he Loves me? Why can't i accept it?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-14-2004
he Loves me? Why can't i accept it?
6
Wed, 02-21-2007 - 6:11pm

Live, Love and be loved ( i have got living down - now love and be loved needs help)!

I have this great guy in my life....now. I went through a divorce (w/cheating husband)
and am over it....forgiven x-husband ...moving on ....starting life over happier with new friends new apartment....it's been a two year process...I'm doing well....I'm happy... started to think about sharing my life again, with another person as in...future soulmate out there....ya know?

just fine and WHAM:

We meet. (he and I collide) just like that song by matchbox 20. (I'm in my late 30's) but if you know that song, it describes what has happened is happening in my life with this person...

This new amazing person, of about three months has decided in his mind that "I am the one" - that all his life he's been searching for me. The way I laugh, love and care about my friends unselfishly, the way i make up things when I don't know what i'm talking about...the way my soul still has a childlike innocence.... the way we both love to collect seashells together....but i'm pushing him away. he wants to be my best friend, and i'm scared of falling for a man... even Mr. "doing everything right".

he wants me to be his best friend. wow. this is too good to be true - "I think". but everyday. I wake up and it's still true? and than I make up things about him so maybe it's not true, but no... I'm wrong.... it's true - he still adores and loves me. How can he be so sure? why is he so sure?

he's very about jumping into him-me "we" thing he makes remarks like I moved accross the country - so you'd date me. and I'm glad i did, because I'm deeply in love with who you are, so when you push me away, or don't want to hang out it's hurtful.He's scared he's given me his heart. I love his heart. Who he is. I'm just not sure if I trust (my heart) I did fall in love once before (remember) GOT married, had a happy life then record scratch " I discoved" my x's "who will know?- one night stands". ....so I'm confused.

am I being a "smart" woman:
as in "time will tell mister it's going to take a while before i can reciprocate... and trust that you won't break my heart ....will take me some time"

my close guy friends think:
i'm hurting someone who's putting his heart into my hands.that when a man does that and it is not reciprocated - he's going to shut down ....

and a heart to heart with my new guy this is confiormed (he's shutting down - because I'm hurting him, by not being ok with being vulnerable .....(didn't want to cause hurt)

any thoughts or ideas - ivilage folks are so wonderful just thought i'd see...if someone knew why "every girls" man of their dreams is at my door...he "get's me" as in "You had me at hello" - and i feel numb & scared inside that if I let my wall down - I have no safty net. all any of us want to do is live,love and be loved.....right? why am i so scared to - why do i get closterphobic when he picks up the phone and calls to say I miss u or hows your day? or want to come over for dinner tonight? want to go catch the sunset and lookfor seashells? - HE is exactly what I've always dreamed of (indeed that soulmate) any of us dream of...but I'm stuck...I'm stuck in "just take care of me" mode - now i'm being asked to take care of someone's heart with which they have given me - and instead of embracing it - i'm holding it, away from me. so everything stays at comfortable level. a level of some indifference. I'm hurting this person and that is NOT what i want to do, I'm just not sure what to do.....any thoughts anyone feel like this before - ?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 02-21-2007 - 7:47pm

My belief system is that every relationship is unique and shall not be compared to or judged against our past relationships or relationships between other people. You are a unique woman. There is no other woman just like you anywhere in the world. He is a unique man and the same thing applies to him. Therefore, your relationship will be unique with both of you creating and building something special and unique to you that is equality-based and mutually-beneficial. With this in mind, who cares about labels, status marks or milestones. There is no predetermined road-map that you must follow because you are in an unique relationship that will never be repeated.

Creating and building this relationship starts with 2 key things - Self-Responsibility and Open & Honest Communication. This is how we move forward and enjoy the shared experiences. However there is also a must have personal piece to this - personal freedom.

You have forgiven your ex-husband, but I question you - have you forgiven yourself? To me forgiveness offers freedom and since personal freedom is a must have piece this becomes essential for you and your relationships. If you haven't forgiven yourself, then I really encourage to do this immediately. You have tremendous opportunity ahead of you but you will never get there without this personal freedom.

