He hasn't called. Advice?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-17-2004
He hasn't called. Advice?
4
Fri, 09-17-2004 - 12:42am
I've been interested in this guy for about two months now. He works at a restaurant and he was my server a number of times. I think he's attractive, charismic, and has a great personality. I don't know that much about him, but I do know that I'd like to.

A week ago, I went to this bar/restaurant and as I was leaving, I convinced my best friend to give him my number because I was way too embarrassed. She asked him if he had a girlfriend, he said no, and she said she was asking because I was interested in him. He described me and she confirmed it was me. He saw me waiting outside and came over to talk to me. I told him I was sorry I pulled a middle school dating technique of sending my friend over, but I was embarrassed. I learned that he's in school during the weekdays and is very busy with work on the weekends. He asked a lot about me and seemed very, very interested (he always looked at me when I was at his restaurant, even when he wasn't my server).

He gave him my number (to see if he was really interested) and he wrote it down on his order pad. He tried to set up a time to see me, but our schedules are totally opposite (he works weekends whereas I'm free on the weekends. I'm not available until after 5 on the weekdays and I don't even know his school schedule). I honestly didn't want to keep him from his job, so I told him to call me and we'd set up a time when he wasn't so busy. He said he'd call and this was a week ago.

I thought he seemed really interested in me and he doesn't even know me, so it kind of bothers me that he didn't even call to hang out at least once. I can keep telling myself that maybe he lost my number, he's not over an ex, he's too busy, or one of the other million excuses I can think of.

My best friend and some other friends suggested that in at least two weeks from the day we talked, I should go back and eat and drink there like I normally do. If he really did lose my number or something came up, he'll apologize and I'll get his number so this doesn't happen again. If he doesn't, then I'll realize he really wasn't that interested. It just sounded SO promising that he was interested in me (and I'm usually quite pessimistic about these things. My best friend was within eatshot of our conversation and agreed he was totally interested in me).

Do you guys think I should go up to his work in a week and just be myself and see what happens? I really can't seem to let this go until I have a definite "I'm not interested in you" or some other excuse. Thanks!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-15-2004
Fri, 09-17-2004 - 1:13am
Hi,

Aw man, I feel your anguish. This guy at my school and I went on a couple dates and he seemed totally interested, too. But after the dates we never talked on the phone, and eventually he told me that he didn't want to be bf/gf. I really wanted a reason, like you to at least get some closure or whatever. He told me that it was because he was really busy and wouldn't have the time to put a 100% into the relationship and didn't want to lead me on when he wouldn't be able to fulfill my relationship needs. Could that be the case in your situation? Since he seems to be really busy, and your schedules don't mesh, maybe he doesn't want to get your hopes up only to later let you down. I think you should go back and ask him what's up, though. For your sake, and to give him a chance to explain himself. Good luck, and don't exhaust yourself thinking about all the reasons why he hasn't called you. It usually isn't right, and we end up doubting ourselves in the end.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-17-2004
Sat, 09-18-2004 - 12:26pm
You're exactly right. I was thinking about the fact that perhaps he doesn't want a relationship at this moment, but for all he knows, I might not want one too. I might just want one date with him to see what could have been. But he doesn't know until he actually calls, you know?

At least I've quit questioning why he hasn't called and I've just accepted the fact that he hasn't. I'm going next weekend to see what the deal is and after that, I'm done. I'm just the kind of person that has to have some sort of closure in order to deal with situations. If there is none, my mind races constantly and I resort to seeking outside opinions.

Anyway, thanks so much for your input! I'm going to quit stressing about it and see him next weekend.

Take care!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-15-2004
Sat, 09-18-2004 - 2:30pm
Yeah, I know exactly what you mean. I mean, it's not like you're looking for marriage on the first phone call. You just want to know if it could work beyond glances in a restaurant. I'm like you, in that I need closure too. Well not need, but it's nice to get. I don't think some guys think about that, like girls do. They figure it's just easier to blow off the girl without "hurting" them, but in reality I think it hurts more to being blown off, and not given a reason why.

Anyways, tell me how it goes, if you want. It'd be interesting to hear what he has to say. Also, are you sure he'll be working when you go? Be prepared that he might act all nonchalant about things, like nothing happened, or he might even try to avoid you that night, too.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-17-2004
Sun, 09-19-2004 - 1:07am
Exactly. At least tell me what the problem is -- are you still into an ex? Are you not ready for a relationship? Did you hate that I asked you out? etc.

Yes, I'm positive he's working next weekend unless he quit. He told me he can only work weekends because of school. So when I go for drinks next weekend with a girlfriend, he'll be there for sure. And I'm totally prepared for the consequences. I'm letting him make the move. If he wants nothing to do with me, he'll ignore me. If he lost my number, he'll approach me. If he's indifferent, maybe he'll come over and talk; or maybe not.

I'll definitely let you know how it goes. I'll probably just post something so that whoever sees them in weeks to come won't still reply to it or anything after the problem has been solved :)