He promised to change

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-17-2003
He promised to change
4
Sat, 08-21-2004 - 3:30pm
The guy I've been seeing was for the first eight months the most amazing man I'd ever met, until he started showing signs of becoming emotionally abusive. After two months of that, I broke it off--and then spent a month crying every night because I missed him so much. I'm 30 years old and have never felt so strongly about anyone, including my ex-husband.

Well, my ex-boyfriend came back two weeks ago and said he'd screwed up, that he'd been selfish and stubborn and treated me badly. He said he wanted to change and he wanted me back, and that he'd do anything to make it work with me. I agreed to see him, and for about 10 days, he really seemed to be making an effort. We even started reading a self-help book for couples, and he set aside time to talk about our ssues. His conviction to work on these problems instilled such hope in me.

Now, though, two weeks after he begged me to take him back, I see him sliding back into his old ways. I'm starting to notice that although he told me two weeks ago that he'd treated me badly, he refuses to acknowledge it now. I understand that his issues won't disappear overnight, but he doesn't even seem to be willing to work on them (I've been in therapy for three months to work on my own problems). He's agreed to go to counseling with me, but given his past behavior I'm concerned that he won't take it seriously.

I love this man, and after going through a year of marriage counseling with my ex-husband, I don't believe that emotional problems are a big enough reason to leave someone (everyone has issues, and no one is perfect). The thing is, if he continues to deny that he even HAS problems, I don't see it working at all.

So what I'm struggling with right now is whether to go ahead and try to track down a therapist, which could take up to six weeks. Do you think it's worth it?

Angie

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 08-21-2004 - 4:45pm
Well, there is a big difference between normal every day personality shortcomings and an abusive personality. If what you mean by emotional abuse is verbal attacks, put downs, and other threatening behavior, you're in for a very long road with no guarantee of a good result, never mind how long it takes for therapy to begin. It only took two weeks for the behavior to resurface after he told you he'd "do anything to change". If he would "do anything", why isn't he finding his own therapist and pronto? Why is that your job?

Once a man has a proven track record of abuse towards you, you shouldn't take him back until he has already taken responsibility for his recovery by taking the steps necessary for change (apologising is only one step and means nothing without specific action). You shouldn't have taken him back until he was already in therapy on his own. Personally, I wouldn't have taken him back at all, but that's me. If you really want to take this on and have any hope of success, then you'll have to tell him it's over until HE has started the process HIMSELF. Promises to change are not proof of any intention.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-17-2003
Sat, 08-21-2004 - 8:32pm
My ex-boyfriend was a sweet, generous, caring person--until we got into a fight (which I usually started). That's when I noticed the abusive behavior. As soon as an argument popped up he would become sarcastic and cruel. He'd yell, swear, tell me he didn't know why he was with me, tell me how mean and demanding I was, etc. And when I would become afraid and start to cry, he would tell me that I wasn't normal, that something was wrong with me, and then he'd REALLY lose it.

After the fight was over, he'd hold me and tell me he loved me so much and that he didn't want to fight with me. Until the next fight, he'd be his old self. In the times between fights, he never once put me down or verbally attacked me. Very confusing.

And what really confuses me is that I'm afraid I'm the one who started all of this. During my last semester of graduate school, I had a nervous breakdown. I don't remember much of the last month, but I do remember being abusive toward HIM. Which is why I went into therapy to begin with.

So I'm considering trying to find a therapist through my Employee Assistance Program, someone who could listen as an independent party to each side of the story and sort out what's going on with us. Why does all of this have to be so complicated?!

Angie

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 08-22-2004 - 1:04pm
Hon, the behavior you're describing may not fit the definition of abuse. It may be that you two do not know the rules of fair fighting, and conflict resolution. Many people yell and say things they don't mean when arguing, and that doesn't necessarily mean that they have abusive personalties. They do this out of sheer frustration and feelings of being misunderstood. What you describe, "He'd yell, swear, tell me he didn't know why he was with me, tell me how mean and demanding I was, etc." sound more like extreme frustration and perhaps inappropriate, but not abusive, responses to YOUR behavior towards him. You did say that you mostly started these fights, and that he behaved in a loving manner towards you at all other times.

Before you label him as abusive, you should educate yourself about abusers and if he doesn't fit the pattern, then it is far more likely that you can resolve your differences and have a successful relationship. Couples counseling is a very good idea, as well as continuing your private therapy since you know that your past behavior and emotional problems significantly contributed to your difficulties with him. It's important that you choose a therapist who can help you learn how to fight fair. It's not reasonable to expect that you will never argue with your partner, but if you can do it in a way so that the fight itself doesn't cause more bad feelings than the issue under contention you'll both be much happier. So yes, it's worth it to take the time and effort to choose a good counselor.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-17-2003
Sun, 08-22-2004 - 4:55pm
Thanks for your input. 8) When I began to see him behaving like this, it reminded me so much of my mother's behavior. She was abusive towards me, and I was in therapy for many years to deal with it. I bought a book on verbal abuse a few months ago, read it cover to cover, and took a good hard look at our relationship. Sadly, we both closely fit one of the profiles. That book helped me pinpoint the elements of my own abusive behavior, and with the help of my therapist I was able to never repeat it--and haven't in over three months, despite his sometimes vicious attacks. Also, according to this book (and my therapist), we are not habitual abusers but just learned some bad habits, probably directly attributable to the fact that BOTH our mothers were abusive.

So counseling would help us learn how to fight appropriately--just like you said. What frustrates me is my willingness to go out of my way to find a solution, and his inability to even admit that something is wrong with his behavior. I've told him that his feelings of anger and hurt are entirely justified, and that I genuinely want to hear what he has to say. But he can't scream at me and call me names. Which of course makes him feel criticized and makes him yell louder.

My friends and family tell me repeatedly that he's terribly immature and not worth the effort. It complicates things that I have a child as well. I don't permit my ex-boyfriend to have contact with my son at all now, and won't until I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that things have changed.

I guess I'll go ahead and find a therapist, though. Thanks again for your input!

Angie