Is he real?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-16-2005
Is he real?
11
Mon, 02-26-2007 - 11:03am

"this one doesnt pretend. he is REAL"...

I took this line from a thread on "gave him space.." because it hit home with me. You try to sort through the guys who only want sex, or never make it past the second date, or guys who want you as matter of convience; those who stick around but never really pay any attention to you.

But how do you keep hope if the guy you are with for at least three or four months, and longer for some, who is attentive, sweet, honest, calls just to say hello, makes plans with you, and eventually tells you first the L word? You dance in his kitchen just because, he holds your hand and hugs you in public always, you meet the kids, the mom, plans for the summer (not the "future" which keeps it more realistic)

Then, he gives you the "I'm not ready, I can't handle this, You're always on my mind, I have too much going on in my life right now, I know and appreciate the space you give me but I love you and I'm sorry I hurt you"

This happened Thursday. I'm glad to say my girlfriends rallied and I have not called or contacted him. My waves come from sad to mad. The equipment at the gym are begging me to give them a break! (Now is not the time to sit back and eat bon bons I say!)

GRRR How does one not just give up? I'm 43 next week and ended a 14yr marrriage five years ago. I don't date alot for this reason of being unsure. I Did the dating thing, but only let two men who I thought worthy of more than a third date into my life, by that I mean they seemed "REAL". Then First guy cheated on me after a year and a half. This guy says I love you, but sorry.......

How do you EVER know they are for real??????

Sigh. What's a girl to do?

PATTY

~Dare to believe in yourself~

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Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 02-26-2007 - 11:40am

I'm sorry to hear that--it's rough when that happens.

Time is the only way, and even then it's not fool-proof as you discovered. I basically take everything that's said in the first 4-6 months with a huge grain of salt--I don't think that you even really begin to see the real person until you've been dating for *at least* 3 months (and that it's the 4-6 month time frame that is when you really find out whether you're possibly compatible).

And FWIW, I do think that making plans for the summer is too much in the future when you've only known someone for a couple months. I would definitely be thinking, hmm, we don't know each other very well and yet you're thinking we're going to be together in six months? That's not very realistic. So it would be a bit of a red flag for me and I'd be thinking, yeah, we'll see. I'd also be a little wigged out by him saying I love you so soon.

Have you read "He's Scared, She's Scared" by Steven Carter? It's about commitment issues but there's a great chapter in there about behaviors to look out for early on in relationships and how to handle them. I think it should be required reading for anyone who dates.

I'm curious about the man who cheated on you--did he have cheating in his background? I'm just wondering if there is any way to protect yourself from that happening again. There may not be--I'm just thinking out loud here.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-16-2005
Mon, 02-26-2007 - 12:49pm

Hi Sheri, thanks.

I should mention that I knew my current exbf for almost five years before we went out. He courted me three years ago, but both agreed wouldn't work, still both newly divorced and he knew I wasn't into casual relationships so we never dated. So, I've known him for a long time. Same town, mutual friends. Even his friends are surprised. He began courting me again in June, asking about me to friends, etc. but I didn't accept a dinner invite until October. I wanted to go slow and be sure.

As for the ex who cheated, yes, I guess looking back, and forward, he has been/still is a player. It was only a year after my divorce and we moved pretty quick. Surprisingly we managed to maintain a friendship, once the hurt healed. I try not to be bitter. I thought I learned a lot from that experience, hence taking it a little slower with this current ex and not getting into too many relationships that didn't have potential. We broke up almost two years ago so I had time to heal and give it another go.

I suppose it's like a recipie? A little of this and that? Add something, take something out, until it is just right? So hard at this age too. Have work, kids, life,....just missing the love part.

I just thought, this time, I know him, he's a sweet, chilvarous guy and he's REAL. But I guess one never knows. And that terrifies me to ever try again.
Patty

PATTY

~Dare to believe in yourself~

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 02-26-2007 - 3:17pm

Well, you knew him, but you weren't in a relationship with him. It's apples and oranges. So I can see why you might have let your guard down sooner but you still need to be involved for quite a while even if you knew the person before you know how and whether it's going to work as a couple.

He may well be real and all those other good things, but he's just not right for you.

I'm glad you learned from the prior experience but sorry that you had to!

