He Says She's JUST a Friend

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2004
He Says She's JUST a Friend
7
Thu, 08-05-2004 - 3:40pm
Dear Readers,



I'm hoping for some unbiased, outside input, so here it goes....

I just started dating a guy who's wonderful. On our first date he told me about a women who he goes rock climbing with. "We're just friends." No biggy. Friends of the opposite sex I can tolerate. Later he tells me that they have lunch together every week. They go rock climbing together every week. They go work out at the gym every week. And more recently he's told me that they've been best friends for two years now, and that they also travel together. Granted, he's been honest with me about this. During dinner I asked him, "So, why aren't you together with this gal who you go rock climbing with? Is it just that you're not attracted to her?" He responded with, "Oh no...that's not it at all. I just don't think that she's interested in me." She supposedly has a boyfriend in CA (we live in Oregon), so I then said, "Does her boyfriend know that you guys spend so much time together?" He said, "You know, I'm not sure whether he knows or not."

I later admitted that this bothered me. Let's face it. It's like she's his girlfriend, even though he says that he's not been intimate with her. So I explained how I was feeling. Suddenly his story changes a bit. "Trina, you're mistaken. Our friendship isn't like that. I'm not attracted to her in that way, and her boyfriend knows about me." Huh? Gee, doesn't that sound a bit different from what he said the first time? When he realized I was bothered by it, his story changed and he down played it, totally contradicting what he'd first said...when I think he was being more honest.

Is it just me, or does it seem a bit odd to expect me, an old fashioned person, to accept this? Again, having friends of the opposite sex, sure. But best friends that he does everything under the sun on a weekly basis with? And he acts like he'd want a very serious relationship with me if it worked out. Making it clear to me upfront that she's his quote "best friend" tells me (or any other intelligent individual) that I must be prepared to accept it. Right?

How would you feel if you were in my shoes? Any comments would be greatly appreciated! =)

Thanks.

T~

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 08-05-2004 - 3:56pm
How long have you been dating? Have you met her?

I would definitely keep my heart guarded until you are able to suss out the situation a little more. If she's his best friend, you should be meeting her! You'll have a much better sense of the dynamics when you see them together, I think. And if he balks at you meeting her, then you'll have your answer right there.

I think it's easy to get into the habit of a "pseudo-dating" relationship with an opposite gender friend when you're not in a r'ship, so I don't know that I'd automatically assume the worst...but definitely keep your eyes open...and ask to meet her!

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-05-2004
Thu, 08-05-2004 - 6:11pm
I think that is GREAT advice. You need to feel it out, and see if she is threaten by you or is happy for her friend that he has met you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-03-2004
Thu, 08-05-2004 - 8:22pm
Another point of view. I hope she gives the guy some space to form a relationship with a woman. You know, us gals tend to be territorial and she may be used to having the guy at her beck and call, on her terms, and not want to give up any of that time. I have seen this happen.

amjay45

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-30-2004
Fri, 08-06-2004 - 5:47am
Hmmm.. this is weird.... if she is his friend, & nothing but that, why would he change stories? Honestly, this doesn't sound good.

It sounds like something I've known to happen many times, when the two of them are friends, but only because she has this boyfriend who's away.

in this case, they would be together all the time, & he would constantly mention her,

he would have more-than-friendly feelings for her, but would think she's not interested because of the B/F. He would only date other girls to either get over her or to make her jealous.

that's what the first conversation implies (to me). then later, sure, if you're bothered by it, of course he'll try to put your mind at ease. that's only normal.

the only up side to this is, that in this case & to this point, they ARE just friends.

if these are the vibes you're getting from all this, & if he tries to avoid introducing you to her, you'd better not get involved with him...


iVillage Member
Registered: 08-03-2004
Fri, 08-06-2004 - 6:28am
Quality443,

Your instincts are correct, I must inform you, he does find her attractive but is scared of being rejected by her and mess up this weekly "meetings".

Trust me let him know where you stand or be prepared to be walked over.

Andrew

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2004
Fri, 08-06-2004 - 2:10pm
Andrew,

You rock! Thank you for making me feel like my hunch isn't abnormal. It's so nice to feel validated, especially from a guy.

Trina

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-06-2004
Sat, 08-07-2004 - 12:13am
It's obvious that he likes her but she's putting him off.

You can put up with it if you'd like but all she has to do is snap her fingers and it's dumpsville for you.

At least he was honest with you in the beginning until you overreacted and now you're geting the double talk and lies. Personally, I don't think he's such a bad guy because he was completely honest with you.

Why don't you go along with them the next time and see what happens? If he won't let you, that's a dead giveaway that he's lying to you. While you're with them, talk about your relationship with him and things like that.

My guess is that he's trying to play both sides of the fence but likes you better.

Tom