He needs to "adapt".

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-05-2005
He needs to "adapt".
3
Thu, 03-16-2006 - 12:16am

A bit of background, and then the question. I've been dating my boyfriend for about 6 months. I'm 28 years old and would consider this my first particularly serious relationship; he's 36 and hasn't been in a serious long-term (i.e. 6+ month) relationship in about 8 years or so. You got it, he's the consummate bachelor!

As a result, he's become extremely used to having his own space and doing his own thing, and is finding it difficult to get used to having someone in his life again (though he has left me with no doubt that he's very happy I'm in his life). We see each other for dinner once during the week, and spend Friday and Saturday nights together, and up until recently have been spending Sunday nights together as well. However, he's just recently said that it's too much, he needs more space and therefore wants to take Sundays off as well. As he puts it, he's still "adapting" to having me in his life, and asks that I be patient while that happens.

We are very compatible in almost every other way (physically, beliefs and values, most life goals, etc), except the amount of time we want to spend together. For me, going from 4 nights to 3 (without phone calls in between, just an occasional email once in awhile) almost feels like we're taking somewhat of a step backwards. I'm not looking for a proposal or even to move in with the guy. At this point in my life, I definitely need my own space as well, especially since I work from home, and I think we still have a long road ahead of us to get to know each other before we make any major living arrangement changes.

So, the question: How long is reasonable to be patient while he 'adapts'? I guess I just need a reality check. I don't want to spend every night with him, but part of me is a little fearful that he's too used to his bachelorhood to ever accommodate me in his life as a partner. I did tell him that I know my needs are not going to change, and that if down the road he doesn't feel any differently, we're going to have to talk about it. But I could use an objective third party's view to either confirm that my fears are reasonable or electronically smack me upside the head if I'm being a doofus. ;)

Your thoughts are appreciated!

bcbeamer

Edited 3/16/2006 1:21 am ET by bcbeamer




Edited 3/16/2006 1:23 am ET by bcbeamer
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 03-16-2006 - 10:09am

I think he's being entirely reasonable...spending 3 nights in a row together would be too much for me, too.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-12-2005
Thu, 03-16-2006 - 11:35am

Everyone has their own level of comfort for 'together-time,' but I think it's reasonable for him to want to cut back a bit, and responsible of him to do that too.

Myspace Codes

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-05-2005
Fri, 03-17-2006 - 3:09pm

Thanks for the feedback! I'm definitely going to give it a couple of months and during that period am going to do my best to not make a big deal about the amount of time we're spending together. I have a very active life aside from him, which I think he doesn't quite understand! I'm most certainly not sitting at home, pining for him! I have great friends, I have a business to run... so there's always something to do.

I guess I'm just having problems with my BF referring to things still being like this a year down the road. Not going to happen - there's 'adapting', and then there's just plain incompatibility, which (as much as I hate to think about it), may be something that we're unable to get over.

But for now, I'm just going to be positive and focus on enjoying the relationship for whatever it is! He's *WAY* too good a catch to give up on! :)

bcbeamer




Edited 3/17/2006 4:15 pm ET by bcbeamer