Is he just lazy?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-25-2005
Is he just lazy?
3
Sun, 09-25-2005 - 9:46pm

This is my first time posting on this board and I'd really like some advice/insight from people who don't know me or my significant other (an objective third party, if you will). I'm in my mid-20s. My boyfriend and I have been dating for over a year now and it looks like we're headed toward marriage. We love each other very much. He's smart, funny, affectionate, and has strong family values -- all things I look for in a long-term partner. But I have a problem with our relationship and it's an issue that's been bugging me from day one. It seems like he doesn't want to put in any effort to be romantic or spend time with me apart from the usual Friday/Saturday night routine. It seems like he's just lazy. We'll go out for coffee maybe once during the week, but that's about it. I'm not asking for fancy dinners or expensive outings. Just a little quality time together whenever we can. You would think when you love someone, you'd want to spend as much time as you can with them, especially when that time is so limited (our work schedules often conflict).

I am a firm believer in the effectiveness of communication and have brought this issue up with him before. My BF's a pretty laid-back kind of guy (and sometimes that's a good thing), so when I finally got up the courage to talk to him about it, he was very receptive and open to change. After our little talk, things improved for a while and then they went back to the way they were before. And so here I am, still feeling really frustrated, perplexed, and unappreciated. I feel like I'm being taken for granted, like he knows I'll be waiting for him whenever he's ready to spend time with me. I just wish he'd wake up and realize I won't. He's told me many times that he loves me, that he loves spending time with me, and that I am "the one" for him. But I can't help but think actions speak louder than words. Am I asking for too much in this relationship? I really don't know what to do and I'm sick of feeling this way. Any thoughts/advice?

kath550

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2003
In reply to: kath550
Mon, 09-26-2005 - 9:23am

He's not lazy, he just enjoys spending time at home, on the sofa, relaxing. You, on the otherhand, want to go out and enjoy the outside world.

He's very happy doing his thing, if this isn't okay with you, you will need to evaluate whether this is the man for you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-01-2005
In reply to: kath550
Mon, 09-26-2005 - 12:06pm

Ooh - check out the string that I started "Is Good Company Enough?" I've had a similar issue, and the suggestions people gave me might help you.

I think part of it for me is that *I* got lazy by not actually voicing preferences. He'd suggest dinner and a movie in, and I'd say sure why not. That happened enough times that he got comfy with it. So now, I'm suggesting more things that I'd prefer to do, and at least this weekend, he has been pretty perceptive to it. He might always have preferences that are different from mine, but I think as long as he's willing to do what I want to do equal time, then we can both be content.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: kath550
Mon, 09-26-2005 - 10:05pm
you know that commercial where the husband is waiting for his wife to figure out what to wear and he keeps replaying that one song...? well, how about playing the Beetle's song _You're Going to Lose that Girl_?
This is not going to change. How do you feel about being in charge of setting up romantic dates ALL the time? This is going to get worse, it is not going to get better. Just how important is this to you?? You've got to make a call. You've already stated your case, he's tried for awhile...if you keep reminding him to do something that doesn't come naturally to him, you'll soon be called a complaining nag, a whiner.