He says he's not ready-what to do?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-13-2003
He says he's not ready-what to do?
15
Wed, 04-14-2004 - 4:44pm
Hi there,

I've posted this in a couple of areas but no response so thought I'd try again. Met a guy recently and really clicked - the chemistry between us was amazing. On the 3rd date, though, he turned cold. Turns out he is plagued by his ex-fiancee moving back to town (ended it 2 years ago). When things started to get going between us he found it 'overwhelming' so now says he's not ready, but wants to still see me. He sent me an email yesterday saying,

"Sorry for the roller coaster - not as ready as I thought I guess. Certainly not my intent to mess with your emotions. Hmmmmmmm. Unsure of next step but take care

of yourself and will talk in the near future. (like the non-specifics?) ;) "

I replied saying I know what it can be like to be confused or unsure, and that I, too am unsure of next steps but I didn't want him to feel pressured and I'd give him time or space or whatever he wanted, he just had to let me know.

What do you think?? I really like this guy - I want to not only get to know him but help him if I can.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Fri, 04-23-2004 - 5:44am
Firstly, DO NOT, and i strongly mean DO NOT allow yourself to take that rollercoaster ride with him! These are his issues, not yours. Trust me when i say, it will literally, suck the life out of you. We women are inherintly "care givers"...we love nothing more than to "take care"....that is our mistake! I made the same mistake with someone that going through "issues" too..and what attracts you is his vulnerability...his almost child like "hurts"..you want to hug them and keep them safe from all the hurts in the world. WRONG!

You are "settling" girl! Settling for less than you deserve. This is a case of "wrong timing" and nothing you can say or do is going to change the outcome. He wants to be free. Stop being so understanding towards his "issues" as if you're telling him...take all the time you need..i'll still be here for you when you snap out of it! UH UH! No way! I guarantee you..you will end up with a broken heart...trust me on this.


If i were you i would tell him.email him..whatever...that it was nice meeting you and getting to know you...and say we are at two different stages of life. You have issues that need to be "healed"...and i understand that. (remember..men REPLACE, women grieve)..say to him that perhaps, if its in the stars...the two of you will come together at another time...a time when the timing is better. Wish him luck and then say GOODBYE!

You are a strong women! You deserve someone that is emotionally healthy. Someone that will take your love and concern and move a relationship forward. Do not waste your love and heart on this man. He doesnt want you. And by sticking around and settling for less than what you deserve is telling him...she's got no respect for herself...she'll always be there for a "booty" call when i need it...she feels sorry for me...great..i'm IN!..Hog Wash! You know what you deserve...you are a secure confident woman. Stand up for what you deserve. And this no end relationship isnt it. It's totally one sided...dont allow yourself to settle for whatever small efforts he throws at you. You deserve more!

Walk away from him. And if its meant to be...then the two of you will come together again..one day..some day. But if you keep in contact with him...you will only get your heartbroken..trust me on this. He is emotionally unhealthy...dont feel sorry for him and get into the trap of his vulnerabilty. Remember...MEN REPLACE..women grieve. He just wants a soft shoulder, companionship and sex to get him through this rough patch. And he thinks his next prey is YOU! You're better than that!


