He lies about smoking
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He lies about smoking
| Tue, 07-20-2004 - 1:10pm |
OK so this is the story: 3 months ago I got married, we we're together for 3 years, and he promised that he would stop smoking for me the day of our wedding (I know I was a fool!).
I had a very hard time accepting his smoking. I lost my father due to cancer years ago and I have told him how much it hurts me when he smokes, I'm afraid I'll end up suffering with the disease all over again, and I honestly can't handle that. Recently I found out that he’s been smoking behind my back and lying to me all this time saying that he had quit. He used to go out once a week with his guy friends and now he wants to be out more often 3, 4 times a week and I suspect that the reason is to get out and smoke because is craving it.
I feel betrayed, extremely upset and most of all I feel hurt. I believe it’s very inconsiderate of him since my father had cancer in the past and he knows how much it hurts me. We have not spoken in 3 days and I have no idea what to do.
He's has lied to me about smoking a couple of times but I always manage to find the truth. I don't believe his promises anymore and he'll probably lie again and do behind my back. What should I do? Will I be able to trust him again? I don't want to have kids and raise them in a smoking environment.
I need help! Also I feel very upset with him going out 3, 4 times a week with his friends, none of his married friends go, just the single ones. They play cards, drink beer, play golf, go fishing. How often is ok for him to be out with friends? I’m feeling very lonely but I don’t think is right for me to say NO you’re not allowed to go out! What should I do?
I had a very hard time accepting his smoking. I lost my father due to cancer years ago and I have told him how much it hurts me when he smokes, I'm afraid I'll end up suffering with the disease all over again, and I honestly can't handle that. Recently I found out that he’s been smoking behind my back and lying to me all this time saying that he had quit. He used to go out once a week with his guy friends and now he wants to be out more often 3, 4 times a week and I suspect that the reason is to get out and smoke because is craving it.
I feel betrayed, extremely upset and most of all I feel hurt. I believe it’s very inconsiderate of him since my father had cancer in the past and he knows how much it hurts me. We have not spoken in 3 days and I have no idea what to do.
He's has lied to me about smoking a couple of times but I always manage to find the truth. I don't believe his promises anymore and he'll probably lie again and do behind my back. What should I do? Will I be able to trust him again? I don't want to have kids and raise them in a smoking environment.
I need help! Also I feel very upset with him going out 3, 4 times a week with his friends, none of his married friends go, just the single ones. They play cards, drink beer, play golf, go fishing. How often is ok for him to be out with friends? I’m feeling very lonely but I don’t think is right for me to say NO you’re not allowed to go out! What should I do?

MB
What should you do? Marriage counselling. Sounds like he's rebelling (possibly because you're putting so much pressure on him to do something he can't do right now - give up smoking) and you're putting pressure on him because he's rebelling. You'll get nowhere till you can both learn to communicate and compromise.
Go to counselling together. This is not just about smoking. It's about respect for each other.
Eve
And i believe you are coming out wrong at him. Quiting smoking is a good thing for everyone, but, judging by the way you speak,you make it seem it's all about you. This may come out a bit selfish.
Yes! it is a bit unthoughtful of him to keep smoking knowing that your father died of it. But,it is also a bit insensitive of you to pressure him quit because your father died of smoking and you do not want your kids to grow up in a smoking environment.
These are both valid reasons,don't get me wrong. Keep in mind that the first reason you should give him is that you want him to quit FOR HIM and HIS health. Not because it hurts you reminding you of your father and not for your future kids who are not born yet.
I am sure you love him. Show it to him. Probably when you put it the way you do,he thinks you wanting him to quit is a bit selfish and he does not understand that you do it out of care.
It seems you are preassuring him,this is why he rebels. If you are harsh to him you are doing the wrong thing and probably you won't get your way.
Expecting a guy to suddenly quit smoking after your wedding day and being sore because he didn't is very unrealistic.
Try being understanding and loving and aproaching him with care instead of demand.
Explain to him how much you dread loosing an other person you love from cancer.