He says he's not ready-what to do?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-13-2003
He says he's not ready-what to do?
15
Wed, 04-14-2004 - 4:44pm
Hi there,

I've posted this in a couple of areas but no response so thought I'd try again. Met a guy recently and really clicked - the chemistry between us was amazing. On the 3rd date, though, he turned cold. Turns out he is plagued by his ex-fiancee moving back to town (ended it 2 years ago). When things started to get going between us he found it 'overwhelming' so now says he's not ready, but wants to still see me. He sent me an email yesterday saying,

"Sorry for the roller coaster - not as ready as I thought I guess. Certainly not my intent to mess with your emotions. Hmmmmmmm. Unsure of next step but take care

of yourself and will talk in the near future. (like the non-specifics?) ;) "

I replied saying I know what it can be like to be confused or unsure, and that I, too am unsure of next steps but I didn't want him to feel pressured and I'd give him time or space or whatever he wanted, he just had to let me know.

What do you think?? I really like this guy - I want to not only get to know him but help him if I can.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 04-14-2004 - 4:47pm
Basically, he doesn't know what he wants....and all you can do is get hurt, confused, upset, and destroyed by trying to "help him figure out what it is"...when what you want is "him".

Erin

quickblade14@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Wed, 04-14-2004 - 5:46pm
What to do? Move on. Find a guy who IS ready. In my experience, when a man and women meet and the feeling is mutual that you have found what you have been looking for....both people are ready, willing and able to commit and develop a happy, healthy relationship. If someone isn't ready, then move on. Don't sit on the back burner waiting for him to decide about you! If you were IT he would know, no matter who was moving back into town. He's not emotionally ready or available to have a healthy relationship -- nuff said. Go find someone who is. Good luck.
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 04-14-2004 - 5:49pm
I think your best course of action is to leave him alone and not see him unless he changes his mind. This is going to sound harsh, but please know I'm coming from a place of concern: from what you've written here, you don't seem to have the capabilities to put the type of firm boundaries in place that staying friends with this guy would require. Therefore, any continued contact with him is more likely than not to result in you getting hurt.

I would email him back and say something like "I understand; let me know if and when you are ready to move forward. In the meantime, take care of yourself" and leave it at that.

For future reference, chemistry is misleading. It's exciting as heck, but misleading. I can honestly say that my *WORST* relationships had the best chemistry.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-10-2003
Thu, 04-15-2004 - 12:03am
This sounds so like something I've been in a couple of weeks ago. He couldn't let go a relationship he didn't even care about. I had it worse though...'with her it was tons and tons of sex and with you its just cuddling." We known each other almost 2 years and he's always liked me...but he's not ready to let go. Move on...just don't even bother. You deserve a guy who wants to be around, and if he doesn't, I don't know what that says for the future. And you don't want to be with someone who has baggage. At least stuff he's not willing to deal with.

If he comes back to you with a clean slate later on, maybe that's okay, just make sure he's not lying.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2004
Thu, 04-15-2004 - 8:12am
As someone in a very similar situation... you have to let go. Because once you have that intensity- all you want is more. If he can't keep the relationship at the same level where you liked it- you are just going to get more and more frustrated. The thing about guys is- once they have decided that they don't want something the more you push them the less they want it. And likely, you will be unable to stop pushing him. Of course... I have been trying to let someone go for a month with no real success- so good luck!
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2004
Fri, 04-16-2004 - 4:31am
hey please don't take what i'm about to say the wrong way but as nice as it is of you to want to help this guy it just makes me want to ask the question why do women always want to help some poor guy who has probably only had one broken heart in his life as opposed to most womens 10 or 15 broken hearts sometimes more. but you will never see guys wanting to help you deal with your baggage and that makes me wonder are men really smarter than we are because they see signs of un delt with baggage, self counsiouness, and neediness, as complete deal breakers where as women see those things as something we can help them work through. so i say let this guy work through is own stuff in his own time and if he wants to be single and hung up on his ex remember that was his choice not yours so let him wallow for awhile and then when hes truely done and if your still availible and a glutton for punishment (as most women are when it comes to matters of the heart) then go for it, and keep this in mind as well the guys that do let you help them with there old girlfriend baggage will turn you into thier rebound person most of the time but are always exceptions to everything. and one last thing 9 times out of 10 when a guy says or acts like he dosen't know what he wants it means he dosen't want you. as harsh as that sounds sometimes the best way to truly see another person is to start by being honest with yourself. and the reason i sound so harsh toward this guy is because of the way guys can purposly manipulate someone who cares about them by saying things like i'll call again sometime and stuff like that. let me ask you a question do you really want to be something someone works into thier schedual? again sorry to sound so awful please let me know how it works out
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-13-2003
Sat, 04-17-2004 - 2:19am
HI there,

thanks for your advice - I really do appreciate it, even if it's harsh!! to update you, I saw the guy tonight - he actually came out to a bar to have a drink with me and a couple of my friends. I was quite surprised (pleasantly surprised). He only stayed about half an hour but said he was really glad he got to see me. He's now off on business for the next 6 days and said he'd probably see me next weekend. I'll do my utmost to put him out of my head... and see what he does when he gets back.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-13-2003
Wed, 04-21-2004 - 9:44pm
Update 2

Hi there,

So I was patiently waiting to see what transpired - since the guy said he would be back on Friday and we'd try to get together on the weekend. But after work today I went to a running club to go running and I SAW HIM there!! I saw him across the room - he didn't immediately see me. I was in shock. My first thought was - "did he lie about going away?" I had no idea. I thought about what to do , and I decided I'd walk over and say hello. When he saw me he just said hello but didn't look particularly enthusiastic, I have to admit. I said, "So, I thought you were out of town?"

And he replied, "Nope, I'm back. I did go on Sunday but the rest of it all fell apart."

He was with his friend. I asked what group they were going to run with - figuring it would be the marathon group, but they said something lighter. I said I would probably go with the 7k group, and figured they go off on their own - but they said they'd go with me. I was surprised.

Anyway, we got outside and started running - I kept up fairly well - but did mention if they wanted to run ahead, I didn't mind - as I can't expect to keep up with 2 military trained, super-fit guys. After a while they said they were going to speed up and wanted me to keep up but I declined. I kept running as hard as I could, but they ran ahead. The 'guy' looked back at me maybe once... I could always see them ahead, I wasn't that far behind - in the end, I got back maybe 7 mins or so after them. I figured they'd be gone - but they had been waiting for me to return to the club. When I got there the guy talked to me a bit but he just seemed so cold.... just like date number 3. I started walking to my car and he said, "Oh, are you leaving?" and I replied, "yeah, my car is just around the corner."

"ok, well ah, I'll call you later." I think he said it twice, if I recall.

I said, "Ok." and left.

He didn't call me tonight- what do you think? Do you think he will ever call me again or will he ever feel comfortable around me again? I'm trying sooooo hard to give him space. But the stress is killing me.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2003
Thu, 04-22-2004 - 4:54pm
I think you need to accept the truth. The guy told you he wasn't ready and you keep looking for signs that he is coming back to you. If I were you, I'd drop him and move on... he's not able to give you what you want.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2004
Fri, 04-23-2004 - 2:45am
the best thing to do is trust your instincts if you feel he was being cold then you are probably right people tend to think they can't trust thier own feelings when they are so confussed but thats when you have to trust them the most, because right now your feelings and emotions are hightened which makes you more aware of the truth.

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