is he over her?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2007
is he over her?
4
Mon, 03-26-2007 - 8:41am

My boyfriend and I have been together for over 3 months now, and it's been a rocky road for our relationship as I have depression and have gone through some rough patches in the past 3 months. He has been very empathetic and understanding through this time, but needless to say I feel as if I have disclosed too much to him about my past and present situation. Things couldn't be better right now for me...I am finally out of the dungeon of despair, and our relationship is as prosperous as ever right now.
Am I being neurotic by thinking that he doesn't deserve to be with someone who has had so many difficult times that have taxed our relationship?

Another thing: he has a very close girl friend whom he was in love with all this past summer. He has told me repeatedly that he no longer has feelings for her and that things would never work out between them. I have met the girl, and in fact, she's really cool. She even looks like me a bit. I am torn because every time we hang out with this girl, whenever my bf looks at her I get so instantly jealous. Am I wrong to not completely trust my boyfriend in this? I feel I know him very well, so when he looks at her or interacts with her in a flirting sort of manner, I can't help but feel insanely jealous and unwanted.

Maybe I am still insecure but I can't help but feel this way about he and this girl.
What should I do, keep smiling and pretend that things are okay? I mean, he knows that I have a problem with hanging out with her, and we've talked about it too. Help!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2005
In reply to: katya2009
Tue, 03-27-2007 - 7:11am

You can help the way you feel and react. So I would first get out of the habit of saying "I can't help how I feel." You can, it's a choice.


You said you talked about the girl to him. What is his take on it?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-06-2006
In reply to: katya2009
Tue, 03-27-2007 - 6:29pm
Hey there! First of all, congrats on taking the steps to beat depression. That's a huge step in self-awareness and you should be proud of yourself. Admitting it to someone you care about is even harder to do, especially someone you've only been with for 3 months, so give yourself some props there too. I think you have a really good guy here: you may have told him too much for such a short acquaintaince, but did he leave you? NO! he stuck by you thru the tough times when he could easily have walked away. Additionally, I think you should believe him when he says he has no feelings for this girl anymore b/c honestly he would have left you already. Guys don't want drama, esp. at the beginning of a relationship unless they think its worth riding out. My boyfriend did the same thing to me very early into our relationship (about a girl he liked etc.) and it made me extremely paranoid, so i know where you are coming from. Guys don't see it the same way as we do - they are trying to be up front and honest and we always think that they would rather be w/ that other person. My suggestion to you, since he already knows that you feel uncomfortable hanging out w/ her, just grin and bear it. I think that you being present while they are hanging out is better than you sitting at home wondering if they are hooking up, right? Remember he is with you for a reason and you are worth being with! Good luck and enjoy the nice guy you've found.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2006
In reply to: katya2009
Tue, 03-27-2007 - 10:34pm

"Am I being neurotic by thinking that he doesn't deserve to be with someone who has had so many difficult times that have taxed our relationship?"

-no, you are not neurotic. You are a feeling person, but don't sell yourself short. Everyone hits hard times and we all deserve a shoulder to lean on. Just don't put him up on a pedestal over you. He needs to be on the same level with you.

As far as him hanging out with a girl he was in love with, I say that is a recipe for disaster. I am not from the school where men and women can hang much without the sex getting in the way. Even if it is flirting, or just attention that the person needs from the opposite sex, it takes away something from the love relationship. You'll see that sometimes he'll confide in her something that he should have confided in you. Most people are okay with that situation, I am not. I have seen so much pain coming from that scenario.

You say you talked to him about it. What is his position?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2003
In reply to: katya2009
Thu, 03-29-2007 - 3:29pm
It sounds like you h ave issues beyond the relationship at work here.
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