Is he going to break up with me?
Find a Conversation
| Tue, 08-31-2004 - 6:32pm |
Hi everyone, I have been writing in for a while now about my boyfriend of 5 months who just revealed that he had a man go down on him once when he was in his 20s. Well last night I was a bit angry at him and am afraid I kind of used it against him. I was trying to discuss his pot use and how that upset me, how he is wild and I have had to experience things that have made me question him ( i.e the incident with another man, some sex videos I had stumbled onto of his ex girlfriends). I was telling him about how a man in his mid 30s still using pot and going to clubs is lame, that all the porn on the computer was lame as well and I was just so angry at him. He exploded and got really mad that he punched the wall and left a hole in it and said that I am on his case all the time because I have no life and am always thinking idly. He says I keep on acting like a brat and that I have bought this on myself and he's giving me what I want which is to break up. I went outside for a while and then asked to come back in because I was too emotional to drive. He wanted me to lie down with him and we made up but I just kept on crying and wanting him to comfort me but he would not. He just wanted to sleep and said everything is fine, but this morning he did not kiss me goodbye and I am scared he does not love me anymore. when I asked him if he loves me he says yes but then he says he is numb. He says that he wants more than anything to be in love more than to be loved. I guess that means he is not in love with me anymore? what should I do ? Please help. He is a wonderful boyfriend despite the pot use and all that I have complained about was from his past. I just have to let it go and I want to try to. I am not sure if at this point I should just cut all ties and he will come back when he misses me. I have wrote him a letter explaining all my frustrations and such and he wants to discuss it tonight. and signed his IM with a kiss. Any input would be much obliged.

I think it will be a blessing for you to break up with this guy. He will not stop using drugs and he will not stop looking at porn. Do you honestly want to be going around in circles with him? If you don't like it, instead of changing HIM, change YOU and leave. No one is making you stay with him! And the longer you sit around hoping he'll change, the less time you're allowing a mature honest man into your heart.
Now you say, "He is a wonderful boyfriend despite the pot use and all that I have complained about was from his past."
No, it's not only about his past. It's about his current behavior, and it's about the fact that you don't like it, you don't agree with it, and you can't make it okay for yourself by pretending it's not true. You are attempting to reinvent him into the kind of man you want him to be. You are going so far in that attempt that you're discounting the issues that upset you in the very recent past.
He'll probably come back to you, and next week he'll do something else or the same stuff he's been doing all along and you'll be upset again. He's not going to change, he is what he is. You can force yourself to accept him, you can disregard your own values in favor of his, you can do all of that and keep him. Realize that if you stay with him you are choosing to accept him, and it's not fair of you to make any complaints to him or "get on his case" when he has never promised to be anything but what he is. (That doesn't mean it's reasonable to condone the way he conducts his life - I sure wouldn't pick a guy like him.) You have to make a choice one way or the other. I hope you choose wisely.