He left for another woman

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-24-2006
He left for another woman
14
Wed, 10-25-2006 - 12:14am

We've been together for more than a year, long distance. We had been having issues since our last trip together, due to my busier schedule with my new job and him acting like he wanted space and then blaming me for not being attentive enough. Hot and cold behaviour, nothing sweet I did was ever good, seemed like everything I did made him angry.

He then left for a 3 week tour, and called me from there saying that we should break up since his feelings have changed. He wanted to be remain friends but I preferred not to pick up his calls, and after about a week he started throwing tantrums for my 'neutral behaviour' and started begging to be back.

We got back together a week ago, he was acting normal again but then went three days over the weekend not calling and finally told me that he had met somebody else on his trip, and had kissed her tht weekend. Now he is calling to "check on me" even when I told him not to, but seems to always be giving me details about how special this other woman is, how attractive he found her.

It is comforting for him to be checking on me but I don't understand why he feels it necessary to be giving me details of this other woman. Also, why did he want to be back after he suggested the break up himself and then rushed into her arms the minute we got back together? Should I even be talking to him anymore? He kept up a friendship with his ex which bordered on more than friendly sometimes while he was with me, although he says that it was only emotional and not physical.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2003
Wed, 10-25-2006 - 8:58am

This man has issues. I suggest not letting his issues be your issues. This man enjoys playing mindgames, by telling you what a wonderful person his new woman is. He also enjoys a level of control because "checking up" on you.

Time for call block and email block. Let this man free to check up and manipulate the new lady in his life.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-24-2006
Wed, 10-25-2006 - 10:13am

yes the 'power issue'. he loves the control, judging by how he freaked out when i started ignoring him after the break up speech. he called 10 times in a row once to say that 'he had closed the book on me', after i had ignored him, almost like his ego was spurned and he had to deal the blow.

i find it nice that he calls still though, almost like he will eventually realize what we had when we talk instead of him forgetting about me and having her there solely to persuade him that she's the one. i know i'm hurting myself, yet i still love him and find it hard to let go... feel like it's my fault, that he found somebody better.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2003
Wed, 10-25-2006 - 10:19am
It's not your fault and the OW is not necessarily better. A man who calls 10 times in a row after breaking up with you has deep deep issues. Time to stay away permanently.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-25-2004
Wed, 10-25-2006 - 9:48pm
Yes I agree with the other poster - this sounds very bad indeed. I had an ex who was constantly pulling this kind of stuff on me and then when he called the whole thing off he was STILL trying. Best thing I ever did in my romantic history( and I mean this) was to say to him on the phone after he saw me on a date and decided to push me around verbally
" I dont need this kind of treatment from you as a friend or otherewise. You arent making the cut as anything to me with this behavior. Dont call me again"
And I have ignored him ever since. It took all summer to make it stick ( he called a few times and emailed and I refuse to answer...) but now it is done and I am so much more stable without this person in my life. I even still have to see him because he has a kid in my son's school but I dont make eye contact with him. Whoever said we al have to be friends with our exes is nuts. Sometimes we can and sometimes we shouldnt even consider it.
Let him move on and you do the same.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-24-2006
Thu, 10-26-2006 - 12:38am
Doesn't the fact that he still calls now that we broke up and in the past mean that he's just confused though? That maybe he'll come to reason later? I still cannot swallow the fact that the person who flew miles over to see me every so often just left for somebody he's only seen twice...Help...I know this is so masochistic. Should have left when I found out a few months ago that the ex-gf was still 'there' since he wasn't clear with her, and left when he broke up, but am finding it so hard to let go and move on. We'd planned on so much...
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2005
Thu, 10-26-2006 - 7:01am

I think this is just the way he operates... Ex-gf was there, so were you, then he chose you. Now there's someone new, you're still there and he just chose her.


Take it from experience, if he wanted to be with you, he would be. The fact that he's still around (and that you're allowing him to stick around) means that he's getting the best of all worlds, having his cake and eating it too!


Leave before this experience tears you down completely. You have to believe you deserve more in order to get more.


Hope this helps.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2003
Sun, 10-29-2006 - 7:16am
At this point he's just being abusive and there is no reason to leave yourself open to it. His ego seems to really need to get a reaction from you, but don't feed into it by giving it to him.
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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-24-2006
Sun, 10-29-2006 - 12:14pm

Thank you, Ladies.

He has been calling me off the hook the past few days, at weird hours of the night/morning saying that he only wants to check on me and says that he thought I 'appreciated' him checking on me (I said that the day after he told me about her when he called, the only time I picked the phone). Seems like our situation is always on his mind, he can't sleep thinking of it. Strange that his energies are still focused on us.

I finally wrote to him last night - since I cannot bear to hear his voice - saying that I did not want to speak to him anymore. Maybe one day, but not now. The hard part is that it made me feel good to know that I was still on his mind, almost like it was a sort of revenge to torture him by not picking up the non stop phone calls.

Am trying to feel better by doing all the things I like, focusing on my work and friends...Yet, I find it hard to stop thinking about what that woman has that I don't and wonder whether I'll ever really meet somebody worth it ever. Is this normal?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2005
Sun, 10-29-2006 - 12:56pm

What you're going through is totally normal, but leave me give you a dose of reality.


What does she have that you don't? She has a guy who is completely confused, jumps from female to female and is not all that honest.


What do you have that she doesn't? Freedom. You are no longer bound to a man who is going to play with your heart. You are no longer accepting less than what you deserve. You have stood up for yourself and for your life.


This guy is not a catch hon. He's a confused boy who doesn't know what he wants and isn't even honest enough to admit it!


Time heals all wounds, truly. In a few months time, I think you'll see him a bit differently. For now, treat yourself kindly. Go for a spa treatment, lay in bed and read a book while eating ice cream. Get a manicure/pedicure. Go out with your girlfriends. Find yourself again and realize what a catch you are!


And of course, continue to post if you need our help. :o)

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-24-2006
Sun, 10-29-2006 - 2:37pm
Thank you!

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