Is he over her? please help!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-15-2005
Is he over her? please help!
3
Sat, 10-15-2005 - 6:29pm
I am so lost. I have been seeing this guy for about a month or so and he just got out of a long relationship about a month before we met. He was with a girl for five years and she cheated, lied, and stole money and all his clothes. She write about him constantly saying how can he be over her and things like that. He still feels the need to let her get to him and respond to her taking stabs at him. Why does he let it get to him? Why does he still need to check her website? who cares what she says? He says he wasn't looking for anyone but he can't pass up a good thing with me. He was very hurt and has little trust but he knows this is a problem for me. Well she went to jail and called him and left him a message. He told me about it and said he wasn't going to help her but then gave $300 to her friend to help get her out.He told me that same evening and He refused to see her and says he would help anyone that was ever important to him. I know they don't talk on the phone and he hasn't responded in a long time to her but he won't stop checking up on her. He was very attached to her daughter and practically raised her alone and she wasn't his kid. He says his intentions were good and he should've told me first but he won't cut all ties to her. How do i tell him that he'll never get over her if he can't walk away? he has no contact with her daughter anymore. Is he over her and really ready for me? Can this work?
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Sun, 10-16-2005 - 8:39am
i know exactly what you are going through. i started to date a man who was in a very long relationship that had just ended a few months before him and i begin to see each other. long story short,his ex remains in the background and tells him she was seeing someone else while they were together. well. that killed him. he was so depressed over that and coulldnt let that go. well it affected us. we broke up becuase i needed him to see me and what we had and let the past go. he couldnt. i fell in love with him and the night we broke up was when we told each other we loved each other...ironic but true. i love this man but i needed him to be present in US and let go of the pain of his past. sometimes we have to say enough. i am so sad at the ending of us but i love him enough to let him go and let him figure his crap out and if we are meant to be together then we will in the future but right now we cant. we were never on the same page and to me i need to be travelling in the same direction with the man i love. life is so hard and people come together for reasons sometimes we cannot figure out at the time, but the truth is that we have to be happy and fullfilled within ourselves in order to be happy with others. i think about my now ex and i have nothing nasty to say, he is a wonderful man but he has been hurt and now is his time to fix himself. let him go and start fresh with yourself...we all deserve to be happy and no matter what you do now and say your boyfriend will still be stuck in the past with this woman untill he realizes that she was no good for him.....you cannot stay here as its way too much drama, i know, i have dealth with it myself....
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2003
Sun, 10-16-2005 - 12:08pm

He has to come to the decision to put her out of his life on his own - i.e.: not feel the need to check the website. You can't make him see what you see. But he definitely doesn't sound ready for a new relationship - he's barely out of the old one!! You don't want to be his rebound person


You 've just been seeing him a month. I recommend you end things before you become further enmeshed. You can say when (if) he does become truly ready to move on he can contact you. But at that point you might be with someone new yourself.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-20-2005
Thu, 10-20-2005 - 9:13am

Girl,

I feel for you. I am in the EXACT same situation except the guy just happens to be my first love. We came into contact with each other after 15 years. It is a very tempting situation but I just can't be with someone who's heart has been taken by someone else. He needs to move on emotionally before I would even dip my toe into those waters!