He just doesn't get the hint!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2004
He just doesn't get the hint!
3
Tue, 09-28-2004 - 6:36pm
My Problem is I have a psycho ex-boyfriend who will not go away it's like he never gets the hint. I met him about four years ago and we met at a party I was 20 at the time I forget how old he was but we met he said he liked me and he seemed pretty intense from the beginning but definitely not psycho. Well, the day after we met he called me and asked me out and we started dating well on our first date he embaressed me by getting drunk in front of me, my two best friend's, and my one friend's boyfriend. We were at a Bowling Alley and he kept dissapearing and I found out later he was at the bar doing shots and I gave him money for a Taxi home (yes I know am an idiot) Anyway he did call and apologize but a month later my friend's wanted to set me up with another guy so I dumped him he took the breakup well and said sorry we didn't work. We continued to run into one another out at Clubs and stuff and he'd say hi but that was the extent of it he didn't bother me. Well last November I was out Clubbing with my Friends and I had met another guy and we were kissing and this guy walks by us because we were sitting on the steps and I swear he looked familiar and he came back by again and I realized it was my ex and I said his name and he said what the hell are you doing with this guy. Anyway I left to go talk to my ex and he's like I always missed you and never stopped thinking about you and you were the Woman I wanted to marry. He called me that night and we agreed to try to work on things (yes I'm an idiot but I do believe people can change) Well we went on a date one night it was me, my best friend, my other best friend, and my boyfriend's friend because he and I were playing matchmaker and trying to set up my best friend who was single and his best friend who was single as well. Well, needless to stay the date did not go well he acted like an idiot the whole time not only did he not have money for my ticket he had no money at all I had to pay for my own ticket! So anyway I finally said I was going to get a drink I got up and left and went home. So after that he tried to call me to apologize but I wouldn't pick up (gotta love Caller ID he's the whole reason I had to get it) Well his best friend wanted to see my best friend this one night so we went Clubbing and he said he was coming and well of course my boyfriend found out and wanted to see me even though I didn't want to see him. So we get to the club he's there and drunk and looks like a slob. So my friend's left us alone and I sat down and I said look this isn't working I don't want to go out with you anymore I'm sorry. He started getting very upset and he said no please don't do this we can work this out and I said no I'm sorry it's over for good this time we aren't working he begged me not to do this he offered me money when earlier he had told me he didn't even have money to buy me a drink oh well he had five dollars but told me if he used it on me he wouldn't have money to buy another beer and later my friend saw him pull out 100 dollars. So I told him no you lie all the time it's over I'm done. He said fine if that's what you want he looked hurt and wouldn't look at me. Anyway a few weeks later before Christmas I saw him Clubbing he was dressed very nice not like a slob he didn't get drunk he behaved himself and left me alone and when he left the club he said I'm leaving I'll see you later and I gave him a hug goodbye. Well since my best friend was dating his best friend I come to find out later he was dating an older woman a "much older" woman last year and having sex with her and she kept bugging him to get her an engagment ring finally he got her one but then he left her and moved back home and that was when he started seeing me again but she kept calling him asking him when they were going to get Married and he ignored her because he was with me. Well she kept trying to call him and he kept blowing her off because he was with me. Anyway he ended up asking me to marry him and I told him no and then said well you give engagment rings away so freely then why would you want to marry me and of course he tried to deny that he ever was involved with her or that she was calling or that he gave her a ring and I said please your best friend is dating my best friend I know okay. So anyway he told me later that he met some other girl and moved in with her and they were engaged to be married I later found out from my best friend because he confessed to her this was a lie to make me jealous and it didn't work and she came back and told me what he said. Well anyway New Year's Eve was my Best Friend's Birthday and somehow my ex thought we were going to meet him and his best friend that was never the plan it was my friend's birthday we were just staying home and watching Movie's. He sent 100 Text Messages till 6am demanding to know where I was and why we weren't coming out. Then he called at least 40 times all night demanding to talk to me asking them where I was finally after the 40th time my best friend grabbed the phone and said stop calling us now leave her alone she doesn't want to talk to you. Well this one day I had to go to work early I came home and had 40 messages from him on my machine. I finally picked up and I said leave me alone never call me again I don't ever want to hear from you again he argued with me and then I just hungup on him. Everyday when I came home from work his number would be on my Caller ID 30 times. This went on for a few weeks finally my best friend's sat down with him and said it's over leave her alone she never wants to hear from you again and he said I don't care if she doesn't want me no one else is going to have her she's going to be with me even if she doesn't want to. My friends just told him to get over it and told him he was crazy. So he actually told me if he ever saw me with another man he'd kill them and that if he couldn't have me no one else was ever going to have me. He actually told my best friend a few year's ago when they talked that he and I were living together and engaged and I was about to have his baby of course none of this was true my best friend saw me ever week and she said I see her every week if she was pregnant I'd know I saw her she's not pregnant. Well his best friend gave him my screen name online he'd send me messages asking why I hated him why I was doing this to him why I was ruining his life why didn't I love him he'd do a 180 from being sad to calling me a bitch and saying I was ruining his life. This not only affected me he'd call my best friend at 2:30 in the Morning bawling on the phone asking why I didn't love him. I came to find out later that night at the club was no accident he was hiding somewhere in the club spying on me and I came to find out everytime we went clubbing he'd hide and spy on me and then call me later that night and say I saw you. He'd call me out of the blue and he say he was near my house or where I lived and then hangup. The one night he called me 40 times till 5 in the morning. Recently he got in an argument with his mom and he hit her and she sent him to Jail and refused to post his bail he was in Jail for like 2 months and finally he got out and he constantly bugged my friends to ask me to hangout and they said she doesn't want to see you leave her alone get over her. He told them he tried to call me and they said don't call her she wants nothing to do with you. I think he still tries to call I get hangups all the time and he's the only person who calls and hangsup. Anyway I don't know what to do at this point I want him to leave me alone and go away. I have a new boyfriend now who I love very much and I know he's the one we've been together almost five months and he's just amazing he's everything I've ever wanted my ex does not know this but he'd go psycho if he knew I'm sure he'll know eventually because my friend's will tell him if he asks which he still bugs them about me and what I'm doing and who I'm with. My boyfriend is not happy that he bothers me and said when he comes to see me he will have a talk with him if he wants me to and that he won't ever bother me again he knows what I go thru and he's not happy about this either. I wish he could do something about this now but he's deployed in the army so there isn't much he can do for me right now. My friend's even told him if he didn't leave me alone I was going to go to the police and get a restraining order and he said no one will ever keep me away from her and the police won't do anything and he just laughed. So basically is there anyone who has been in a situation like this does anyone have any advice for me who has been thru something similiar to this?
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 09-28-2004 - 6:49pm
Well, here's the thing. The guy isn't "into you" out of respect and admiration. He's insecure, immature and sees you as the best option that he'll ever get to have benefits, security, opportunities and status.

