He is pulling away...HELP!!!!
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He is pulling away...HELP!!!!
| Wed, 05-23-2007 - 9:30am |
Hey everyone! I posted on here not too long ago about how I was dating a guy who wasn't sure about how he felt about my having a child. And then I updated that he was accepting of it, and said it no longer bothered him. He said he still wanted to move slow, however, because he didn't want to get "bored" of eachother by seeing eachother too much. We agreed on a TWICE a week schedule of seeing one another. Once during the week and every Friday night. It seemed to work for us well for a couple weeks!
Since we decided on that schedule, and since he had decided that he was comfortable with my having a child, he was very attentive and loving when we were together. He had even started calling/texting a LITTLE more....and when we were together, he would ask about meeting my son...saying that he would like to, etc. and how I felt about it. I told him that he can meet him soon if he'd like. I felt at this point that we were moving toward "exclusivity"...he would always talk about "how much we have in common" and just generally seemed very interested! Me, on the other hand, I was trying to play it "cool" this whole time....I did not ONCE bring up "where the realationship is going" talk or ANYTHING...NO pressure from me at all. And I even told him on one of the nights that we had planned to see eachother, that I might have to work. I also told him that I had plans with friends the night before that, so we couldn't see eacother then, either. He asked if I was hanging out with a group of girls, or what. I told him girls and a few guys, also, just friends. I was just trying to show him that I have a life, and maybe trying to make him a LITTLE jealous, and perhaps want to move towards being exclusive. Anyway, basically I just wasn't available at the drop of a hat, and when he called or texted, sometimes I wouldn't call or text him back for a couple hours. Just busy with work and stuff.
He did ask me if I even "wanted" to see him, because he said I never told him that and that "it would be nice to hear it sometimes"...which made me feel guilty...because I am not the most forward woman in that department. I told him that of course I wanted to see him, very much. I hope this eased his mind a bit in this department. It was clear though that he wanted me to be more vocally demonstrative.
Anyway, so things were moving along nicely (by the way, we have been together almost 2 months now!) these last couple of weeks...and I definitely felt that I had the upper hand and that he liked me MORE than I liked him, so I felt comfortable.
Last week, when we saw eachother, we just hung out at his house. Thursday night we did because there was nothing else going on, so we just watched TV, talked and hung out. Friday night we did because I was hanging out with family that was in town until 10 PM, so it was really too late to do much of anything else. So we sat outside on his porch, drank some wine, and talked. I thought it was really romantic! He seemed to enjoy it too!
Anyway, after Friday night, something must have gone "wrong" in his head, or something I did on Friday night must have turned him off or something (can't think of what!) because things were WAY awkward after that. He did text message me the next morning, asking if I made him home okay the night before, and I said "yes, and I had a great time last night!" and he just wrote back "Me too." and then changed the subject. We really didn't talk much on text after that. And he never called. Which isn't really that unusual, because sometimes we will text last on sat or sunday night and then he will end up calling and making contact for the first time after that on Tuesday night.
So, last night was Tuesday night and he didn't end up calling. It was 9 PM, so I just decided to text message him, saying "whats up?" and he wrote back "just chilling, what are you up to?" and I wrote back "just relaxing at home"....basically the convo went on for a little while and I will post the rest following-
Him- "yeah, I'm doing the same boring stuff"
Me- "so how have you been the last couple days? work?"
him-works been slow, which is fine. ready for the weekend, it will be a four day weekend for me!"
me- I bet you're excited!
him- haha, I guess so, but I know it will fly by
me-You miss me? (my moment of weakness and insecurity started here!)
him- I don't know...You miss me?
me-you don't know? yeah, i miss you
him- I miss you...Friday?
me- so we're not seeing eachother this week before friday?
him- Ummm, we can. Did you have something in mind?
me- well its okay fir you dont want to..i just thought we would because we have been the last couple weeks
him- I don't know. I just kind of don't want to hang out at my house
me- well, you know there are other places we can go! :)
him- maybe YOU should call me and invite me to one of those places
me- haha you think i should call you more? would you like it?
him- well i dont think you should call me less!
me- haha well i dont like to seem too forward in the beginning so thats why i really dont call! but i will if you want me to..when do you want to hang out?
him- whenever, but when do you work this week? weekend?
me- thurs sat and sunday, so i guess that leaves tomorrow and friday
him- maybe tomorrow, but do you want to hang out for sure on friday?
me- why? yea i do, if you do
him- No...I mean ya. Anyways, I was just asking you, quit over-analyzing everything. God
me- Geez! Sorrry, I'm in a really weird mood tonight (YES, very insecure)
He didn't respond, so I wrote back
me- So I'm gonna go to bed...Tomorrow?
