He told me he doesnt understand love

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-15-2004
He told me he doesnt understand love
3
Wed, 12-15-2004 - 11:41am

I'm so sad and confused here. My boyfriend of 1.5 years just told me that he feels overwhelmed and he doesn't understand love.

He never grew up with the love that I had in my family so he is having a hard time dealing with it, and all the love stuff that I say to him like "how nice it is to wake up with you every day..." He said he is not sure if this is the answer or not, but needs a bit of space. I can agree with that because we see each other every night and he may not get all the things done that he wants to, but "space" just doesn't register well with women.

He tells me that he loves me and that he has never felt this way with anyone before (I trust him on that), but his emotions are not as strong as they were a few months ago. I told him that that was ok. That the honeymoon period doesn't last forever and that we were lucky and amazing different in that our honeymoon period lasted for a year! SO he is not sure if it is ok to not be thinking about me all the time like before, and all that other stuff associated with it.

He also said that nothing is changing. He wants to be with me. We are not breaking up, etc. He even greeted me with a dozen roses the next day because i was so upset after this conversation.

The thing is that he wants me to be myself, but how can I when he feels overwhelmed? He said I could help me out, but hasn't yet. SHould i just wait? I've already started to ask him more questions to give him space...like in response to a question of when he is going to see me I say "well when do you want to see me"...this is so hard and so weird. I feel like our relationship has take a huge step back.

We talk about marriage and buying a house too. But maybe he is having issues because he is unhappy at work? We have 9 weddings to go to next year? he is going to too many of my family functions?? I have no clue how to interpret this and if this relationship is going to last.

Any advice??

thank you so much,
ksbudd

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2003
Thu, 12-16-2004 - 12:42pm
Hello ksbudd, welcome to the board!

 
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 12-16-2004 - 2:34pm

ksbudd...

Pianoguy thinks 9 weddings are at least 3 too many! Especially when you consider the insecurity your b/f is feeling right now.

Do you know the comment that's usually made to a man when he joins you at a family or friend's wedding? It goes something like this: 'SO WHEN ARE YOU GOING TO PROPOSE TO KS BUDD? WE'D LOVE TO ATTEND YOUR WEDDING!"

If that doesn't put a guy on the spot....what does???? There's also the possibility that your b/f isn't particularly comfortable in "large social family situations?" Men will attend these in order to please the women they love....but there's also a gut-churning that takes place half-way through the reception. In layman's terms..."I'd rather be at home in my jeans and sweatshirt watching the game on TV than sit through this!"

Why not ask him (in light of his indecision) if he feels uncomfortable in a wedding situation? Some men do....even the married ones! Ask him if he'd be happier 'skipping' a few of the upcoming nuptials. After all...YOU are still planning to go. And the invitation to your b/f was extended out of courtesy.

There's no doubt that your b/f LOVES YOU LIKE CRAZY! But if his early years were spent with family members who weren't "kissy-kissy" or at least cordial to one another, your b/f probably feels like he's entered "THE TWILIGHT ZONE!" And this type of '5th dimension' isn't always easy for some of us to embrace!

Pianoguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-15-2004
Thu, 12-16-2004 - 4:17pm

WOW. Everyone's (well the 2) are great and right on. I so appreciate it!

I spoke with him last night and we cleared up a lot of things. The big reason for him being "overwhelmed" he stated is that he just doesn't know where to go. He is unhappy with his job, unsure if and where to move to if he needs to, and with all that uncertainty, he has questioned our relationship too.

He said that he is afraid of being left "vunerable" in the sense of, when in marriage, he will be dependent on the other. I told him that that is not marriage or committment. We are both very independent people, and when we want the other around to help or advice, etc..that isn't being dependent, that is just wanting that person to be with you, to share in that experience. He hadn't looked at it that way and he understood. Everything I said made him realize a bit more about what love is and how it is handled, etc. He felt so much more comfortable now, than before, althoug he is still working it out in his own way. I told him it will take time, and to take everything one step at a time.

The "space" that I had given him the past week actually made him sad, he said. He realized there was a void and he didn't like it. He missed me being around. (I was SOO happy to hear that!) I indicated that he is my best friend (and boyfriend) and I would be with him every step of the way, wherever those steps may take him. he is happy with me and does not want that to change.

Although I can say I want to be with him for the rest of my life and our talk made me feel 100% better, I'm still uneasy with his uncertainness of our relationship for the future. But like everyone said, it takes time and everyone deals with it in a different way, so I'm being patient :)

Another to your point, i asked him if all the weddings next year and family gatherings were making him uneasy or overwhelmed, or if I had been pressuring him in anyway about marriage, he said they weren't so that was good!

I believe that we have a future together, but it will take two to make it work and that is what I plan on doing :)

thanks again for your advice!

ksbudd