He lacks motivation,should we break up?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-10-2004
He lacks motivation,should we break up?
3
Fri, 08-12-2005 - 1:42am

Dear Dating Doyenne:
Hello! I have a problem and needs some help. I have been dating my boyfriend David for a year and 2 months. The relationship has been good so far and we have even talked about marriage. The only problem is that our finances aren't good. I will be graduating from college in May 2006 to be an elementary teacher and because I have been in school full time, I only work part time. My boyfriend works making frames and does not go to school. He just makes $10/hr. Once he graduated H.S, he never went to college. Before we ever started dating I had asked him what he planned to do in the future. He had said that he would like to go back to school so that he could have a career. I stood by that and gave him the benefit of the doubt. Just a few months ago, I asked him what he planned to do about school. He said that he wanted to work as a heating, cooling and refrigeration tech. We had gone to Coyne American Institute in Chicago, but he did not pass the entrance exam the 2 times that we tried. Now he says that he wants to go to Lincoln Tech in Melrose Park, IL to be a mechanic. Well, just this past Sunday we got into an argument because I am tired of arguing with him when he gets his “hissy fits” because he is so impatient. I ended up breaking up with him. He wants to get back together, but I am very hesitant. I love him with all my heart, but love don't pay the rent. I think that the major part of why I broke up with him is because I am tired of forcing and bothering him about the whole school thing and just used his bad temper as an excuse. I hate the fact that I sound like a broken record. I know that he has issues with going to school and all but I think that he really needs to face his fears. I feel that I have been trying for years to accomplish my goals to live a better life in the future. I always dreamed about living a certain life style and that is why I do what I do. Am I wrong for breaking up with him for that reason? I mean, he has no motivation what so ever to go to school. I feel like I should not have to force him to get an education. I always tell him that I refuse to marry someone who doesn't use their full potential, I refuse to be someone and be with someone that just watches life pass them by. You create your own destiny. You only live life once. You should make the most out of it. Am I wrong for wanting a better life for me and my future children? I have run out of ways to try and motivate him. I think that he has low self-esteem and that he doesn't think that he can make it in school. Please help me. I love him so much, but if I can't make a life with him, I rather leave now than later. I have his best interest at heart. Am I being selfish? Please help, I don't want to do the wrong thing. Thank you and I hope to hear from you soon.

Sincerely,
Jessie

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2003
Fri, 08-12-2005 - 1:53pm

You either accept the fact that this man earns $10/hour as a picture framer or you choose to move on. He is probably happy doing what he is doing with his life, if he didn't like it he would be doing something else.

Not everyone is cut out to be a neurosurgeon.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2002
Fri, 08-12-2005 - 2:03pm

One thing I think you should remember is that not everyone is cut out for college. That is a wonderful choice you made for yourself, but your b/f may prefer to be in a job that allows him to work with his hands and do more manual labor. There is nothing at all wrong with that decision as long as it is right for him. You can't force him to want to become Mr. Joe College if that isn't what he feels comfortable with. I don't mean this as a put down at all, but if he didn't pass the entrance exam to a technical school, he may have a learning disability or something else that keeps him from performing well in school and so he really just doesn't want to pursue that.

If you want a college educated man that is going to have a corporate type job, then this guy might not be the one for you. You have to decide if his desire to be a blue collar worker rather than a white collar one is a deal-breaker for your relationship. It doesn't make you a bad person if you decide it is. It is just your preference. As for me, I have a graduate degree so I prefer guys that I date to have at least some kind of a degree. I don't think it is shallow to feel this way but it is what I prefer for myself. If you can move past the fact that he may be a mechanic (which depending on what type of mechaninc he is, he could still be paid very well) or some other blue collar job, then great. He is the only one that can get himself motivated to get out there and go to technical school or whatever he decides. Maybe the fear of losing you for good will incent him to do something. But if you dream for a life filled with big houses, swimming pools and nice cars, there is a good chance this guy won't be able to provide that for you. If he does get a good job as a mechanic or doing something he enjoys, he can probably provide a comfortable life for you and your children, however.

Good luck - only you can decide which way you should go.

131.gif image by y_baros th5K.gif image by jade_simo

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2003
Fri, 08-12-2005 - 2:56pm
You are very practical - love does not pay the rent. And he clearly does lack motivation (self esteem) and that is not your fault or problem as you realize.

,