Is he single or not?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-01-2003
Is he single or not?
10
Wed, 06-21-2006 - 7:01am

How do you ask a man eloquently whether he's single or not? I've gone out on two lengthy dinner dates with a guy after which he acted like he wanted to see me again. But it's taken him over two weeks to arrange for that to happen, partially because he was preparing for a sporting event. He had a party this past weekend that I couldn't attend after I attended his sporting event though it was a group thing and not a one on one kind of thing anyway.

He's asked me out for lunch on a Friday instead of dinner during the weekend and I have yet to see him or speak to him during the weekend (Saturday/Sunday). I told him a couple of times to call me and he indicated he would but he still resorts to texting as his main form of communication which makes me feel like he's keeping me at a distance. I will not call a guy if he doesn't call me so you know where that leaves me. He asked me out for lunch by text on Monday and when I agreed to it, he never replied with the day. I had to text him last night to find out if and when we're having lunch. He said he thought he replied and was sorry!? I told him that I think it's more convenient to make plans by calling and that I love to hear the sound of a man's voice (in order to motivate him to call me).

By the way, he tells me he works six days a week though he has big breaks in between. He also has a son he has joint custody of every other weekend and this is not his weekend so it makes me wonder. I really don't feel good about this and want to find out what's going on before I get more involved and hurt.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 06-21-2006 - 9:06am

ising101...

Pianoguy believes that if you don't feel good about the current arrangement...DON'T DATE THE MAN! Nobody is twisting your arm, correct?

It's entirely possible the gentleman's 6-day a week work schedule and his every-other-weekend child visitation arrangement is the reason YOU'RE NOT GETTING ANY SORT OF COMMITMENT or encouragement from the man?

Then again...it's entirely possible (because he has been hurt by a woman or two in his past) that he wants to keep things on a "strictly friendship" level with you...at least for now?

Pianoguy

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 06-21-2006 - 12:41pm

Are you thinking he's still married, is that what you're saying? Or that he's dating other people and that's why he's busy on the weekends (in addition to all the other stuff he has going on)?

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-24-2004
Wed, 06-21-2006 - 2:24pm
I was in a similar situation. I was a weeknight date. He went AWOL on weekends. I only had one phone number and it turned out to be a cell number (I found out when he ran out of the minutes and got a recording that said "the cellular customer you are trying to reach is unavailable..."). It turned out he wasn't single. He had a gf. These types of clues are big red flags.

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-01-2003
Wed, 06-21-2006 - 6:52pm
I don't have any idea if he's seeing other people. He hasn't been with his baby's mother for 6 years from what I know but they do remain in contact because of the child and when I saw him at the sporting event, she was there and he gave an "air kiss" to her, if you understand what I mean. But he did hug me close while she was around when I congratulated him and acted upset when I said I couldn't go to the after party so I don't think there's anything going on between them. Plus I didn't see any other women there hugging him besides me. He apologized for not keeping in touch after two weeks with phone calls or seeing me but gave no explanation, and he's said twice so far he would call me and hasn't. Most of our communication is by text unless of course he has to make plans with me after asking me out. I don't have a home phone and neither does he he says so yeah, I only have his cell phone #. It has more to do with the fact that he barely calls me, barely kept in touch with me lately save for the almost daily text and has only agreed to see me on Fridays so far. I'd just like to know sooner rather than later whether there's another woman in his life so that I could leave him behind in the dust if that's the case, and I don't know how to ask him without sounding accusatory. A friend of mine said that I must always ask men this question but I just don't know how to ask in a non-chalant way and of course, he can always lie.


Edited 6/21/2006 7:05 pm ET by ising101
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 06-21-2006 - 7:48pm

Hmm. I don't think I've ever actually asked anyone that question, because I think that if they ARE single they'd be offended, and if they are NOT single, they are not going to tell you the truth anyway.

I'm still not clear on what you mean by "single", in any event. I think you SHOULD assume he's dating other women--you've only had two dates so exclusivity is way premature at this point IMO. But if you're trying to determine whether he's in a committed relationship, do you really think he'd TELL you if you asked? Someone who is out *dating* while in a committed relationship isn't likely to be honest, in other words. Does that make sense?

