Is he too private to really love me?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-22-2004
Is he too private to really love me?
4
Thu, 07-22-2004 - 6:01pm
I've been living in a whirlwind for the past few months. My background -- early 30s, never-been married. Stan's background -- early 30s, never-been married.

February -- I meet Stan (not his real name) and we begin dating. He's sweet and kind, and the more I learn about him, the more I feel that he's a truly genuine, wonderful person. Early on he pushes for exclusivity. I agree, and we continue to date.


May -- we agree that we love one another and that perhaps a wedding is in our futures so we begin to look at engagement rings.

June -- the winds pick up. We discover that I am pregnant. We discuss marriage. At the same time, I break a trust rule and read some of his old emails -- I discover that he has kept the fact that he has a girlfriend from everyone in his work environment. His whole family and closest friends of course know about me as we spend time together and go out for dinners and such, but the fact that he feels that it is no business of the people he works with to know about his personal life seems odd to me. I am hurt that he has contact with females day in and day out, and never once has he mentioned that he has a girlfriend ---- and in actuality he has lied about it on occasion. Saying that he went to the movies with his sister, when really he went with me. Completely leaving my existence out of the equation while sending funny emails to people he considers to be casual friends.

I confront him. He tries to explain that he does not want to be part of the gossip mill at work. I feel that if you love someone enough to marry them, you basically shout it from the rooftops, and be damned who knows about it. He acknowledges that maybe he didn't handle everything very well and apologizes.

End of June -- we marry in front of a Judge, but I still can't get the icky-hurt feelings out of my belly that he did something wrong -- and that this is a signal of trust issues to come. But I want to believe that he really is just a private person. He did tell everyone he is close to about me immediately. Why should it bother me so much that he couldn't casually mention it in conversation at work?

What do you think? I'm being needlessly jealous? or do I have real cause for concern?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2004
Thu, 07-22-2004 - 6:17pm
You are not overreacting. Me being the person I am, I too would have a problem knowing that a certain group of people have not been informed of his relationship status. There may or may not be something behind it but it does sound fishy.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2003
Thu, 07-22-2004 - 6:19pm
I can respect the fact that he doens't want to be part of a gossip mill. He knows more about the people he works with than you, right? So I'm sure he's heard some things that made him want to be cautious around those people.

One question I do have is, now that you're married, is he wearing his ring to work? Maybe he doesn't like to talk to everyone about things, but someone is bound to notice the ring on his finger. At that point, I'm sure he will be able to say that yes he's happily married and leave it at that.

Congratulations on your pregnancy by the way!

I wouldn't worry about him too much, since everyone knows and he has understood that it concerned you about his workplace not knowing. Remember, he deals with these people everyday and probably knows how they are with gossip and rumours. Maybe he dated one of the women in the past and feels awkward?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-22-2004
Thu, 07-22-2004 - 6:25pm
Since everything happened so fast, we don't even have real rings yet. We are in the middle of planning a wedding ceremony for September so that friends and family can come celebrate with us. We've been looking at rings for weeks now, and he has no problem wearing one once we buy them. I don't wear one myself right now, so I can't expect that he will until he has one. It's slowly coming out at work anyhow, since the office secretary knows he's married (because I've been added to his health insurance).

Thanks!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2003
Thu, 07-22-2004 - 7:37pm
So he's just a really private person in a group of gossip mongers....

My old work was really bad at the gossip about staff members, so I can understand that desire to keep things quiet.

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