Is he single or not?
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| Wed, 06-21-2006 - 7:01am |
How do you ask a man eloquently whether he's single or not? I've gone out on two lengthy dinner dates with a guy after which he acted like he wanted to see me again. But it's taken him over two weeks to arrange for that to happen, partially because he was preparing for a sporting event. He had a party this past weekend that I couldn't attend after I attended his sporting event though it was a group thing and not a one on one kind of thing anyway.
He's asked me out for lunch on a Friday instead of dinner during the weekend and I have yet to see him or speak to him during the weekend (Saturday/Sunday). I told him a couple of times to call me and he indicated he would but he still resorts to texting as his main form of communication which makes me feel like he's keeping me at a distance. I will not call a guy if he doesn't call me so you know where that leaves me. He asked me out for lunch by text on Monday and when I agreed to it, he never replied with the day. I had to text him last night to find out if and when we're having lunch. He said he thought he replied and was sorry!? I told him that I think it's more convenient to make plans by calling and that I love to hear the sound of a man's voice (in order to motivate him to call me).
By the way, he tells me he works six days a week though he has big breaks in between. He also has a son he has joint custody of every other weekend and this is not his weekend so it makes me wonder. I really don't feel good about this and want to find out what's going on before I get more involved and hurt.

ising101...
Pianoguy believes that if you don't feel good about the current arrangement...DON'T DATE THE MAN! Nobody is twisting your arm, correct?
It's entirely possible the gentleman's 6-day a week work schedule and his every-other-weekend child visitation arrangement is the reason YOU'RE NOT GETTING ANY SORT OF COMMITMENT or encouragement from the man?
Then again...it's entirely possible (because he has been hurt by a woman or two in his past) that he wants to keep things on a "strictly friendship" level with you...at least for now?
Pianoguy
Are you thinking he's still married, is that what you're saying? Or that he's dating other people and that's why he's busy on the weekends (in addition to all the other stuff he has going on)?
Sheri
Edited 6/21/2006 7:05 pm ET by ising101
Hmm. I don't think I've ever actually asked anyone that question, because I think that if they ARE single they'd be offended, and if they are NOT single, they are not going to tell you the truth anyway.
I'm still not clear on what you mean by "single", in any event. I think you SHOULD assume he's dating other women--you've only had two dates so exclusivity is way premature at this point IMO. But if you're trying to determine whether he's in a committed relationship, do you really think he'd TELL you if you asked? Someone who is out *dating* while in a committed relationship isn't likely to be honest, in other words. Does that make sense?
It sounds to me like he might have a busy life and/or be juggling other dates. I'd wait and see what happens over the next few weeks and see if he makes more time for you or not. And if he doesn't, then cut things off. Or heck, cut things off now...IMO it doesn't really matter WHY he's not calling when he says he's going to, if things like that are important to you.
Sheri
<< I guess I feel neglected and like I'm not worth pursuing to him, which makes me not want him as much. >>
You've had two dinner dates with him. It's a little soon to expect prioritization. However, it's not too soon to expect consideration. If you don't feel like he's being considerate, then ... move on, while you don't have much invested.
However, IMO, it's not inconsiderate to not call when you say you want him to. It is inconsiderate to not call if/when he says he's going to.
As for the texting (which I'm not a big fan of as a form of communication, anyway ... but, that's another topic) ... it's not usual to forget to text someone back during the day, while their working. After all, the guy is working ... that's where his focus should be during the day. So, if he forgets while he's working, cut 'em some slack.
If your expectations are too high, dating will be difficult at best. What dating should be is FUN, you should be enjoying getting to know another person ... not sweating whether or not he's single ... just because he's not at the point of prioritizing you (which isn't reasonable after only two dates). He has two primary obligations that are, and always will be a bigger priority than a relationship: 1) his work (which is his livlihood) and 2) his child (obviously, his dependent whom he must care for). If you want to be number one, with him or any guy, you may want to re-evaluate your expectations. A relationship isn't necessary to our livlihood ... it's something that adds to our life ... and a relationship isnt about being dependent on someone for their validation or attention. He's already got things filling those roles.
I hope it works out ... but, I also hope you can re-evaluate your expectations and ask yourself whether or not they are reasonable (and in doing so, it's important to state your expectations, and receive 'buy in' from the other person ... as, just because you state them, if the other person doesn't agree to meeting those expectations, you'll only end up being disappointed).