Is he just taking things slow?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-19-2003
Is he just taking things slow?
8
Tue, 05-09-2006 - 12:58pm

Hi all :)

I know I could have drawn my own conclusion based on numerous posts I’ve read here, but my anxiety is k.i.l.l.i.n.g me, so I have to write and ask for some opinions, and I hope I won’t bother ya’ll too much… I’ll try to make this as precise and concise as possible...

I’ve gone out steadily with this man (via Match) for the last 4 weekends (communicated via emails for about 2 weeks prior to that). We held hands and kissed on our 3rd date. Everything about him so far is great (mmm... not sure if I should use the word “great” since I’m here asking for advice LOL). He works in a different state 4 days out of the week, and I work 5 days a week, so we can only see each other on the weekend. He’s always called promptly after each date to make plan for the next one and always called when he said he would etc. He is extremely well grounded and has verbally told me that it takes a lot for him to trust and fall in love with someone, but once he does, he gives it all. Our dates have been wonderful (on my end anyway) and I have no complaints whatsoever. However (yes, that “however”), he doesn’t call that often during the week. He used to send me a brief email every Monday morning to see how things went and we would exchange short emails back and forth (perhaps 1 response a day). And he hasn’t contacted me since we went out past Sunday. We already made plan for this upcoming Saturday, so I’m not stressed out over when to see him again. But I still would like to hear from him to reaffirm his interest in me, I guess. I know that sounds pathetic, but I just really like him :( :( :(. I’ve done a pretty good job in not initiating much contact at all, even though he sounded glad when I called (twice).

Well, long story short (as if my story weren’t long enough already LOL): He does “seem” interested in me and gentlemanly when we are together. But he still keeps his distance when we’re away. I wholeheartedly hope that it’s because he’s a mature man (which he is) and just being cautious. I know we haven’t known each other that long and it “should” be a good sign that he’s taking things slow, but I want some confirmation from others out there (both male and female perspectives) just in case I’m giving him too much credit :( :(. He’s also told me that he’s not seeing anyone else and neither am I.

Please smack me in the head and tell me to calm down before I screw this up altogether. I'm really trying to be focused here at work and not think about him :( :(.

Thanks ya’ll!
icuryy

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-21-2005
Tue, 05-09-2006 - 1:10pm

Well, it's only Tuesday, so it's only been a couple of days since you heard from him, and you do have a date scheduled for this weekend.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-16-2006
Thu, 05-18-2006 - 11:44am
if he is not eger to speak to you then he is obviously not in love. but that takes time anyway to develope. the fact that he calls when he says and treats you good is a plus. some men don't want to be bothered during the week.( i am the same way) if you call during the week even once or twice you are not giving him time to miss you. i personally like to do my own thing during the week and then spend time with girlfriend on weekends. That doesn't mean i am seeing anybody during the week. i just need my own personal space to do what i like to do. if you do the same then he will start thinking that you are an independent person who doesn't need to rely on his attention. if that is the case, he may even call you or text you or mayeven take you out during the week. main point is just let him get to the point where he will miss you.
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 05-18-2006 - 11:50am

He just may not be the type of guy who sees any point in talking on the phone during the week. That may not change even if the two of you get to be more serious. So it's up to you to decide if that's a dealbreaker for you or not.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2006
Thu, 05-18-2006 - 12:12pm
I'll tell you my friends story. She met a man on match.com, they went out, and their story is similar to yours. They got together every weekend for a year but during the week he hardly ever called. She really liked him and even 6 months into the relationship wasn't sure where things stood with him. She did as was suggested to you and would send a "how are you" e-mail every now and then, or call once in a while but not often. After a year of dating he popped the question (huge surprise) one Valentines Day adn they've been married for 2 years now. He said he knew he should have called her more but he was busy, and he wanted time to be really sure before a step like this. Soooo, maybe it will work out positively for you as well. Sounds like you two have a nice start. Good Luck
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-26-2005
Thu, 05-18-2006 - 4:47pm
I have recently gotten serious with the guy I dated for 4 months. We finally had the "talk" and things have been amazing. I have never been in a real relationship where I have felt this way. Our schedules are hard because he manages a restaurant at night and I work 8-5. Up until this point I have always made excuses for the men that I was dating. Like, oh he didn't call because he was busy or maybe I shouldn't call him because I was making myself look to desperate. I am still going throught his right now and I called him to say hello a little while ago and I am asking myself why, etc? But I realize that when someone really really likes you they want to be around you as much as they can. With our busy schedules we are around eachother almost every night. He either comes to my house when he gets off or I will go over to his house and leave early in the morning to go to work. I want to be around him all the time and vice versa thats why I now realize that this "too busy" stuff is just bs. I am sorry that I am being straightforward but believe me I was in this situation everytime until now. He wants to tell everyone that he is my man and that I know how much I mean to him. It is just a great feeling and I want everyone to experience it. I still find it really hard becuase I still stare at the phone waiting for him to call or not call. I am still anxious that he really doesn't like me as much as I like him but I know that is not true and have to go with the flow. So After all my rambling I would tell you to go with the flow and always always trust your instincts!
Good Luck!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2006
Thu, 05-18-2006 - 7:00pm