Anyway, I understand being terrified to try again--but what's the alternative? Being alone. So to me, it's worth the risk--although I think I'm getting close to the point where it's not, given that it's been 10 years since my last LTR ended and I've had 6-7 failed short term relationships since then (that all seem to end for different reasons), not to mention countless dates that didn't get to the point of even being short-term relationships. I'm getting tired of trying so I hear ya!

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2005
Mon, 02-26-2007 - 8:48pm

Was this guy just recently out of a relationship? How old is he? Any kids? I'm just curious because I think there's a missing piece here.


I hear where you're coming from and the only thing I could say is that good things come to those who wait. And I truly believe that. It's hard, but try to have some patience, learn from the lessons and keep going. You're doing a great job getting your mind off of it!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-16-2005
Tue, 02-27-2007 - 12:53am

Thank you. Even though we know others go through it, it's nice to hear we're not alone. I know there are worse things than a broken heart. It's the broken trust I'm trying to deal with.

I passed him twice today on the road but didn't look at him. Wasn't ready to see his face. The next time I will and directly. He will know I am moving on. We live in the same town so I'm sure we'll pass again during the week. I feel stronger tonight.

After I saw him the second time, I got an email from him about an hour later. He goes home for lunch. He replied to an email I sent him last week, pre break up. Was just an FYI email. Nothing that needed reply to and nothing he ever replied to in the past. What was that all about? I got pretty peeved. It was so generic, like he needed to do something to get my attention since I haven't contacted him since the break up. "thanks, I'll pass it to the kids" All I really want him to do at this point is leave me alone and let me get past this. I really prefer this anger mode! Beats crying.

And yes, I am sure I will try again, and again, and again until I meet someone who is still there with me when I am in a rocking chair. Until then I have three teenagers who will keep me on my toes!

Thanks again for the support, and I hope your "real one" comes along soon.

PATTY

~Dare to believe in yourself~

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-16-2005
Tue, 02-27-2007 - 1:09am

Hi Kerry,

If you can find something missing, that would help me greatly! I've searched and can't figure it out.

No he wasn't just out of a relationship. He actually didn't date much the past year, he had a shoulder injury, but he did date. When we first met five years ago, we were both going through the end of divorces. When he wanted to date three years ago, we both knew it wouldn't be good because of the recent splits, so we remained just friends until he started courting me again this summer. First date was October. He just seemed so real! I mean, I knew him, right? How could I be wrong about a guy who opens doors,PDA, calls you,says he loves you, meet his friends, co workers etc...so many women say they get none of this attention!

He is 48, I am to be 43. Both have three kids, his are older, youngest is a senior in highschool,only one left at home; my oldest is a sophmore. Go to same school. Got us to talking this summer about "teenage daughters" lol

He told me when we first started dating that I am the first he has been serious with...to the point of meeting the kids, hanging and staying over, meeting mom etc. He has been in one semi-ltr (was still less than a year) since divorce and a few short term ones. I know he had a lot of first and second dates early after the divorce. FYI, his ex is the one who filed, not him. So I know she hurt him pretty bad.

So, I'm not sure if he really is just scared or just another player. Either way, it doesn't matter anymore. I don't trust him anymore. I'm angry and hurt. I can't be with a man I can't trust, period.

I am doing all I can to take my mind off it and my friends are angels.

PATTY

~Dare to believe in yourself~

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-1999
Tue, 02-27-2007 - 8:46am

I am curious how you see he has broken your trust? HAs he lied to you? Has he deceived you? Do you beleive that because he is questioning the long term compatibility between you taht everything he said or did was untrue?

Hon, I've been in your shoes and it stinks - really stinks. But unless he flat out lied to you or cheated, he hasn't betrayed you. Betrayal is deception. It isn't deciding that something doesn't work - and that is what this is. He is deciding if this works for him - and what is best for him will also be best for you.

What is really causing your hurt is your expectations -What you hoped for and expected to happen isn't. It doesn't mean that he was anything less than honorable to you. Making him into a liar or player is unfair to both of you and it denies the good things you can take from this relationship. It keeps you from accepting reality - that yes, sometimes a good man who seems to be exactly what you are looking for can still say this isn't working for me - and it also makes him into some bad guy simply because what he wants and what you want are not the same things.

