Is he keeping me a secret?
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Is he keeping me a secret?
| Sat, 12-16-2006 - 10:52am |
I'm a 26 year old woman who has recently entered a relationship with a 40 year old guy. We have been officially together (exclusively) for a month. (Talked for about a month before we met, went out on two dates...then he asked me to be exclusive.) We met through an online dating service. Things have been really good, we feel a connection with each other and enjoy being together. He works alot so we don't get to see each other as much as we'd like, but we email every day and talk on the phone a couple times a week.
Here is my problem: he hasn't told anyone he is dating. Now, a little of this makes sense--he has no friends that he really talks to and he has said that he doesn't share his personal life with his family. He's divorced (for 4 years) and he said that they didn't even know about his wife and him having problems until they were separated. But he does have two grown children (20 and 18) and he hasn't mentioned me to them either. The other night when we were talking I was asking him how his kids felt about him dating. And as we were talking I asked him if anyone had met his kids. He told me about a long-distance relationship he had and she had come to visit him several times and she met them. Now, I don't know how long he was with her or how long before she met them, but hearing that bothered me.
Should I care that he hasn't told his kids about me yet? How long is acceptable to wait for him to mention me?
Here is my problem: he hasn't told anyone he is dating. Now, a little of this makes sense--he has no friends that he really talks to and he has said that he doesn't share his personal life with his family. He's divorced (for 4 years) and he said that they didn't even know about his wife and him having problems until they were separated. But he does have two grown children (20 and 18) and he hasn't mentioned me to them either. The other night when we were talking I was asking him how his kids felt about him dating. And as we were talking I asked him if anyone had met his kids. He told me about a long-distance relationship he had and she had come to visit him several times and she met them. Now, I don't know how long he was with her or how long before she met them, but hearing that bothered me.
Should I care that he hasn't told his kids about me yet? How long is acceptable to wait for him to mention me?

I certainly wouldn't worry about your BF not telling people about you yet.
Usually when a relationship gets exclusive is when a man with children (grown or not) would let the family know about a woman. So I can understand your concern. However, it usually takes more than a couple of dates before the "exclusive dating" discussion usually happens, like maybe after dating each week for about 2 to 3 months. It seems like he is moving fast on one end but not the other. Mixed messages.
Do you find that emailing everyday brings you the closeness you want instead of talking everyday and emailing a couple of times a week?
It is good that you reference the past a little with him to find out what his behavior has always been in this area. It may take him a long time to introduce you in thought only to his family. It is usually a bad idea to introduce kids to dating partners unless one knows that it will be long term to avoid the revolving door in their lives. He may just be overprotecting them.
I think that as time goes on you'll see movement in that area without you having to do anything about it. Have fun!