Is he taking his time or wasting mine?
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| Thu, 03-06-2008 - 2:11pm |
Hi all, apologies in advance if this is slightly on the long side.
I am 22 and am in a bit of a conundrum with a 27-year-old man on my fencing team (I'll call him Ned). We have known each other for a little while and things have always been friendly, but there has been a definite change in his behaviour towards me following my breakup with another man about a month ago.
First Ned casually asked me about my ex, and once he found out I had broken it off he really turned on the heat. The casual outings we make every week with other people from the team turned into highly-charged conversations between Ned and myself, to the exclusion of nearly everyone else present. He always sits so close that we are pressed together on the otherwise empty bench, and we will sit this way and talk for hours, about everything in our lives from our favourite movies to our career aspirations to our social quirks, with no small amount of sexual innuendo thrown in. Even after our friends leave, we continue talking almost until dawn. We always have a long hug goodnight but he has never made a move, except for one evening he asked if I wanted to come up to his flat. I declined, being unsure of his intentions, but later sent him an email saying I really enjoyed spending time with him so he wouldn't take it as a rejection; he responded in kind and we resumed chatting from there.
It's like all of those "How do you know he's into you?" checklists were written for Ned. He does everything, the touching, the smiling, the nervousness, the eye contact, right down to looking at my mouth often and finding random excuses for me to talk to him or touch him (ie. he'll ask me to fix his coat). Suffice to say the signs aren't subtle, but he isn't crass or embarrassing.
I have tried my best to let him know I'm interested too, reciprocating with touches and flirting, but he has not asked me out yet, or at least not in a way that could be considered an actual date (there have just been invitations to come out with other people, other that one invite up to his flat and some suggestions of what we should do together that weren't set in stone). It has occurred to me that he might not know I am interested, but I am not sure what else to do if this is the case. Suggestions to this end would be good. Otherwise, I question whether he might not just be playing with me.
Is it unusual for a man to spend so much time courting before asking a woman out on a date, or is it more likely that he is just having some fun flirting and doesn't want things to go any further? I would really appreciate some insight into this issue, as I truly enjoy Ned's company and would love to explore other possibilities with him, but don't want to waste my effort if he's just messing with my head.
Thanks!

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It might be that he's just nervous, especially if you're not too far out from a breakup. He may be trying to give you some time before directly asking you out. However, if the breakup was, say, two years ago, then that's a different case.
I'd give it a little bit of time and see if he gets brave. I'm not sure how long this waiting period might be, just however long you're willing to wait to be asked out by a guy who's showing signs that he's interested. And I'd say there's at least a 95% chance that he knows you're interested (unless he's a total moron who doesn't recognize flirting or doesn't know that it's a good indication that a girl likes him as more than a friend).
And I doubt that he's "messing with your head," as you put it. He should know better than to mess with a girl on a fencing team. It may be that he just enjoys the flirting, but maybe not. Just don't put your life on hold while he makes up his mind.
B
Hi Nansense,
Welcome to the board!!
I think in some ways he is courting you already.
I thought the most recent development in the Ned saga deserved a post, as things have quickly gone from confusing to beyond confusing.
Last night Ned had myself and some other teammates over to his flat for drinks, and to make a long story short it resulted in my staying over for the night because it was too late for me to catch the train home. We both slept in his bed and although nothing happened, as I was leaving this morning he stopped me by the door and kissed me.
While it was really nice to finally have an answer to my original question, the high was somewhat dampened by the fact that after kissing me he went on to say that he didn't know what had come over him but wasn't sure if it was a good idea for things to progress. He explained that being on the same team made him iffy, and that he wasn't sure if he was in the right place in his life to give me what I deserved from a relationship.
I thanked him for his honesty and said I was glad to finally have everything out on the table, but the conversation didn't end there. Although Ned did stress how much he wanted to continue being around me because of how much he enjoys my company, he also added that it was torture for him to be around me and not do anything, and that he had been struggling with that for a while. He implied that there was a good chance he wasn't going to be able to resist the temptation.
So is it terribly dim-witted of me to ask.... what now?
<< So is it terribly dim-witted of me to ask.... what now?
Hi Nansense,
Did you ask him why he is not in a place to have a relationship?
I didn't actually ask what his reasons were, and that is partly because I have weird timing when it comes to these kinds of discussions - usually the onslaught of information prevents me from collecting my thoughts enough to get one or two good questions out. It's classic Nansense; the argument always suggests itself to me long after the fact.
What I am most confused about at this stage is what *I* want to do; I fully agree with the other posters who mentioned that he was just looking for something casual (Ned himself said this), and I suppose all there is left to do is decide whether I am okay with that, or whether I was in it for something more all along. It's so frustrating to have had a "relationship" dragged into this when my question was about whether he was interested, not whether we were going to ride off into the sunset together. :P
Just out of curiosity though, in your opinion how much does the specific reason for not wanting to be in a relationship factor into whether something more could even develop after that point? What would you consider a reason that can be worked around? I am usually inclined to accept "not ready" as "not going to happen" without reading too much into it, so it's interesting to me that you would see there being a different approach depending on what a man's reasons are. (That was poorly worded but hopefully you understand my question.)
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