Not wanting to remain in serious long term relationship is not trust being broken. Its honesty. If you choose to see it as broken trust, then that belief will taint your future relationships. Choosign to hold onto negativity and distrust only hurts you - esp. when there are so many good things to take from the relationship - like how you wish to be treated, the qualities that you really want in a partner, the signs to look for in the future that might indicate incompatibility.

Being angry and distrustful will only result in more of the same. Finding the good lessons here and focusing on somethign better will only result in more of hte same. You can't do both. Choose which will bring you peacee and happiness in your life. (Anger and distrust never do)

Toni

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-16-2005
Tue, 02-27-2007 - 10:00am

Thank you tonitoons

I guess it's not that I don't trust him. I guess it was more trusting that anything could ever be real. Now that most of the emotions are cleared from my head, yes, he was real, our relationship was real. It just didn't have the expected outcome as you say.

I have to say, it was the sweetest breakup I ever experienced. YES he was honest and loving. To say he can't deal right now and doesn't want to hurt me anymore than he has was being honest. I can't fault that.

Sometimes I think I need to get angry to get past the emotional waves that hit. To make me stronger. He has done nothing wrong. I do see that. I cherish that he was the first man to be openly honest with me, no matter how it hurts. I will take this positive experience and learn from it.

I spoke with a mutual female friend today, she's known him MUCH longer than I. She was surprised to hear about the break as she was out of town. She felt, like most of his friends, I was the one he could get past his commitment issues with because of my understanding, the fact I live my own life and would give him the space to do what he needs to do as well as how he was with me when we were together.

She advises that this may not be over. To just give it some time, which I am doing. I still have not contacted him, still living my own life and moving on as if he weren't in it. Not easy, but getting there with help from friends and the people on this board.

I have a peaceful easy feeling right now. I'm going to work on continuing that and leave the anger and hurt behind. Thank you!

PATTY

~Dare to believe in yourself~

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-1999
Tue, 02-27-2007 - 10:25am

When someone isn't clear on what they want - one thing is clear - he isn't clear on what he has. Too many women make the mistake of 'trying to convince' a man of why he should want them - and all that does is make matters worse. An ambivalent needs to get clear onw hat he's feeling - and the desperation women often display during these times simply convince him that he's making the right choice.

If they look at it from the POV that HE is the one losing out, not themselves, and get on with their business of taking care of themselves emotionally, physically, financially and spiritually, then while you may still feel sadness associated with ending a relationship - it doesn't cripple you. Your life doesn't spin out of control and you find your strenght. THIS isthe kind of wman a good guy wants - one who doesn't pin her happiness to his actions/feelings.

ITs probably more accurate to say that you trusted him to not hurt you rather than you trusted him based on his actions and character. These are different things. And yes, the first one will cause you pain - because you are trusting in something that is based in perfection - which none of us are. PEople can and will hurt you - even when they love you deeply. This is a fact. But it doesn't mean they are untrustworthy. It just means you've trusted the wrong thing and likely for the wrong reasons.

Hon, most of us have dealt with this scenario - or will at some point in the future if they haven't already. No man (or woman) can take away who you are or your value as aperson. No one has the power to destry your happiness and peace - unless you give it to them. Anger and hurt is giving away your power.

And as far as not trusting what is real - you do know how to do this - you, like many women, simply talk yourself out of it. WE all know how to see fact from fiction - but, and this is more often true when you are motivated from a place of 'not having' or doubt or fear - we will deny our gut feelings simply to 'have' the man, relationship or whatever it may be. You can likely look back at what your body and heart told you about this man - and you can also likely see how you talked yourself out of that feeling because you wanted so badly to have the relationship.

You gut instincts will never lie - start listening to them again - and you will never have to wonder what is real and what is something to avoid.

You'll be fine. :) This is temporary - just think of it this way - something truly better is waiting for you - you have to be willing to let go of what isn't meant for you first.

Toni

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-16-2005
Tue, 02-27-2007 - 10:38am

Wonderfully stated. Thank you so very much for the reminders and support.

I am doing ok and will be ok! "The best is yet to come" :-)

PATTY

~Dare to believe in yourself~

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