him- Can I see how I feel and text you or call you after work?
me- (at this point I felt like complete crap, and wanted to text back or call him IMMEDIATELY, wanting reassurance, asking questions like "feel about what?!?!?" etc. But I FORCED myself literally to play it cool) so I wrote back-
"of course! Have a good day tomorrow
him- Thanks sexy
THE END
Okay, honestly, after that conversation, I did not sleep much at ALL last night. The "Thanks sexy" line at the end was the ONLY thing/HOPE I had to hold onto! What in the world does he mean by "see how he feels" about seeing me tonight?? It makes me really nervous! I dont want to see too needy or forward, and I think I've done a pretty good job of it up till this point, but now I am feeling VERY insecure. Any advice??? If we do end up seeing eachother tonight, how should I act/behave? I know I will still feel insecure and desire validation and probably even bring up our relationship status and question him.
AND if he DOESN'T call or text me at all, I will definitely assume that the relationship is OVER for him!!
What changed? Did I do something wrong? Do you all think he might be just trying to play a "game" because he thought I was playing a "game" all the last couple weeks when I wasn't very "available"??
Is he NOT interested anymore, or what? I am going to go insane till he gets off work tonight! HELP please
Thanks in advance!
Since we decided on that schedule, and since he had decided that he was comfortable with my having a child, he was very attentive and loving when we were together. He had even started calling/texting a LITTLE more....and when we were together, he would ask about meeting my son...saying that he would like to, etc. and how I felt about it. I told him that he can meet him soon if he'd like. I felt at this point that we were moving toward "exclusivity"...he would always talk about "how much we have in common" and just generally seemed very interested! Me, on the other hand, I was trying to play it "cool" this whole time....I did not ONCE bring up "where the realationship is going" talk or ANYTHING...NO pressure from me at all. And I even told him on one of the nights that we had planned to see eachother, that I might have to work. I also told him that I had plans with friends the night before that, so we couldn't see eacother then, either. He asked if I was hanging out with a group of girls, or what. I told him girls and a few guys, also, just friends. I was just trying to show him that I have a life, and maybe trying to make him a LITTLE jealous, and perhaps want to move towards being exclusive. Anyway, basically I just wasn't available at the drop of a hat, and when he called or texted, sometimes I wouldn't call or text him back for a couple hours. Just busy with work and stuff.
He did ask me if I even "wanted" to see him, because he said I never told him that and that "it would be nice to hear it sometimes"...which made me feel guilty...because I am not the most forward woman in that department. I told him that of course I wanted to see him, very much. I hope this eased his mind a bit in this department. It was clear though that he wanted me to be more vocally demonstrative.
Anyway, so things were moving along nicely (by the way, we have been together almost 2 months now!) these last couple of weeks...and I definitely felt that I had the upper hand and that he liked me MORE than I liked him, so I felt comfortable.
Last week, when we saw eachother, we just hung out at his house. Thursday night we did because there was nothing else going on, so we just watched TV, talked and hung out. Friday night we did because I was hanging out with family that was in town until 10 PM, so it was really too late to do much of anything else. So we sat outside on his porch, drank some wine, and talked. I thought it was really romantic! He seemed to enjoy it too!
Anyway, after Friday night, something must have gone "wrong" in his head, or something I did on Friday night must have turned him off or something (can't think of what!) because things were WAY awkward after that. He did text message me the next morning, asking if I made him home okay the night before, and I said "yes, and I had a great time last night!" and he just wrote back "Me too." and then changed the subject. We really didn't talk much on text after that. And he never called. Which isn't really that unusual, because sometimes we will text last on sat or sunday night and then he will end up calling and making contact for the first time after that on Tuesday night.
So, last night was Tuesday night and he didn't end up calling. It was 9 PM, so I just decided to text message him, saying "whats up?" and he wrote back "just chilling, what are you up to?" and I wrote back "just relaxing at home"....basically the convo went on for a little while and I will post the rest following-
Him- "yeah, I'm doing the same boring stuff"
Me- "so how have you been the last couple days? work?"
him-works been slow, which is fine. ready for the weekend, it will be a four day weekend for me!"
me- I bet you're excited!
him- haha, I guess so, but I know it will fly by
me-You miss me? (my moment of weakness and insecurity started here!)
him- I don't know...You miss me?
me-you don't know? yeah, i miss you
him- I miss you...Friday?
me- so we're not seeing eachother this week before friday?
him- Ummm, we can. Did you have something in mind?
me- well its okay fir you dont want to..i just thought we would because we have been the last couple weeks
him- I don't know. I just kind of don't want to hang out at my house
me- well, you know there are other places we can go! :)
him- maybe YOU should call me and invite me to one of those places
me- haha you think i should call you more? would you like it?