I've also been seeing someone who is out of town for work from Monday morning to Thursday late night. We talk on the phone once a week during the time he's gone and keep in touch via email (1-2 emails a day) and then spend the weekends together (one or two dates). It seems pretty natural to me for this point in the relationship (only about 7 weeks). It sounds like you're in about the same situation. What one poster said about giving him time to miss you is important, ...time to reflect on you and your dates.

One thing that comes to mind about this situation (and this might be totally different for you) is that I don't want to be in a weekend-only relationship long term. The person I'm seeing is working on a project that lasts until November. I guess for me it's important that this isn't permanent or at least we get the opportunity to spend a big block of time together during the week days at some point (e.g. a year) before making a big committment. I don't know ...for me it just feels strange to build a long term relationship like marriage on a just-for-weekend dating situation. I need to know that he and I can totally enjoy each other's company in the mundane context of the week as well.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-19-2003
Fri, 05-19-2006 - 1:15am

Thank you, ladies, for your thoughts and advice! In fact, countrygrlupnorth's first post really really helped me calm down and resist the urge to contact him!!! I know, as a girl, sometimes all it takes is a little venting and then I'll feel much better LOL! So again, thanks for letting me vent!

To crane2006 - yes I know he's not in love with me yet and I don't expect him to after only 1 month of knowing each other (I did have one of those "too fast, too furious" relationships in the past where the guy said he couldn't live without me after 2 months of seeing each other and apparently he's still alive now without me!! :-o :-o). And I understand completely what you're saying in regard to looking needy and desperate for a guy's attention. I guess it's not so much about me needing his attention but more about my own insecurity, pondering what if he's seeing me only because he doesn't have anyone else in the pipeline yet, and not because I'm special. I know that sounds ridiculous, but I was used to dating guys who were more interested in me than I in them, so I always had the upper hand, so to speak...

To ldack1 and gal_love4me - thanks for your lovely stories :-). I know you shouldn't have to walk on eggshells when you're in love and I know I won't tolerate that either. But learning from past experiences, I know I should let things progress naturally (and many times it means s.l.o.w.l.y)... I guess it's just my nature to be impatient...

To Sheri and lucky4elle - I know the traveling will be extremely tough on me if things progress between us. Honestly I don't even know how I'd handle it either. We have actually talked about it, and he said he'd be willing to find work in town if that's what his woman really wants but that would mean a huge pay cut (he's making good money now), so I think I'm okay in that department.

Here's an update on what's going on (if anyone still reads this far LOL) - he sent me a short email right after I started this post and we talked briefly the night after - nothing exciting. Then we went out last Saturday and I gently brought up the topic that I felt like he was just looking for a weekend buddy (yes, I know I'm impatient :( :( ) He responded quite constructively, saying that he didn't want to bug me during the week because I told him I wanted to take things slow and he didn't want to rush things since it's pretty easy to not think clearly with our heads during this infatuation period. And he asked what I'd like him to do instead, so I told him I'd like to hear from him a bit more often during the week...

Well, that's it for now. I've done the damage. Now I'll just enjoy the dating as it progresses and see where it'll go. He also calls me his girlfriend even though his definition of girlfriend is quite simple: I'm the only girl he's dating :-o :-o :-o.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-19-2003
Fri, 05-19-2006 - 1:18am
Sounds like we're on the same boat :) :). Good luck to you as well :) :).