One of the biggest risks for men is to be vulnerable. We let you in and trust that you will keep our honest emotions and thoughts safe. We also want the receive this from you in a positive and proactive way. Sharing of this vulnerability grants the closeness that is a part of a real loving relationship and experience.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2005
Wed, 02-21-2007 - 10:38pm

I have been through this before and unfortunately what it came down to was that I was just not ready to be dating again. And when you're not ready, you have to let the person go no matter how great he/she is. Until you get in a space to love and accept love, I believe you'll still have this problem.


Have you considered counseling? Have you truly worked through all the issues of your past relationship? And do you think you can learn to open up on your own?


Some soul searching will give you the real answers you need.


But honestly, I think it's a matter of spending some time on your own to learn how to trust again and to learn how to be vulnerable. Not that all the work will be done on your own, but the majority has to be.


Hope this helps...

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-14-2004
Thu, 02-22-2007 - 1:12am

Hey you beautiful souls that responded. Both means the world to me (Thank You ) your caring makes me believe in the better good of our specicies. I mean that heartfelt.

(There is no other woman just like you anywhere in the world.) made me cry. maybe because I want to belive it but for some crazy messed up reason I can't. i think this is coming from my: I wasn't enough with my x. I'm not enough. he asured me that it wasn't me, itwas never me - as to why he was unfaithful - it was him - I just i have forgiven him..(
he didn't want me to leave him - but after counseling - i needed too -
but me, (agian) how do forgive myself? ..obviously somthing? but i wonder what that is - ya know. should i forgive myself for not being enough? crap.

I do need to get into counseling, cl-bklynchik - the thing is how do i rally, pull it together and save something I've wanted my entire life? - it's looking like i can't.

and that is truly a travesty.

can i share for one moment our brief history: how we came together? me and the new boy whom i'm hurting?

13 year ago I was on my second date with the now said x husband:
a man came up to me...( I thought jeez once now that i have a boyfriend I meet this amazing man...) I blow him off - but our brief convrersation -feels deep.

I looked into my eyes and he said, oh, you have a boyfriend...I see..well i won't take up much of your time, but i do want to convey that you are a special beautiful girl ...and if you WERE MY GIRLFRIEND you'd be the only person i'd be talking to
...not like that joker talking to all those girls over there. (cut x and I date get married and happy) recored scratch happens - I leave, re-build and Wham: Mr, charming i met 15 years ealier walks up to me "KNOWS MY NAME" ...i don't quite remember him...and say's Christie I met you 15 years ago: you had a boyfriend, how are you...I'm like how do you remember my name, we braely met? well I did. he say's - cause something about you made an impression on me. I told him i married the guy, and then recently divorced hiim, he said he was sorry my heart was broken, but that he knew as he knows even more now - that i'm specoial to him - that he never forgot me - and that he knew 15 years ago as he knows now - that i'm the one person that he has always wanted and been searcbhing for:

i worded that not well...but i don't want to loose this amazing man who is deep, amazing, and never forgot me, and loves me..

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-26-2006
Thu, 02-22-2007 - 2:14am
I advise that maybe you ask him to just take it a bit slower or tone down a bit. He does sound amazing, but this is only 3 months. But, as other posters have said, he is not your ex. I have been cheated on as well, but through that experience I have been taken down a different path and have found other loves much greater than anything I ever imagined. I read a quote once...basically it said to look down at your crossroads and make your decision as if you had made it wrongly before. Basically what have you got to lose? You can either regret not going with it and seeing where it leads or go with it and who knows it could take you to some wonderful places. Good Luck and blessed be!
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-14-2004
Thu, 02-22-2007 - 2:39am
you said it! my mom even said - you love my daughter? you need to respect and understand she needs her space - gosh that was really perceptive of you. going to bed but will be back to talk. I hope i can reciprocate ( paying -it-forwad )if you've never seen that movie watch it, it applies to you guys.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-23-2006
Thu, 02-22-2007 - 7:25am

amazing. i read ur posting and as if my ex has wrote it...im living thru something ur man is going thru... and since my ex wasn't able to explain clearly why after painful story and break up he is not ready to give me it all, no matter "how wonderful and perfect for him" i am; but ur posting does it. so thank you

i hope the time and space you take will help you to realise what you really need. and i hope you will not lose this man. if he makes u happy, if he might be the one...

i personally refused to try friendship while he is not ready. but again, maybe if he would explain me better and give me reassurance that it will be ok and its worth waiting, i might have hung in there... but its very painful..