him- well i dont think you should call me less!
me- haha well i dont like to seem too forward in the beginning so thats why i really dont call! but i will if you want me to..when do you want to hang out?
him- whenever, but when do you work this week? weekend?
me- thurs sat and sunday, so i guess that leaves tomorrow and friday
him- maybe tomorrow, but do you want to hang out for sure on friday?
me- why? yea i do, if you do
him- No...I mean ya. Anyways, I was just asking you, quit over-analyzing everything. God
me- Geez! Sorrry, I'm in a really weird mood tonight (YES, very insecure)
He didn't respond, so I wrote back
me- So I'm gonna go to bed...Tomorrow?
him- Can I see how I feel and text you or call you after work?
me- (at this point I felt like complete crap, and wanted to text back or call him IMMEDIATELY, wanting reassurance, asking questions like "feel about what?!?!?" etc. But I FORCED myself literally to play it cool) so I wrote back-
"of course! Have a good day tomorrow
him- Thanks sexy
THE END
Okay, honestly, after that conversation, I did not sleep much at ALL last night. The "Thanks sexy" line at the end was the ONLY thing/HOPE I had to hold onto! What in the world does he mean by "see how he feels" about seeing me tonight?? It makes me really nervous! I dont want to see too needy or forward, and I think I've done a pretty good job of it up till this point, but now I am feeling VERY insecure. Any advice??? If we do end up seeing eachother tonight, how should I act/behave? I know I will still feel insecure and desire validation and probably even bring up our relationship status and question him.
AND if he DOESN'T call or text me at all, I will definitely assume that the relationship is OVER for him!!
What changed? Did I do something wrong? Do you all think he might be just trying to play a "game" because he thought I was playing a "game" all the last couple weeks when I wasn't very "available"??
Is he NOT interested anymore, or what? I am going to go insane till he gets off work tonight! HELP please
Thanks in advance!

I remember this guy. He started out playing a game and he never stopped. Anyone that tells you that you are something to do when he is bored, is not going to have the type of relationship that makes you feel warm and fuzzy inside all the time knowing your love loves you. This is the type of guy that will one minute seem like he is nuts about you and then has to lower the boom on your ego to make sure that HE has the upper hand. So he gives you what you want for a while and then seems to almost yank it away, to see if you are going to get insecure. Eventually a guy like this breaks up with a girl who behaves insecure...eventhough he acted in a way that created her insecurity. This is also the type of guy that will lose interest in a confident woman too. Basically, this guy doens't maintain relationships very well. He is not looking for a partner, but a hostage. This guy feeds off negativity. If you really dig this guy you are going to have walk a very difficult tightrope in order to keep him and I'm not sure he's worth it. He purposely stayed in with you those few days to see if you got bored with him...and he betrayed that "move" here: "Him- "yeah, I'm doing the same boring stuff"
Basically he doens't know how to relate to a woman any other way except by being defensive and having unrealistic expectations of how she should behave the second she doesn't respond the way he wants her to. You, in turn, are playing a game back to make sure that he knows you have a life and opportunity to meet other guys. If both of you continue this way, you won't have a relationship. I do give him credit for expressing his need to hear you tell him you miss him and want to be with him, because we all need that.
I don't know about you, but if I am being tested constantly because of someone's insecurity I'm going to pick up on it eventually and then get disgusted with the person.
Last night, he DID end up calling me, thankfully! I went over to his house and then we went straight from there to just walk around a strip mall and walk in some of the shops and just look around a bit. We did this for about an hour or so...and we also went up to his work and he showed me his office and his cubible and everything. It was fun, I thought. After all this, it was about 9 PM, so we just went back to his place and watched some TV. I told him that I had fun, that walking around and talking and stuff was fun for me, and he looked away and said that it was "better"....So it didn't really sound like he had much fun...and I am NOT trying to overanalyze what he said here..but it honestly didn't sound like he had THAT much fun...when I had lots of fun...simple things are fun for me...just hanging out with him is fun for me....
Anyway, he said that he just didn't want to sit around his house anymore, that he wanted to do other things. I told him I agreed. I hope hes not getting bored with ME.