It sounds to me like he might have a busy life and/or be juggling other dates. I'd wait and see what happens over the next few weeks and see if he makes more time for you or not. And if he doesn't, then cut things off. Or heck, cut things off now...IMO it doesn't really matter WHY he's not calling when he says he's going to, if things like that are important to you.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-01-2003
Wed, 06-21-2006 - 8:04pm
By single I mean if he has someone he's in a committed relationship with whether that's a girlfriend or whatever. I've always believed that if a man is really interested in you, he wouldn't do things to sabotage winning you over like not calling after you've asked him to or "forgetting" to text you back. I guess I feel neglected and like I'm not worth pursuing to him, which makes me not want him as much. I guess I will wait it out a few weeks like you suggest and ask him more questions about himself though not the "are you single?" question.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2004
Thu, 06-22-2006 - 2:41pm

<< I guess I feel neglected and like I'm not worth pursuing to him, which makes me not want him as much. >>

You've had two dinner dates with him. It's a little soon to expect prioritization. However, it's not too soon to expect consideration. If you don't feel like he's being considerate, then ... move on, while you don't have much invested.

However, IMO, it's not inconsiderate to not call when you say you want him to. It is inconsiderate to not call if/when he says he's going to.

As for the texting (which I'm not a big fan of as a form of communication, anyway ... but, that's another topic) ... it's not usual to forget to text someone back during the day, while their working. After all, the guy is working ... that's where his focus should be during the day. So, if he forgets while he's working, cut 'em some slack.

If your expectations are too high, dating will be difficult at best. What dating should be is FUN, you should be enjoying getting to know another person ... not sweating whether or not he's single ... just because he's not at the point of prioritizing you (which isn't reasonable after only two dates). He has two primary obligations that are, and always will be a bigger priority than a relationship: 1) his work (which is his livlihood) and 2) his child (obviously, his dependent whom he must care for). If you want to be number one, with him or any guy, you may want to re-evaluate your expectations. A relationship isn't necessary to our livlihood ... it's something that adds to our life ... and a relationship isnt about being dependent on someone for their validation or attention. He's already got things filling those roles.

I hope it works out ... but, I also hope you can re-evaluate your expectations and ask yourself whether or not they are reasonable (and in doing so, it's important to state your expectations, and receive 'buy in' from the other person ... as, just because you state them, if the other person doesn't agree to meeting those expectations, you'll only end up being disappointed).

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-01-2003
Sun, 06-25-2006 - 7:41am
Well, I guess my expectations are too high for him to meet because he never called to confirm where we're meeting for lunch but he remembered to text message me 1 1/2 hours before he said we were going to do lunch stating that he had to move around some clients of his and that he would have to work through lunch. For all I know, we could have been having lunch on the moon since he never called so I never assumed we were having lunch in the first place. As usual, he said he's sorry and and he added a :( to act like he cared. It's the second time he's cancelled on me and we've gone out only twice but this time, I just can't seem to forgive him. I haven't responded. I guess I'm hurt mostly because I attended his sporting event which he invited me to and said that he couldn't wait to hang out with me afterward and he shows his appreciation by playing around with me. I haven't received a phone call from him since before our second date which was in the beginning of this month (just text messages) so I think I'll cross him off my list. Thanks.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-25-2006
Sun, 06-25-2006 - 8:30pm
get out while you can. all the writing is on the wall or i should say in the text. if a guy can only text not call something is definitly fishy and it sounds like maybe he is still married and he is not around on weekends because of his family and is only available for lunches because she (wife, soon to be ex-wife, or other girlfriend) thinks he is at work. i'd run from this. something is off and it sounds like he is just stringing you along. its not worth it for you it will only break your heart. good luck
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-01-2003
Sun, 06-25-2006 - 8:55pm
I am out! Now that I recall, the two times he did call in the evening, once it was at the laundromat while he was loading his laundry (WTF?, lol) and the other time, it must have not been in his home because I heard a police siren loud and clear as it passed by. We had dinners on Friday nights but that's not really the weekend to me. Thanks for confirming to me that I'm not crazy and that something is definitely off.