That's why no matter what you say - he doesn't "hear you" - he hears his needs in light of what he perceives he would have if he was with you - and he hears nothing else.

So, QUIT having any contact with him at all, whatsoever. And...go down to the police station and file a report on harrassment (this is civil so far, pretty much) if they'll accept your report....and realize once you get the police involved what you've got to do is maintain a "no contact is desired for any reason" attitude - meaning you walk away if you see him and if he hounds you - call the cops and have him arrested for harrassment.

They will issue you a restraining order. But apparently he knows how useless that is, at least in terms of 'keeping him from you'. A restraining order says that he's not to go where he knows that you'll be...it doesn't stop himi from going to the grocery store or library - those are public places. IT stops him from going to your job if he has no other business there, and it says "don't go to her house". But in order to get police protection and enforcement of the order - he's got to "break" the order, you call the cops and they arrest him on the charges.

So, he will get "one last contact" before he wears iron bracelets. And even then, it'll be a very minor violation and would not involve jail time..unless he does something stupid in jail and gets more charges racked up while in there that are unrelated to you.

But change your number, file the report as he's stalking or harrassing you, NEVER have any willing contact with him and walk off if you see him around....and refuse all contact period hte end.

Because you're perpetuating yur own misery in a sense. I know that you don't want to "feel bad" if he ends up in jail...or is crying - so to avoid feeling bad you have conversations that lead to more harrassment.

Too bad...actions have consequences....and if he's going to contact you - that is going to have negative consequences to him. That's the position that you've got to adopt and enforce.

He might get it in that there is risk and negativity to him and so he leaves you alone. Or he might not get it that easily - in which case you'd need law enforcement big time, and it'd already be apprised of the situation.

Erin

quickblade14@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2004
Tue, 09-28-2004 - 7:05pm
Thanks for your help I really appreciate it know him wanting to be with me has nothing to do with respecting me he doesn't respect me or any other women for that matter. I would not feel bad in the least if he went to jail and his tears do not phase me I honestly don't care how he feels he's never respected me so I definitely don't respect him he makes me sick. I'm glad he went to jail for hitting his mom it's just too bad he didn't have to stay there
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-2003
Tue, 09-28-2004 - 9:56pm
First of all, girl that was the longest post I've ever seen!!! Ding Ding Ding I think we just hit a record.

But i understand why it was so long. You do have to tell the whole story to get the picture in our heads. I'm sorry you have to go through this. I've never been in this extensive of a situation but I've had a few Crazy Guys that could not let go. You first have to give your self some credit. Because the reason that he is still wanting you is at that time in his life he was happy. You made him happy. And all he is wanting is that hapiness back. I don't feel (and you'll probably agree with me) that being back with you would make him any happier. It seams as though some thing in his life has changed that is making him unhappy.

I'm at a loss for words on how to help you with him. I've used this one (I'm not sure how you would use it in your situation). But I sat down with him and asked him why he wants to still be with me and then I asked him why on his answere to that question. And then I asked him why again on the answere to that question. Usually by the 5 why (if he's not pissed off already) there comes the root of it. It's more for him to realize what is making him unhappy and then you guys ca talk about a way to fix it. Most guys don't like to do this, but if you can just talk with them and explain to him first that the reasoning fo asking WHY so many times is to help see if the reason your asking it is so you and him can get the same anwere. That way you both know that you guys are together for the same reson. And most of the time it doesn't work out that way adn then they see the reasoning behind why you and him are not together.

Hope this helps and good luck!!