He has a girl as a best friend

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-13-2004
He has a girl as a best friend
5
Mon, 03-29-2004 - 1:22pm
I've known this from the beginning, so it's not like it is some revelation to me, but my bf has two best friends, one is a guy and one is a girl. In both cases they have been friends since childhood.

I'm having difficulties with the his friend who is a girl.... I will be the first to admit that I am slightly jealous in all aspects (not just when it comes to her), but I try not to be. I will also admit that I have guy friends too. One in particular who is like an older brother to me and has never been, nor will ever be, of romantic interst to me, so I will not be hypocritical and say he can't have friends that are girls.

She is married and has a child. Her and her husband have friends over a lot. I have met her a few times, but got to spend a good amount of time with her and her husband and my bf Friday night. She and my bf talked the ENTIRE time we were there. Her husband and I both just listened. They would occasionally say something to us but rarely.

My bf and I have talked about it and he swears to me that they are just best friends. She has told me that she could never think of my bf as anything other than a brother. They love and care for each other just like a brother and sister would do.

I know I shouldn't have problems with this... and I know that they are best friends and that best friends check up on each other and spend time together (always with her husband or her son, never completely alone)....And I know that he has left her house to come get me or to go out with me or to talk on the phone or something (when we are not together)....

I guess I just want to know if anyone else would have a problem with this or if I am just being jealous and dumb about the whole situation?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-26-2004
Mon, 03-29-2004 - 1:54pm
Hi! I totally understand where your feelings are coming from; and at least you know that the feelings are somewhat inappropriate.

It's hard, in a relationship when the other person has really close friends of the opposite sex...I think it goes back to the question on whether or not men and women can just be friends without sex? I believe this is true though.

I have many male friends, and in my relationships have had bf's with female friends. Many times it was hard for us both to handle it. Honesty is very important here. My bf would always tell me when he was going to see a female friend, and I would always tell him when I was going to visit a male friend. Do you trust your boyfriend? If so...try not to let the feelings bother you so much. From what I read it appears he makes effort to show you that you're still his number one lady...that's amazing!

I don't think you'll ever get over feelings of jealousy, or will you ever be completely comfortable with the situation; but listen to your gut. If it's telling you there is nothing to worry about...don't! Try to keep your thoughts occupied with something else. If you guys go out as a couple thing...strike up conversations with her husband...Just try not to think about it too much. You'll just end up stressing yourself out over nothing.

Hope I helped.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-13-2004
Mon, 03-29-2004 - 2:18pm
Thank you!!! You have eased my mind! You just said exactly what my best friend (who is a woman) told me. He cares about us both, but just in different ways. I just have to figure out how to stop thinking stuff like that!! Jealousy is horrible!!! And I trust him with all my heart. just have to stop making things up in my head!! lol

Thank you!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 03-29-2004 - 8:13pm
This is something that you have to get over or leave him...if you can't relax about his friend, there's no way that you are ever going to feel good in this relationship. This is about you and your insecurities. They don't give you (or her husband) cause to worry, right? Appreciate that he can have a meaningful relationship with a woman...it's a good thing.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-05-2004
Tue, 03-30-2004 - 12:54pm
Let me offer some of the other perspective for a moment...

I am the best friend of a guy. We've been close since high school but there is zero attraction. It's purely platonic and we both know that. But I know the friendship can seem a little intimidating to someone trying to date either one of us. It's hard not to feel intimidated when your SO has inside jokes and history with anyone nonrelated who's still in their life, whether it be an ex, a colleague or just a good friend (I've been there, too).

When my friend starts dating a girl, I'm very proactive. I make an effort to get to know her and be her friend, too. You know, after meeting her with my friend or in a group, invite her along shopping or to a movie one day when my friend/her boyfriend won't be there. Reaching out to each other will ease your jealousy, I think. This way everyone stay realistic about the boundaries of your friendship/relationship.

And remember, if your boyfriend wanted to ber with her, it would have happened a long time ago. Rest assured, once someone is in the "friend zone" there's no coming back!

Hope this helps...

Ivy

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-13-2004
Wed, 03-31-2004 - 8:40am
Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!!

That makes me feel so much better.