he is just not into me??

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-23-2006
he is just not into me??
13
Fri, 10-05-2007 - 3:22pm

hi my favourite board, your advice pls!

is it normal with a guy that u met twice so far but have talked on a chat already a number of times - that he calls or writes you just once a week ? that he can cancel on a date ("i'm sick so prefer to stay in, sorry didnt call u before")and then take u out the next day? and then come to chat talk casually and never ask you out? and then disappear? we had lunch last Sat and then just chat briefly yday. thats it for this week!!!

he told me on a chat how much he likes me but his behaviour is saying the opposite. should i freak out? bail out? wait and relax?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-07-2003
Fri, 10-05-2007 - 3:48pm

Sounds like he likes you but he's lazy, and he probably doesn't realize that being this lazy could lead to the end of the relationship. i posted a message earlier today about a guy I'm dating who recently started resorting to text messaging instead of calling me. I think some of these guys think once you've gone out on a few dates with them they've snagged you and they don't have much else to do.

There are a few ways you can deal with him:
-play it by ear and go out with him a few more times and see if it changes. He could just be taking things slow, but at the same time, I usually think that someone who really wants to be with you is going to do more to show it.
-the next time he calls, pretend you don't know who he is, say, "Jack who?" and then joke about the fact that you never hear from him so you forgot how his voice sounds.
-or just bail. if you don't feel like you're going to get what you want out of this relationship, then get out of it.

I'm giving the guy I've been seeing one or two more dates and if he doesn't remember how to use a phone, that's it. If you're not looking for something serious but you have fun with him, keep going out but don't expect much.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-23-2006
Fri, 10-05-2007 - 4:16pm

thank u for advice sunnygirl! :) a bit more context on this story

he is 35, moved to the city where i live about 2weeks ago.we met on a plane a month ago and then kept in touch before he moved in. he told me how much he liked me, bla bla. then we met finally last Sat.

two things that i wonder about:
- i like him yet when i saw him i didnt feel the "OMG he is the one" spark. i just had very good time with him but i'm not ready to go further yet. its mostly him playing hard to get that ticks me off and makes me want to see him again (weird me, i know...) So right now i REALLY want him to call me!
- last Sat during our lunch he brought up his ex at least 3times. i kept politely knodding and changed the subject each time. is it normal that he did it? i felt uncomfortable each time and wondered 'is he really over her? or he is just saying to make it clear smth?' They broke up this march and were together only a year.

i'm confused... i dont want games, dont want to date just for the sake of dating. What i want is either be happy single again (about 8months that i'm out of relationship) or to date a guy who loves me and truly cares for me.

hmm....

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2007
Fri, 10-05-2007 - 4:36pm

You've only been out with the guy once... Chill out...Maybe he is not "playing" hard to get. He just moved there, he probably has a lot going on. He has a life, things he has to get done other than dating.

If he is playing hard to get... then he is not worth your time. Games have no business in a mature healthy relationship.

Bringing up his ex 3 times on your first date would be a red flag to me. Maybe he is not over her yet and not really ready for a relationship. Doesn't matter how long they were together, it takes some people longer than others.

You need to be happy with your life and yourself, before looking for a relationship.

Good luck

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-23-2006
Fri, 10-05-2007 - 4:42pm

yeah red flag - i'm so with u on this one...why did he rush over to me on the plane and give me his business card and then write me and tell me he likes me so much?? guys are weird indeed

so i should just give him space and time to get over her? and kick back and relax in the meantime?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-07-2003
Fri, 10-05-2007 - 5:49pm
Exactly. That bringing up the ex three times is certainly a red flag. She's still on his mind and he's not even trying to push her out of his head in order to better impress you. I'd be pretty ticked by that. You're not his therapist. Sounds like he wants to move on from his ex but it's hard to do it single so he's dating you as a way to help him move on, but he's not totally "there" yet. I've been down the same path before with a guy from college. We started off as friends, then we started dating, and after two months he tells me he's still into his ex from high school and wants to win her back. Needless to say I felt like crap and that was an awful thing for him to do to me. to top it all off he was shocked that I didn't want to talk to him, nor was I very cordial to him afterwards-- as if I should have been more understanding.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2007
Fri, 10-05-2007 - 6:24pm

Maybe it was the moment, maybe he doesn't realize he is not over his ex yet.

Remember no matter what they say..... Actions speak louder than words. Until you really get to know someone take what they say with a grain of salt....

Yes give him space, go on with your life just like before you met him. If he is interested, believe me he will let you know not just with words but with his actions... Good luck

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2006
Fri, 10-05-2007 - 6:29pm

It sounds like he is juggling things and that is why he is keeping in touch, but not regularly.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2003
Sat, 10-06-2007 - 12:42pm
It does sound like pursuing this relationship isnt something he's giving alot of attention to right now.
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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-23-2006
Sat, 10-06-2007 - 1:43pm
even if he still likes me? so basically i just step back and do not expect much of the action? or to avoid him all together and not accept any more dates? hmmm... it started so nice and romantic and now. cant say i'm devastated. just frustrated with him i guess...
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-21-2003
Sun, 10-07-2007 - 1:19am
Believe in his actions/behaviors and NOT in his words. This guy has you as a "back up" for when he's dateless or planess. You're second choice. Keep him as a friend only.

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