He put a dating add out

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-19-2004
He put a dating add out
1
Sat, 09-11-2004 - 9:16pm
Hi everyone. I have been writing to you about my boyfriend for a while. Just recently I found on his computer that he had put out an internet add that read," handsome althetic male seeking asian women to serve. Does not matter if you are too heavy or skinny,too old or young or too ugly for that matter. To me you are precious" I confronted him and he said that he just did it as a joke because he was online to put out an add for waitresses for a party he is throwing and he just figured he'd do that to get a response. He says it was a bit exciting and interesting but that he never meant to do anything and just wanted to see what type of people would respond. He says he loves me and that he wants to be with me only and so far he has been loyal but I don't know what to think. He says he will make it up to me and that it was a good thing that it happened because now he will be a better boyfriend. He says that it's a good thing because it was a slap on the wrist for him to not do stupid things like that even though it is harmless. I was so upset at him I walked out but then came back because I could not leave him. I got upset again and tried to leave but I just couldn't do it I just wanted to talk and for the past day or so I have talked to him nonstop about all the theories I have about his behavior. I thought it was such a silly add it could not mean anything but in my gut I know something is wrong. I asked him if he wants an open relationship and he said no, that he could never see me with anyone else and that he doesn't want to see anyone. Wouldn't he be up for an open relationship if he was into seeing other girls? He told me if he dated someone else it would be the end of us because I would get upset ( which is true) but right now I am feeling so rejected and hurt I keep on saying mean irrational things to him and then crying thinking he does not love me and I can't leave him, I love him too much. Please write back with your opinions and your words of wisdom because I can't see straight. If I want to win him back how do I do that? How do I make him love me and only want me and never do anything stupid like this ever again? Should I cut him off to see how much he loves me? Be strong so he knows I am not a pushover ( though I keep coming back to him everytime I threaten to leave so he must think I am one )? What to do? thanks for your help past and present.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 09-12-2004 - 12:09pm
This is a deal breaker. He broke trust in the relationship and you're finding out it's not as easy as just buying what he says. It's not as bad as having an affair or a one night stand, but it's what he was aiming for and that's what you have to deal with. I don't believe for a minute that it was a joke, 'to see'.

You HAVE just demonstrated that you'll take this behavior and forgive him for it. That is a bad lesson for him. I'm in the school of thought that once you do this, he'll be doing it again and worse while he's in the relationship with you. IF you dump him, chances are that he'll learn OR that he'll continue to do this to everyone he's with. A woman I work with lived with someone she thought was so wonderful, but he went to Italy with 'a friend' (his friend covered for him while he went with another woman) and when she asked his family about it, they fessed up that he had cheated on every single women he'd been with. Some learn and others don't.

You aren't married so you've made no commitment to stick by this guy 'for worse'. Just how is he going to recreate the trust? Are you going to be spying on him now? You went back to him because you love him so much...you're going to find out that your love may not be enough to repair the damage he's done. Love isn't a cure all.