is he gun shy!?!?!?!?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-12-2004
is he gun shy!?!?!?!?
7
Fri, 03-12-2004 - 4:27pm
i am 32 divorced with 1 six yr old son. i am dating a 31 divorced no kids man for 5 months. the last 2 relationships he was in were with younger women who hurt him quite a bit and has told me that it was hard for him to let down the wall get close to someone. he has told me from the beginning that his does not want to get married or have children and he knows that is what i want and he just doesnt want to waste my time. i think he is telling me this to scare me away. i told if he knows that is what i want and he knows he is never gonna want that then why does he keep coming around? he didnt have an answer. i told him to let nature take its course and lets just see where things go. we really dont know each other enough to predict anything. i know i do want to get remarried and have another child with the right person. am i wasting my time? and if i am what do i do about it? we get along great and have a wonderful time together. do i just suddenly break up with him or should i see where things are going?
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Fri, 03-12-2004 - 4:44pm
I am 33, soon to be divorced and have a 3 1/2 year old dd. I would also like to be remarried someday and have another child if it's meant to be.

I think he keeps coming around because he likes to spend time with you, and maybe for the sex if you are doing that. It's not that he doesn't want to keep seeing you. But listen to he says he doesn't want the same things you want. He will keep coming around if you let him. But you are setting yourself up for a big disspaointment when he keeps his word and does not ever fall for you.

There is no question here. He's being honest but you are not listening, and you might be trying to believe that if you just keep seeing him and see where things go, that he will eventually want marriage too. You have to be honest with yourself.... if you want to be remarried someday, you have to dump him and keep looking.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 03-12-2004 - 6:53pm
I think it depends on your purpose and goals for dating right now. If you are dating to find a partner that leads to marriage and children - then he has told you very clearly he is not the right guy. If you can accept dating as two people enjoying each other's companionship & company then you can continue but remember that your current long term goals do not match.

If you continue dating him with the hopes that you will eventually change his mind, then you are putting yourself in a high risk situation.

There is no single right answer but you do need to come to some form of acceptance of the current situation, then make a smart decision.

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 03-12-2004 - 7:35pm

You are wasting your time if you are sure you want to get married and have children.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Fri, 03-12-2004 - 9:26pm
Listen to what he's saying and forget about trying to read something else into it. He told you he didn't want to be married or have children. You have a child. Why would you ever even consider pursuing him? I was once a divorced 30-something single mother and although when I started dating I didn't think I'd ever get married again, I would never have dated someone who told me upfront he was not interested in marriage or children. Why even risk becoming close to someone who's goals, priorities and wants/needs are not in line with your own? A waste of time IMO and worse, a needless risk to your own emotional well-being as well as the well-being of your child.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-27-2004
Sat, 03-13-2004 - 2:47pm
I would take him at his word. I agree that he is seeing you because why shouldn't he?

Your best best is to tell him what your goals are and since these are not his goals, you aren't going to see him anymore.

It's possible he will come to a realization that he is not really so gun shy -- but don't count on it.

And if he does try to come back, I'd really hesitate until I was sure that he wasn't just stringing you along again.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-12-2004
Tue, 03-16-2004 - 3:14pm
if i out of the blue put him on the spot and give him an ultimatum, wouldn't any man run the other way. shouldn't we get to know each other and see where things are going? can i expect him to right now say that yes he does want to get married and have children? and if i did do this and he came back and decided that maybe he does want to get married and have children how will i know he is serious?
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Tue, 03-16-2004 - 3:23pm
He has told you that he does not want marriage or children yet you keep rationalizing it away. When men tell you that they want no marriage or children, believe it! Do not excuse it or ignore it or you will set yourself up to get hurt.

He keeps coming around because you allow it. Put an end to this and move on. Heal thyself and be open to a man who wants the same things you do; marriage and children. Until then, take care of YOU and YOUR SON!

Take care!