He keeps telling me to relax

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
He keeps telling me to relax
2
Tue, 05-01-2007 - 5:25pm

I think I am on here more to vent, again. I am over the whole crying every day and have moved on to anger. I will not rehash everything, but I was friends with a guy for about 2 years, just friends, but he pursued more for about a year of that. I was not interested. About 3 months ago, something changed, and we began seeing each other. The majority of that seemed good, but over the last 2 weeks things have changed. I began feeling like I was merely there for his sexual needs than anything else. It seemed a though the conversations all began to revolve around him and if I mentioned anything about me, he changed the subject back to him. I have never known him to do this before. I cannot recall him asking me how my day was, or how I was doing (again so unlike him). It seemed that we only made plans when I asked if we were doing something. We celebrated my birthday early b/c he had plans on my birthday -- but he never even called me on the day. His plans ended at 9:30 and he said he would try to meet up with me that evening -- but he claims to have gone home and gone to bed. Never called, never told me he was going home, just nothing. I got nothing. Not even a text.

Then, I discovered that he had a profile on-line (we never had the exclusive conversation so technically, not a problem), but it still bothered me. I did ask him about it. He gave me some answer that made sense, but something in my gut said, don't believe him. I would rather he just said we are not exclusive, so I can do it. But, it was more along the lines of oh, I forgot it was up, I didn't know about it, etc. I kow that that isn't true b/c it shows how long you have been on and he was on within the last 24 hours and posted it within the past 2 weeks. I never said I didn't believe him, but I did say I felt a disconnect recently, and he freaked out about how he cannot be with somebody who he doesn't trust and he hung up on me I never said anything about trust. Why is that something he brought up? Now I DON'T trust him after that.

I finally sent him an email laying everything out there, telling him how I felt , and that I need to know if we are working towards something. I don't need to be exclusive at this point, but I do need to know that we are heading in that direction. He said that he didn't have time to respond to my email, but would do so the following day. The next morning, he emailed me asking if we could sit down that evening instead. I said yes. Later that day, he said that he wasn't feeling well and I told him the ball was in his court and he said, OK. We never met up.

I have had little to no contact with him since then. The only thing I get is a "you need to relax" text message from him. Relax? hmmmm, let me see, I feel like one of my very good friends has lied to me, led me on, and simply discarded me without so much as a conversation. At first thought, I want to salvage at least the friendship and sit down, and lay everything out on the table -- I just don't think I can be friends with somebody without doing this. I told him a little of that, and I got, "relax."

I spent all last week crying, bursting into tears. For what? I have no idea. Now, I am just mad for allowing myself to be taken by him -- because that is exactly how I feel. Taken!

I am moving on, and feel differently about him already......but, I cannot help shake this anger right now. If he were just some some I met off the street, I would be ok...I would feel ok, well, he is a jerk. But, I know this guy, or so I thought. I keep looking back to the last 2 years, thinking, what on earth did I miss?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2006
Tue, 05-01-2007 - 10:54pm

This is a common scenario when people date guys they have been friends with for a while. Another side of them comes out and now you get to see him for all that he is - not so great if you ask me.

"At first thought, I want to salvage at least the friendship and sit down, and lay everything out on the table -- I just don't think I can be friends with somebody without doing this. I told him a little of that, and I got, "relax." " - I don't see why you would want to salvage this friendship because he is not treating you as a valued friend.

"relax" - so vague, so...nothing. You feel taken - absolutely. You can vent and be angry all you want, but now you have to (while angry and venting) determine your course of action and you might want to do it without him. You want him to be honest with you. He is refusing to be honest with you. Now what do you do? You cannot force him to be honest with you and honesty is a basis for a trusted friend. Since he is not treating you like a trusted friend, and is not respecting your need for honesty, then why do you want to be friends with him? I would just say, "see ya".

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2005
Wed, 05-02-2007 - 8:27pm

Don't beat yourself up over this. Honestly it's not worth it.


But here's the thing. If the guy were truly interested in you I believe he would have responded much differently. I believe he would have wanted to talk about it knowing you were in such turmoil. Him just brushing you off says a lot.


At this point, worry about yourself and your feelings. He's not worth it. I know he's been a friend for awhile but he's not even proving himself to be that anymore.


Sorry...