Deborah

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-13-2003
Fri, 04-23-2004 - 3:28pm
Thanks for your comments - I do appreciate it. The thing is - relationships don't come around often for me at all. I've had ONE in my life and it was miserable - I settled for someone I wasn't even attracted to. It's hard to walk away from the best guy I've ever met - he's everything I have ever wanted and the moment I met him I just felt that amazing feeling. I guess you are right about if it is meant to be it will be - but is there any harm in hanging around him to get to know him better ? If he doesn't make any effort to get to 'know' me than I'll agree that he isn't interested. I just don't want to shun someone because they have issues - don't we all have issues> if noone gave us a chance, where would we be?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-17-2004
Fri, 04-23-2004 - 4:11pm
Sounds to me like he wants to be friends with you, but nothing more. Who knows why - it really doesn't matter. So for you, you can either choose to be platonic friends, with no expectations, or you should move on. There certainly is nothing wrong with staying friendly with someone you were once intimate with, it's just harder for the woman because she usually still has feelings for him. I wouldn't offer to "help him through" his issues. Men generally want to fix things on their own, and see it as a weakness for women to help them with a problem. Also, a lot of times men pull away from women while they're trying to figure out how to solve the problem. So I would say back away and let him come to you when he's ready. But if you run into him periodically, it's certainly appropriate to be cordial or casually friendly and ask him how it's going. Keep it light so he knows you're not mad at him, but make no gestures or hints that you would like to see him. If he does want to be friends, or something more, then positive interactions with him will help that come about. But as far as a dating/intimate relationship, you would be better off looking for that elsewhere because chances are you're not going to have that with this guy.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-23-2003
Fri, 04-23-2004 - 5:12pm

But hon, you can't MAKE someone be in a "relationship" with you, just because you find HIM attractive.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Fri, 04-23-2004 - 6:12pm
Oh god girl..you have it bad! You were just like me...i use to make up a million excuses for him..justified everything...for the sake of "awwwwwww but he's going through a rough time now"...exactly! Ok..so he's going through a hard time. If you want a romantic relationship with this man..it aint going to happen..i promise you. He will dump you as fast as you can blink! And girl...i know i'm right. I've been EXACTLY where you are. Naive, trustworthy..i believed everything he told me..yep...i had an excuse for everything he DIDNT do to move this relationship forward. I gave 150% towards it...you end up feeling sorry for them...they are vulnerable...you just want to hold them and tell them...THIS WOMAN WONT EVER HURT YOU!...duh!

If you want to remain friends with him...that's up to you. Can you continue a friendshp with him without becoming deeper emotionally?? I doubt it! I was exactly where you are. Exactly! And after over a year of but but and him telling me about his issues, and telling me I love you, you are different, but but but...all i wanted to do is keep him safe. I told him once..you have met a lifetime friend in me..and that as long as i'm alive..i will never allow you to get this low again. (he was going through a divorce at the time we met..and he didnt want it then he did...rollercoast ride to say the least).

He walked away from me almost 2.5 years ago. And i really havent heard a word from him since. He was without question, the love of my life (and i'm 43)..he was my soulmate. We had a connection and bond like i've never felt with anyone before or since. I just adored that man. He meant the absolute world to me..and still does. There is not a day that goes by that I dont think of him.

And if i had to do it all over again?? I WOULD HAVE BEEN THE ONE TO WALK AWAY! He needed to get his life in order...he needed to heal...he needed to heal. And if i had to do it again..i know the precise moment i should have told him..."R"..this isnt our time. And if love is our destiny, then life will bring us back together someday..one day. But not now. I would have given him a love story speech that would have had the whole city reaching for their kleenex box ;)...but seriously...i didnt. I loved him too much. I held on through thick and thin...and instead..he came to me one day and said..i'm not in love with you (said he was a couple of weeks earlier)...i've been trying to let you go for awhile now...(geeesh)...yaddie yaddie ya.

Needless to say i was crushed..i was devasted..i was naive..i was foolish to think that anybody who is still hung up over someone else...someone who has "issues/baggage" not dealt with...could contribute to a relationship and work together to make it special and lasting. DUH DUH DUH!

Girl..i know you're going to do what i did...i know that we all have to learn from our mistakes...but i guarantee you...this is going "no where"...and that eventually, he is going to cut off all communication from you and yep..he's going to "run away". He's not well emotionally.

Good luck ..and yeah..i was like you too...relationships dont come around often for me either...he was only the 2nd person in my life that i've had a relationship with. It's been 2.5 years now and i've still not met anyone interesting enough to date long term. But i've learned something important..i'd rather be alone, then with the "wrong person", at the wrong time.

Deborah

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