sometimes men are nice to girls because they want to be nice. He knew you were going thru a hard time. It doesn't mean he liked you more than a friend. The reason he probably didn't ask you to go out even though you had told him you wanted to go out, was because he doesn't want to lead you on. He doesn't want to invite you somewhere and give you some false hope that he likes you. He will probably act strange around you or even distant because he feels uncomfortable that you voiced how you felt and he doesn't feel the same way.
I know he was caressing or saying he missed you, maybe he thought he would have feelings for you or perhaps he was just trying to be nice... Actions speak louder than words though that means if he likes you - he would be calling, trying to hang out with you and like I said he would have told you he liked you when you told him that you liked him.
If he does have a girl friend or not doesn't seem to really matter. It sounds like he has been straight up with you and I wouldn't ask him. Actually if I were you and you still want to try and keep the friendship, I would give it space and time for things to blow over so that he can feel comfortable again around you.
And since you claim inexperience - here is how it works. You teach people what you're worth and worthy of and how to treat you.
Basically, you went thru some hard times nad leaned on his shoulder, and you began to believe he's the knight in shining armor that you've always hoped you find ( go with the exaggeration - it works better for you to see it clearly).
And you've made it known that you like him as more than a platonic friend, and prior to doing that - you were huggy, touchy, kissy, tickly, feely with him. In short, he didn't have to "earn" the right to have any physical option on intimacy to some degree with you - you wanted that type of interaction, he wanted it - and you two engaged in it. He didn't have to date you, ask you out - you simply assumed him to be a person of good character that "surely wouldn't be so foward if he didn't want more in terms of emotional bond".
And now you're finding out that you can tell him "waht you want and need" - and he doesn't respond as more than a friend. No "friend' is obligated to take you out - just because you claim "I need out of the house". You're a mature adult and can take yourself out of the house - and find interests, goals, and hobbies, and friends - you don't need "someone to take you out" - just because you want to go out.
And you're finding out that he's not asking you out formally, he's not very polite or gracious to you in public....but if you went back behind the closed doors he'd be touchy, huggy, kissy, feely all over again
Indiating "I don't want to date you - I want to get laid." And because YOU put the optiona nd offer out there without dating to get physically active - he took you up on an offer. Just as most guys would.
He didn't use you - he didn't promise you anything in exchange for being so physically friendly. And I'm willign to bet that while you were pouring your heart out to him, and you're believing that he's been all sympathic and emphathetic with you - what he's been doing is hearing "blah blah blah" because he had nothing else better to do at that time, and at the conclusion of each of your "I need a shoulder sessions" there was lots of hugging and touching and interaction...which might have led to more if you had permitted it.
Review the facts...has most of your interaction had "physical involvement" in some regard in it at some point in the evening or day? If it has - realize that the common denominator is the physical activity, and your non-requirement by him to do anything but 'listen' in order to get access to your body.
Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com
Wow! thanks...I really don't know how to take it. I didn't even realise that I am putting my worth out as that - worthless. There are things that I dont want to believe. I don't want to believe someone would be dishonest with me - in terms of hearing blah blah blah while I was pouring my heart out. I guess what I am feeling right now is pure hurt, shame and stupidity.
Thanks anyways