He said he still loves his ex

Avatar for shine_19
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2005
He said he still loves his ex
5
Fri, 11-11-2005 - 12:42pm

I met my guy online a few months ago. When we first started talking he was the persuer and I was somewhat skeptical about him, but I was interested to see how things would go.
We started talking on the phone alot and I started to really like him. I found out that we had a lot in common and we would stay on the phone for hours at a time. Finally we met for a date and there was an instant attraction. He was constantly making me laugh and we had a great time.
Here comes the problem part-
He told me that he had 2 sons, which I didnt mind. He also said that he had a 'soon to be' ex-wife, which I did have a problem with. With a little finess, he convinced me that he was going through a divorse (she cheated on him) and they never spoke unless it was about the kids. Needless to say I overlooked it.

Things went on. He would come over when he could, which was about 3 or 4 times a week. We had dinner and went to the movies, and I enjoyed being with him. Then I was making more time for him, and he wasnt. I saw him less and less, till it was once a week if I was lucky. He gets up for work about 4:30am, doenst get home till 7pm, and then wants to spend time with his son at night. Not leaving much time for me. Now, I havent seen him in about 1 1/2 weeks and the past few days, when I talk to him on the phone, I tell him how upset I am about our relationship. His answer was - 'we knew this going into the relationship, that we wouldnt see eachother that much.' Honestly I did know I wouldnt see him everyday, but I didnt think I would have to go 2 weeks with out him.

There have been some other things bothering me. Like the fact that his ex called him because there was a mouse in her house. Instead of calling her new boyfriend, she calls him. And he ran right over there! When he told me about it, I was upset. He couldnt understand why. My answer was, it has nothing to do with the mouse, its the fact that she knows that all she has to do is call and he'll jump. And I couldnt understand that if she cheated on him, how could he just be so friendly and forgiving.

The other thing is, he has a webpage with his profile on it. He is a writer and posted a poem on it saying that he still missed and loved his ex. That he wished none of this happened but he cant change the past. Well when I read it, I happened to be on the phone with him. After a moment of silence, the first thing I think I said was 'what the @#$%!'
Not my most lady like moment, but definatly could not be helped. He said that he wasnt IN love with her anymore, but he didnt marry her because he just liked her. - Ouch.

I want to know, why, if he wasnt completely over his past, would he drag me into a relationship, promise that he wanted to be with me and not deliver? Its not fair to me and I feel like I am being used for one thing. He says 'Is that what you really think?' like what I am saying is a lie.
To make things short, I am really confused. There are so many good things about him that I havent mentioned and thats why I want to be with him. But there are these few things that are chewing at me. Its not like they are small either. Any suggestions, advise, and yelling at me for being an idiot are welcome :)
Thank, Lisa

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 11-11-2005 - 1:34pm

This is why I don't date separated men...in fact, I prefer not to date anyone whose divorce hasn't been final for at least a year.

He dragged you into the relationship because you let him. I'm sure he didn't do it deliberatly and maliciously, but he was hurting over the infidelity and divorce and needed someone to make him feel better. You fit the bill.

I think your best bet would be to ask him to contact you once the divorce is final. Even then, you'd want to take things VERY slowly.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-22-2003
Sat, 11-12-2005 - 1:10am

First, Im really sorry shine.. It hurts alot and im sure you feel deceived. Good thing is that you found out now rather than later. and you can begin the letting go process. I can't tell you why people do the things they do. Nor can anyone tell you why he would go into a relationship when his heart is with his ex. Giving the guy th ebenefit of the doubt, he may have thought it was time to move on. and his poem was just letting some past feelings out. But seeing as it may be a little of that and just that he couldn't be alone... I'd say that he probably trid to get over his ex w/ you. and htought he could. Now, he may realize hes not over his ex and loves her still.

Just bad timing. You need to let it go and him go... knowing that he isn't the right guy for you.

It hurts. Ive been there, and im sure others have too.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Sat, 11-12-2005 - 11:40am
i have been there too, actually just recently. i started to date a man who broke off an engagement and we got along great etc. to make a long story short, he found out after he had broken up with "her" that she cheated on him and then that sent him into a frenzy. we were never the same after that revelation. he would say things like he needed time and wanted to take things slow, blah blah blah. i gave that to him but i had had enough and we had an arguement where he stated he needed to be by himself. end of stiry....however, i found out after him and i broke up that we were not exclusive and that he had been cheating on me! all the BS about giving him time and how he wasnt with anyone but me, while in fact it was all a lie. i realize that the cheating was more about him getting back at her and not necessarily about me but it still hurt like hell. it doesnt matter b/c i gave him my heart and he stepped on it. moral of thwe story is, let him go. you will never change his feeling or action, he has to find a way to do that himself. guys are famous for rebounding into another relationship to soothe their ego's. thats what he has done with you. it never really works out no matter how hard we try. let him go and promise yourself to never date a man who has this much baggage. we cannot fix them and we shouldnt have to. i know its easier said than done, but its a lot less painful to be by yourself for the right reasons than to be with someone for all the wrong. he hasnt moved past his past. and that sort of thing takes a long time. let him go so you can find true love with someone else. i wish you much luck and happiness. tell yourself everyday that you deserve better.
Avatar for shine_19
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2005
Wed, 11-16-2005 - 12:29pm
I wanted to say thank you to everyone who gave me advise.. I needed it! To update you on it, we broke up. I sent him a letter saying that I knew that he wasnt ready for this and that we couldnt go on like this. His was a reply of agreement. I think that I was waiting for him to prove me wrong, but in the end he didnt. I'm pretty hurt about it, but everyone is right, I'm glad it didnt go any further and that I'm getting out before it got bad.
Moving on. :)
Thank you, again.
Lisa
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2003
Sat, 11-26-2005 - 10:52pm
I agree. He's a long way from having his emotional divorce decree.
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