On the drive home last night with him, he let me drive his new car (I was nervous, but it was fun!) ...he had been wanting me to drive it a few weeks ago, but I had always been too nervous...it has lots of technical gadgets in it that I'm not used to! LOL
When we were driving, I started being vulnerable (and actually letting my TRUE personality come out! Being emotionally intimate, I guess) and talking about my insecurities...and our convo turned to the texts the night before, and he said that it seemed to be unlike me, that the messages he got from me seemed a bit insecure, which is unusual for me. I told him I was in a strange mood that night. (I'm glad that he thinks I'm normally confident-- although I'm really NOT!) He then said he thought it was weird when I asked him if he missed me- and he smiled/laughed and said that he made ME say that I missed him first. Basically, I was being very vulnerable and we started talking about when people say "i love you" first in relationships, and how high school relationships always seem to progress unnaturally fast, etc., and that we were glad we were older (23) now. Basically, I told him that I have never told a guy that "i love you" first, because I admitted that I am afraid of rejection. He goes "ohh so it all comes out now!" (my insecurities) kind of in a teasing way, and I said "yeah, I guess everyone has their own insecurites..." and he said "yeah I have about 30 or 40 of those myself" and I asked him what they were, trying to connect, as I had just shared of MYSELF, and he said "i'm not gonna tell you those!" and i asked "why not?" and he said "its too early in our relationship for that" and then we were silent for pretty much the entire rest of the ride home.
THAT bothered me. I opened up to him, and he did not want to connect himself. I felt a WALL there...and that makes me think that he doesn't want a relationship with me. Am I correct to think this? Is he keeping himself emotionally distant from me on purpose? He is not the MOST demonstrative man either (never has been, with me at least) and hardly ever tries to hold my hand or touch me physically either. I mean, he does sometimes, of course (and NOT just for sex, b/c he often does it after sex, too, and at other times unrelated to sex) He is just NOT as physically affectionate as other men I've been with before. It honestly just feels like he is HOLDING something back. Am I right to think this way, or am I just being overly- paranoid?
Because, truly, I don't really know WHAT a healthy early relationship is supposed to be like. My only TWO other serious relationships started off in whirlwinds, and both men were all over me, unnaturally so, almost to obsession. I loved all the attention, but I knew that those were unhealthy relationships.
How would I know if he is truly interested in me in a HEALTHY way? Because all I've known is obsessive love, and I want to know if his interest is really HEALTHY, or just distant (as it seems)?? I honestly am VERY interested in this guy, as he is confident and successful, sweet and smart, and all the things I like in a man (except not as OPEN as I'd like...but could this come with time??) and don't want to screw things up anymore! I want to be MYSELF without all the game playing! I feel like I can't relax! And when I DO, and try to open up emotionally, he shuts down. WTH??
I've also heard that a man falls in love with a woman almost immediately, but doesn't let her know at first. Is this true? Because, if so, he definitely does not seem to be "in love" with me at all!! How long can it take for a man to feel that way?
I just think that he is emotionally DISTANT with me in some way...but not everytime we're together I feel this way...sometimes he is very open and affectionate. other times, more rigid and distant. What is up with this?
I just don't feel that he is very interested in me, really. But then again, I am comparing HIM to my past, unhealthy relationships. How do HEALTHY men behave when interested in a woman? Can they be distant? Last week he wasn't very distant-- this week he is very distant though!
Friday night we have dinner plans (he suggested) and then I'm coming up with what we should do after that ..Any ideas?
I am going to try to be myself, no games, not fake...and hopefully we can have an honest convo..but i dont want to bring up our relationship and freak him out or anything, by asking prematurely. I just don't know how to be MYSELF, and share myself, without opening up TOO much, like I did last night (and he shut down)...HELP!
Thanks so much in advance!!
"I even think that my voice changes somewhat when I am with him!" - is this because you are nervous and your throat is tight?
"I don't feel I can TRULY be myself" - this is a huge obstacle to having a good relationship with anyone. The question is why?
The "do you miss me" and "he said "its too early in our relationship for that" - talking about his insecurities: you are asking him to open up prematurely. Everyone has their own pace and you will feel a push-back if you try to get him to open up too soon. If you just allow him to breathe in this manner, he may wish to share those things with you, but if he is stoic, then he may never express his vulnerabilities.
"I felt a WALL there" - the push-back.
Maybe because you had two other relationships where the men opened themselves up too much or too soon for your liking you are used to having very intimate conversations early on and now you are a bit unsure of the pace and the new personality in your life who, does like to play games which will complicate things further. Your questions and probing will seem unnatural to someone who likes to slowly open up to a love interest.
"I've also heard that a man falls in love with a woman almost immediately, but doesn't let her know at first. Is this true?" - I have never experienced that, but that doesn't mean that it doesn't happen. Some men do feel something right away.
"How long can it take for a man to feel that way?" - there are no time limits to love, so it varies.
"How do HEALTHY men behave when interested in a woman?" - men who are genuinely interested in a woman do pursue her, act interested in her and her activities and her interests, behave in a reliable manner (arrives when he says he will, calls when he says he will), is concerned if something is awry in her life (when she is sick or in an accident), demonstrates his love with actions in addition to words with gestures that tells her he cherishes her, and so on.